A Bedtime Treat

 

 

Cinderella is standing shyly in a bar. She is dressed in standard Cinderella garb.   Some guy comes over to her and she thinks he wants to ask her to dance but he’s only just reaching for the beer behind her.  She looks on eagerly as the next prospect approaches.  A guy asks her for the time and then leaves with his girlfriend.

Cinderella leaves the bar at the end of the night and climbs into her gold covered coach in the parking lot.  She shrugs at her fairy godmother as if to say “no luck this time”.

Cut to her using an online dating service the next day.  She’s listing her interests.

 “I like balls, magic wands, and lots of charm.” 

She clicks “send,” closes her eyes, and crosses her fingers. The phone rings.  She is delightfully surprised.  She answers the phone and a huge smile appears across her face.  She nods a few times and then hangs up.  She runs over to her stereo and presses “play.”  “I Finally Found Someone” by Barbara Streisand and Bryan Adams plays over clips from the date that follows (except when other sounds are needed).

We see the pair in a movie theatre at a showing of “House of 1000 Corpses.”  Cinderella’s date is a 21-year virgin.  He has a bag of popcorn on his lap and he is enjoying the film.  Cinderella looks like she is trying her best to have a good time.  She reaches for some of the popcorn but her date puts the bag down on the floor without noticing her efforts, as he is too engrossed in the movie. He then plops his hand on one of her breasts while continuing to watch the film.  She looks at him in confusion and he glances at her while smiling and nodding for a few seconds but then returns to the film keeping his hand in place.  Cinderella looks around and observes the other couples in the theatre.  Many of the women are yawning or filing their nails while the men watch the movie with one of their hands on a female breast.

Next, they are in a smoky, grungy club where Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up” has gotten the virgin all riled up.  He is gyrating wildly on the dance floor while Cinderella tries her best to follow his lead.  She stumbles a little as the heel to her glass pump breaks.  Somebody puts a cigarette out in her crinoline.

The date has come to an end.  They are in the virgin’s Civic, which is parked outside of Cinderella’s house.  The virgin turns off the ignition, looks at her with an eager, boyish grin and hits a button near the steering wheel.  All of a sudden, her seat goes flying back, leaving her in a horizontal position. 

“Oh, my tiara...” she says, trying to reach for the fallen crown.

“Wanna do it?” asks the virgin, ignoring her struggle to find the tiara.

“Um.  It’s past midnight.  It’s getting kind of late,” says Cinderella awkwardly trying to affix her tiara while in such an uncomfortable position.

“So?”

“Well, it’s just that I’m not even supposed to be out and my sister’s going to kill me if she finds out I ruined her shoe.”

“It’s like...I really feel we belong together, you know?  We like spoke a lot and stuff...AND it was a pretty expensive date,” protests the virgin.

“I know--I paid for it,” retorts Cinderella.

“Okay, goodnight.  I’ll call you,” says the virgin while trying to caress her hair. 

“Ouch, why do you gotta wear all this stuff” he says, referring to the jewels in her doo.

Long pause. 

“Because I’m Cinderfuckingrella” she screams while hitting him in the head with her purse, “and you’re a fucking idiot!!!”  She gets out of the car and slams the door shut.  She walks a few feet from the car and smiles to herself.  She pulls out a machine gun from her purse and blasts the car with bullets.

A few days later...

Cinderella’s watching TV and eating ice cream.  The phone rings.  She picks it up and smiles.  She hangs up, runs over to her stereo and presses play.  “I Finally Found Someone” comes on again and she skips off to her room to get ready for the evening ahead.