The Job Interview

By Melissa Surach

Characters:

Andrej Krazynski: Nervous guy

Employer

 

Andrej into Employer’s office.

E: (Trying to read his name off paper) Hello Mr. K-Kr-…Krajewis…zy…mm..n. What is your name?

K: (nervously stuttering) A-A-Andrej K-K-Krazynski.

E: Nice to meet you.

K: H-H-H-Hello.

            They shake hands. Employer is grossed out by K’s sweaty palms. He takes out a handkerchief and wipes his hands. K looks ashamed,  and wipes his hands on his pants.

E: Have a seat, Mr Krackerjack.

            K sits down.

I was just perusing your résumé. It’s quite long, (He lifts up a stack of papers and drops the pages, they flutter to the floor.) yet quite…considerable. (He looks K up and down.)

K: Thank you. I’m quite accomplished in my field.

E: And you are a…

K: A Numerical Analyst.

E: Well, you must think you’re smart, Mr. NutCracker.

K: Yes. Look, I know I should be discreet, but this is the job of my dreams. It’s the reason I left my family to come to this country, and the hope that I’ll one day get it keeps me alive. I’m highly qualified, and I would do a superior job. We don’t have many computers in Poland, but my experience speaks for itself—

E: Excuse me, but I believe you have a pubic hair on your vest.

K: (Looks at down at vest. Picks hair off.) Excuse me, how embarrassing. As I was saying, I can make fractals, and my wife is a combinatrix. I also have several doctorates pure applied practical abstract mathematical science engineering, and I’ve published in MST3K, and Science Dork Daily, among many many others.

E: That is quite impressive. Quite.

K: In my spare time, I sometimes download differential equations, then solve them myself while racing against the computer, output the data to a Japanese cubic spline, which I then analyze in my sleep.

E: Excuse me, Mr. Krackpot, but I believe you have another pubic hair caught on your vest.

K: Oh…I’m sorry, I should have washed my vest. (Looks but can’t find hair.)

E: It’s right there.

K: I don’t see it.

            K eventually finds it.

I have a dog…As I was saying—

E: Another one! You have another pubic hair on your vest.

K: Well, I have several dogs. I think its dog hair.

            E walks over, picks the hair and holds it up to the light. He examines it. He sniffs it and tastes it.

E: (Holding the hair very close to K’s face) No, I believe it’s a human pubic hair, most likely from a human who’s achieved puberty.

            K doesn’t know what to say.

E: Thank you for coming, Mr. Kracklepuff. That will be all.

K wears a long face as he leaves. As he’s almost out the door, E calls out,

E: Oh, and by the way, Mr. Krazynski, congratulations. You got the job!

K: Really?

E: No.

Fin

Ghetto Trash ‘99

By Melissa Surach

Characters:

Freak Nasty: Chubby man

Ratz Esposito: Pregnant Teenager with a pube wig

Kihmm: Pregnant skank

Marísa Wang-Ho: Not Asian, Hoochie

TomCat: Skank

GED coordinator

Ghetto Bitch #1

 

            FreakNasty, Ratz Esposito, Kihmm, and Marísa Wang Ho, and Tom Cat shout and make a ruckus as they hop the turnstile in the subway. TomCat plucks a handful of Ratz’ pubes and is taunting her. Ratz starts beating on TomCat, who in turn starts beating on her.

R: TomCat, why you so stupid?

T: Damn, Ratz, you almost grabbed ma nutz!

R: Hey! You grabbed ma titty! You know I’m lactating!

F: Shit, that shit’s hot! It makes ma sizzle in ma shizle!

            The three of them start a slap fight.

M: Ratz, you stank! What? Is you too poor to buy soap from the 99 cent store?

R: I told you! I make my own soap from pieces of old soap I found in the urinals at school!

T: Ratz, you the stupid one. That ain’t soap! And when did you go to school?

R: I got ma GED!

            They all look at Ratz sideways.

K: You know you don’t got no GED! You lying—you a stinking liar!

F: Das a’ight, Ratz. Yo musk is like da summer breeze over the troubled waters of my heart.

K: Ratz, you best keep yo spermy hands off ma man-child, Freak Nasty!

            The four of them start pathetically fighting.

M: HEY! Chill, yo! Da train’s coming! SHEEEIIIT! Dey’s five dollas in da track.

K: Five dollas! Dat’s more than I make per rim job! Dat five dollas is mine!

            Kihmm tries to get the money, but the men hold her back.

T: Naw, Kihmm, Naw. You can’t get dat shit!

K: Why not?

T: Cause yous a girl.

K: So?

F: Girl, don’t be stupid. Don’t make me impregnate you, bitch.

K: Too late!

            They struggle. Kihmm bites TomCat and kicks Freak Nasty in his private zone and gets away.

T: The bitch bit me!

F: You better get yo ass to a doctor. She’s got herpes and rabies.

R: don’t do it Kihmm, da train’s coming. You’ll get killt!

            They all start shouting for Kihmm not to jump in and get the money. She jumps in the tracks. They scream louder. Kihmm is caught in the headlights of the train.

            Freeze. Flashback to the proudest moment of Kihmm’s life. Maybe everyone else on stage waves hands around and says, “flashback”. GED Coordinator and Ghetto Bitch enter.

GED: Here’s your GED, Kihmm. You only failed it twice. Congratulations.

            Kihmm looks proud and happy, hugs her GED. She turns to the Ghetto Bitch behind her and slashes her face with a disposable razor.

GB: Ma face!

            She falls on floor clutching her face.

K: Dis is da proudest day of my life!

            End of flashback. Kihmm climbs up from tracks,  just misses the train, holding her “money”, which is really a used green condom.

M: Damn, Kihmm, dat was close! You almost diededed.

K: I know! But at least, I now know dat my life is worth more than (looks at condom in her hand)—What the hell is this? I ain’t never ain’t seen one of these!

F: Fuck dat shit—let’s go party in da dumpster by da river!

All: Yeah!

            They get on the train and leave.

Fin.