Who wants to commit suicide?

i do, i do!!!

Host: Welcome back to 'Who wants to commit suicide!", last week Takeshi Watari reached the enviable plateau of a 256,000 dollar life insurance policy, a.k.a. the super happy best policy.

Host:
So Takeshi, you've come quite far, what are you planning to do with the money that you win in your life insurance policy?

Takeshi:
Well, Regesu-san, like most contestants, I have lost all my money in some shady business deals. I have been dishonored by not providing for my family. Committing suicide with such an excellent policy would bring honor and food to my family once again.

Host:
Sounds Grrrreeeaat [tony the tiger style]! Now let's play 'Who wants to commit suicide!

[lights flash and music plays, focus on just them]

Host:
OK, for 512, THOUSAND dollars. Gandhi was...
a) an indian peace activist
b) a mongol warlord
c) a hit pop song by Utada Hikaru
d) just some random foreign devil

Takeshi:
Uh, after a night rife with copious amounts of cheap saki, I had a dream where Gandhi grew horns after devouring a mound of dead babies. So I must say d, 'western devil'.

Host:
... is that your final answer?

Takeshi:
Hai!

Host:
You ... are ... ... ... CORRECT!
[puts his hand on the mike in his ear]
Although the judges are telling me that we would have also accepted a, ha ha ha, it turns out he was in fact a peace activist.

Takeshi:
Yes! I am one step closer to removing the dishonor that cloaks my entire family.

Host:
Yes, wonderful. You now have a 512 THOUSAND dollar insurance policy. Let me read the next question...
For a 1 MILLION dollar policy that is even valid in the event of suicide...

What did emperor Hirohito have to say to the japanese people after declaring defeat in World War 2?
a) [yells] Wasabi!
b) Cheque please.
c) I am not God.
d) Get your filthy hands off me you damn dirty americans.


Takeshi:
Ah, I would like to use a deathline. I want to phone my father.

Host:
OK, our friends at JT&T will connect us. Yes, we have a connection, go ahead.

Takeshi:
Hello Father. I don't actually need your help, I just wanted to tell you that I know the answer and am about to win the 1 million dollar super excellent explosion policy!!!

Father:
Oh Takeshi, it currently shames me to talk to you as you have no honor. But I will love you in death if you truly provide this excellent policy for us survivors. You shall have my approval, [pause] pothumiously.

Takeshi:
The answer is c.

Host:
Final answer?

Takeshi:
Hai!

Host:
well ... you .. are ... out of luck!, because now you must kill yourself to claim your 1 MILLION dollars!!!

[confetti showers everyone, lights flash]

Takeshi:
AAAEEEIII!!

Host:
CONGRATULATION!! You just won the super excellent explosion life insurance policy. What are you going to do now.

Takeshi:
[excitedly] I am going to kill myself.

Host:
[deadpan] Yeah, real original.

[end scene]

Posted by McImprov on January 24, 2003 with category tags of

10 comments
kind of dark but I rally like your stuff
   comment by brien (#76) on April 30, 2003, Rated it 4

You must really be stupid! There are people who really do commit suicide and it is not something to laugh about,unless your a communist republican like the piece of shitin the white house.
   comment by anonymous on August 7, 2003, Rated it 1

You must really be stupid! There are people who really do commit suicide and it is not something to laugh about,unless your a communist republican like the piece of shit in the white house.
I AM GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE !!!!!!!!!!
   comment by anonymous on August 7, 2003, Rated it 1

but would rather go out bye having a couple young slim atractive babes takeng care of me sexualy while there fattening me up to death on a daily base's bennafishary@yahoo.com if some one out there that wants to fulfell it for my large life insurance policy well e-mail me
   comment by anonymous on September 28, 2003

bummer im still waiting
   comment by anonymous on November 14, 2003

still waiting and gainning
   comment by anonymous on November 14, 2003

to bad cant really find it to come true with the right pepole
   comment by anonymous on November 14, 2003

you just dont know how pathetic whoever wrote this. did u ever think of those who are considering suicide like me and im only 15
   comment by anonymous on December 3, 2003, Rated it 1

ICP
   comment by anonymous on December 29, 2003, Rated it 1

Yeah! your are an idiot! There are two 15 year old kids who just commited suicide. Does that make you feel better.
   comment by anonymous on October 23, 2004

   

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