Dear Universe... ...I want to live in New York.
50 comments fuck! this one's even better...
Little Asian boy: Mommy, is it true that the world is run by giants who plug it in and make it spin?
Mom: Where did you hear that?
Little Asian boy: I made it up.
Damn, I love this site... | | |
My god... I'm gonna read the whole site...
Woman: But I thought you said it was okay if we slept with other people?
Man: No, I didn't! Why the fuck would I say that?!
Woman: Wasn't that you? I guess not. | | |
Homey #1: Yo, hold up...Jesus was a virgin?! He went from 12 to 33 with nothing?
Homey #2: Fuck that shit. He definitely got his dick sucked or buttfucked some bitches. | | |
| Guy: Yeah, well, I am going to give her a Valentine's foot in the ass! | | |
Woman #1: I'm seeing this guy who's really nice and he's rich, he's loaded, but he doesn't turn me on at all. I never come. But he keeps asking me to marry him! I know I'll never get this opportunity again. I dunno what to do.
Woman #2: Marry him and buy a vibrator!
Woman #1: Oh my god, I never thought of that! That's exactly what I'll do. Gee, thanks, great idea! | | |
Server: Oh no, not you again! Whatchoo want?
Customer: 'talian col' cut.
Server: Whatchoo want on it?
Customer: I said 'talian col' cut!
Server: Whatchoo want on it?
Customer: Damn baby, I want you on it!
Server: Shit, you wouldn't even know what to do with me!
Customer: Damn baby, I eat that shit! | | |
Kid #1: Paper beats rock. BAM! Your rock is blowed up!
Kid #2: "Bam" doesn't blow up, "bam" makes it spicy. Now I got a SPICY ROCK! You can't defeat that! | | |
Woman #1: You see that guy?
Woman #2: Who?
Woman #1: The bartender.
Woman #2: Yeah, what about him?
Woman #1: I fucked him.
Woman #2: Was he any good?
Woman #1: No, he sucked shit.
Woman #2: Are you still fucking him?
Woman #1: Hell, yeah!
Woman #2: Why the hell are you fucking him, then?
Woman #1: We're getting free drinks, aren't we? And besides I'm bored and not getting any other dick at the moment so I might as well. I'll ditch his dumb good-looking ass soon.
Woman #2: You mean when you find another good dick!
Woman #1: Whatever.
Woman #2: Cheers. | | |
Guy #1: ...and he just kept chewing and chewing. Man, I felt so bad.
Guy #2: Dude, why did you give a Twizzler to a giraffe? | | |
Chick: I don't get Spanish guys. They compliment you every time you pass them. They always say things like, "You have beautiful legs, in my country it is an honor for a woman to be told she has beautiful legs". Well, you're in NY now, honey, and I'm a bitch!
--5th Ave. & 82nd St. | | |
Little girl: Do I have to shave all over my body when I grow up? Where will I have to shave most? Where don't I have to shave? Tell me, you're old, you should know.
--New York Hall of Science, Flushing | | |
The subway doors open. A hobo enters, holding a bottle of windex in one hand and a tube of toothpaste in the other. He says: Which is the better time to read Dostyevsky? Winter?
He sprays the windex.
Hobo: Or Spring?
He squeezes toothpaste out of the tube.
Japanese girl: Spring!
Hobo: You are correct.
--F train | | |
White girlfriend: You've got something on your face.
Black boyfriend: It's probably your hatred.
--Barnes & Noble, 8th Street | | |
Girl: So I'm like, "How are you going to call me a bitch in front of my grandma? What the fuck is that, Mom?"
--NYU Brittany Hall elevator | | |
Guy #1: What the fuck is it, walk slow day?
Woman: Yes, it's walk slow day, I'm from New Yo--
Guy #2: Shut the fuck up. I'm from 106 and Lex. I'll cut you... See, that's how you gotta do it. The second some crabby lady starts, you just say, "shut the fuck up." Escalate immediately.
--Spring & Broadway | | |
Guy: He paid for all that and you didn't even fuck him at the end of the night?
Girl: Nada.
Guy: It must be fantastic having a vagina.
Girl: Sometimes it really is.
--Central Park
Boyfriend: Baby, that was amazing last night.
Girlfriend: I know...
Boyfriend: Really. That was the best head you ever gave me. Easily in the top five.
Girlfriend: Top five ever? Or just from me?
Boyfriend: Um...
Girlfriend: Who was better than me?
Boyfriend: That's a ridiculous question. There's no Platonic ideal of blowjobs.
--2nd Ave. & 5th St. | | |
Construction guy #1: Hey, pretty boy! Whatcha got under that skirt?
Guy in skirt: Your girlfriend's fantasy.
Construction guy #2: Oh, shit. He got you there, dude.
--Broadway & 39th | | |
McChick: Would you like that "with cheese", or without "with cheese"?
--McDonald's, 44th and Lex | | |
Girl, 7: I wish I could go in and play with them. I want to play with the turtles.
Zookeeper woman: They're not turtles. They're tortoises.
Girl, 7: Whatever. I want to step on them.
--Central Park Zoo | | |
Bike guy: The light's red. Move out of the way.
Woman: Fuck you. I don't care if the light's purple, bitch. I cross when I want!
--20th & 8th | | |
Ah, this one's for the Sillytechers who were there for this conversation...
Woman #1: I was watching this travel show the other night, and there was a bit about this cathedral in Prague built entirely out of bones.
Woman #2: Human bones?
Woman #1: Yeah. I think it was done as a memorial to the Jews that died in World War II.
--Michael Jordan's Steak House, Vanderbilt Avenue | | |
Woman #1: Oh, look over there... that is just tragic.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: Ugly twins.
--15th & 5th | | |
Two women pass each other on the street.
Woman #1: Saline?
Woman #2: Yep!
--St. Marks Place | | |
Girl on cell: Oh my god, I'm the embodiment of crack right now. I'm still drunk from last night. And wow, I just got a bad look from two Mexicans and we know that never happens. Oh my god, another bad Mexican look. What the fuck is happening? Oh my god, a cat...Shut up, oh my god, the world is conspiring against me. As soon as I said "cat" a kid came around the corner. What's next, a demon? Cats, kids, demons.
--12th & A | | |
Girl: Hey, do you have to read that for class?
Guy: Nope, just picked it up for fun.
Girl: If you like Vonnegut, you'd really like One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Next.
Guy: This is my stop.
--4 train | | |
Teen boy #1: Oh man, it was like an episode of I Love Lucy.
Teen boy #2: I love who?
Teen boy #1: Lucy. Oh man,you don't know what I Love Lucy is? Bam! I ain't your friend no more.
--Q train | | |
Teen boy: I hope the new Xbox has a vagina.
--Toys R' Us, Times Square | | |
Girl #1: I just don't think I'm his type. He's very intellectual.
Girl #2: What do you mean?
Girl #1: He's all "yada yada yada" and I'm very "What's your favorite Starburst?"
--Cosi, 31st & Park | | |
Man: Ay, Mami, looking good today...
Woman: Can't you see I am with my son?
Little boy: You're his mommy too?
--14th & 3rd | | |
Teen girl #1: Okay. Maybe I'm, like, retarded for not knowing this,
but...did you guys know that other countries have national anthems, too?
Teen girl #2: Duh! It's the same song, in different languages!
--Bay Ridge | | |
| Girl: Wait, what? You have Gandhi on your phone? | | |
Guy: If you were playing Risk, and you were Charles Darwin, would you place all of your armies on the Galapagos Islands?
--91st & Columbus | | |
Dad: What are you going to name your new horse, honey?
Little girl with My Little Pony: Skankbag!
--Bleecker & MacDougal | | |
Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me.
Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me!
Gangsta: Man, what are you excusing me about? Fck you!
Old Chinese lady: Fck me? Ok, take-a off the pant.
Stairway in silence.
Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me!
Gangsta: Sure thing, ma'am. I'm sorry.
Chinese kid: And that's why we respect our elders.
--Canal St station | | |
Teen: This car is stolen.
Man: What the fuck you talking about?
Teen: I got a StolenCarReport on my phone about this car being stolen.
Man: Muthafucka, you about to get your phone stolen.
--Montague & Hicks, Brooklyn Heights | | |
Boy: Mommy, is make-up just for girls?
Mom: Make-up is for girls and really fabulous boys.
--Eckerd, Rockaway Blvd & Liberty Ave, Ozone Park
| | |
Sarcasm Won't Help Them, Either
Girl #1: So, I just got my HIV test done for the Peace Corps.
Girl #2: Yeah, you wouldn't want to bring AIDS to Africa or anything.
--52nd St | | |
New Abstinence Campaign Ad
Woman #1: My tummy is too full.
Woman #2: My vagina hurts when I walk.
--Outside Tao, 58th & Madison | | |
College girl: Excuse me... excuse me... who is Darfur?
Guy: Are you kidding me? You need to get educated... you haven't heard of the genocide there?
College girl: Pshhh... we pay people to gather information. Why do I need to know it?
--4/5/6 platform, 96th St | | |
Those who Bootleg History Are Doomed to Profit From It
20-something Chinese guy: You know what? Chinese people discovered America.
20-something Black guy: Bullshit.
20-something Chinese guy: It's true! There's an article on CNN showing we discovered America, there are maps. Chinese were here first before everyone else. Chinese people did everything before everyone else. White people take credit for everything, but now it's coming out that Chinese made all of these discoveries first. Don't you see a pattern? We're the shit.
20-something Black guy: The only pattern I see is that you motherfuckers pirate and resell every DVD, and now you're trying to bootleg history.
--Chinatown | | |
Get in Line, Buddy
Girl on cell: You don't play with my tits enough! You just go right to it, and avoid the girls! I need some titty action!
Suit on cell, listening: I gotta go, I have to try to pick this girl up. I've never had a better come-on line in my life!
--Duane Reade, Columbus Ave
| | |
Guy: Where is that crying baby coming from? It better not be in that trash can.
--18th St & 5th Ave | | |
50-ish female lawyer at reunion party: Hi! Remember me?
50-ish male lawyer: [Long pause] Sure. 1981. Twelve dates, a carriage ride in Central Park, and I couldn't even get a hand job from you. How's your virginity?
--Brooklyn Law School | | |
Tween girl running towards crime scene minutes after a shooting: We's gonna be on TV, nigga!
--137th & Broadway | | |
Teen girl: So, do you love me or what?
Teen guy: Fuck you, fine. I guess I do love you... But I love my girlfriend, too.
Teen girl: What?!
Teen guy: Yeah, but for some reason I love your dumb ass more.
Teen girl: [Swoons.]
--1 train | | |
Oh Shit, Here Comes Another Cop!
Thug #1: Damn, how come every time a nigga tries to ride the subway the damn cops got to search 'im?
Thug #2: Um, I dunno, maybe 'cause every time you see a cop, you yell, 'Oh, shit, the po-lice!' Fuckin' dumbass. That wasted 10 fuckin' minutes! I'm not ridin' the train wit' you no more.
Thug #1: Hey, it ain't my fault! I'm from the projects. That's, like, what we do! | | |
Professor hobo: Now listen, folks. You got them crazies preachin' the end of the world. They's saying God's gonna come and un-begat us all the way to Adam. I'm not like that. I'm not. Listen -- I'm not -- so listen, okay? Listen. See, I'm a man of science. No heavenly undoing here. There's a black hole comin' this way. Those niggas comin' at like a thousand light miles an hour. I don't need no wheelchair super-talk from my computer to know that. It'll come and it'll steal your children. Pull 'em from bed and rape 'em and eat 'em. That's what them black holes do. Eat you. You and your children. Science!
--7 train
(emphasis mine) | | |
Teen chick on cell: Yeah, he's a total dickwad. But I've got to go -- I'm going to break up with him right now.
Boy walking with her: Me? Fuck you, bitch.
--23rd & 6th | | |
Prostitot #1: You know what I am totally afraid of? That I'll say something dumb or mean in school, somebody will hear it then post it on their MySpace, and then, like, everyone will read it and think I'm dumb or something.
Prostitot #2: Oh, that is, like, easy to fix. All you do is put up a lot of pictures of you in, like, a bikini or your underwear or something, and then, like, everyone will be on your side if anybody says they heard you say something dumb or whatever. They'll totally bash whoever made the nasty post about you saying they are jealous or some shit.
Prostitot #1: Wow, really?
Prostitot #2: Oh, yeah. Remember last semester when I got into that fight with Jaimie and she, like, posted the whole thing?
Prostitot #1: Yeah.
Prostitot #2: Well, the next day I put up that picture of me in the wet shirt. Everyone totally went after Jaimie saying she was just all jealous I had more friends on my page.
Prostitot #1: I am so going home now and putting up pictures of me in my underwear!
--F train | | |
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