ANNOUNCER: You're listening to 92.2 FM: The Starr.

JERRY: (Deep DJ Voice) Good morning, Tampa. It's 5:25 AM and you're listening to "Jerry and the Wildcat."

WILDCAT: (Gritty DJ Voice) Good morning.

JERRY: Later this morning we're going to play "Stop the Rockin' Clock to Win" where we'll be giving away backstage passes for four to Deep Blue Something's December 12th show. Then we'll have a visit from Kimberly Beck, from TV's newest reality show "The Rules Clearly State One of You Has to Marry Me."

WILDCAT: She's great.

JERRY: Yes she is. But first, Wildcat, you had an interesting weekend, didn't you?

WILDCAT: Well, I don't know if I'd say (chuckles) interesting...

JERRY: You had a weekend...

WILDCAT: I had a weekend. I was driving to the record store on Farmer Ave...

JERRY: ..."From Vinyl to Disc"...

WILDCAT: Right. And I was listening to the radio...flippin' through the dial, when I got to a different station...

JERRY: Don't say the name on the air.

WILDCAT: I wasn't going to.

JERRY: Alright.

WILDCAT: (deep sigh) I got to a different station, I won't say the name, but I will say it was owned by "Queer Channel."

JERRY: NPR?

WILDCAT: (upset; as if it should end with "you idiot!") No... I was talking about "Clear Channel:" the radio conglomerate that forces the same Top 40 crap down its listeners throats in all 80 billion of the radio stations it owns...

JERRY: Is that the one that refused to buy us out?

WILDCAT: Well, I'm not so sure that...

JERRY: I thought they said our equipment was so outdated that they'd never recoup...

WILDCAT: (Changing the subject through gritted teeth) Hey, it's time to do a station ID.

JERRY: Oh, okay. It's thirty-two past the hour and you're listening to 92.2, The Starr. Aaaannd... (he holds his "and" for a long time. He's looking for something in the room.) ...I will nowwwwwwww....play this...thing...that I am...here we go... Aaaaannnnd...

TAPE: (Cheery peppy 50's style singers) The date is...Monday!

WILDCAT: That's right, Tampa, its Monday morning, and today we're gonna...

TAPE: The date is...Tuesday!

WILDCAT: (quietly) Jerry, shut that off! Haha! It's Monday morning...

TAPE: The date is... Wednesday! (long pause) The date is...Thursday!

(We can hear a struggle between the two. Jerry makes it clear that it's not his fault.)

WILDCAT: (less enthusiastic) Haha! Sorry listeners, we're having some technical difficulties...

TAPE: The date is...Friday!

WILDCAT: (continuing) ... in here today. But of course, our station manager, Greg doesn't have anything to say about that does he? Greg?

GREG: (his voice is coming from some sort of booth, he's patching himself in.) Haha! Uh....what can I tell you guys? Heh, heh. We've just got some older equipment around here...

TAPE: The date is...Saturday!

JERRY: Well, that should be the last one; I think the cartridge is up.

WILDCAT: So you're saying the week starts with Sunday, Jerry.

JERRY: (chuckling) Oohhhh, no, Wildcat. We're not...we're not going through this again.

WILDCAT: (trying to have fun) Now, I told you, I say the week should start with Monday. I mean everybody's back at work... the kids are back at school... I mean, fun's over! Time for...

TAPE: The date is...Sunday!

(uncomfortable silence)

JERRY: (trying to salvage) I, uh, I think the tape agrees with you, Wildcat.

(pause)

WILDCAT: I guess you're right. Um...okay.

TAPE: The date is...Monday!

WILDCAT: Alright. Fine. Let's, uh, let's take a quick break. We'll get together, get our stuff set, and we'll be back in a few. Let's go to Chuck with the weather. Chuck?

CHUCK: Good morning, Jerry!

JERRY: Mornin'!

CHUCK: Wildcat... Good "m" to "y!" Haha!

WILDCAT: (flatly) Good morning. How's the weather?

CHUCK: Well, we can expect some more sun this afternoon, highs in the upper 80s, some clouds towards the evening, and we're expecting to some showers this evening so be sure to bring the dog inside tonight! Wildcat!

WILDCAT: (wasn't listening) Mmm?

CHUCK: You bring...Bring Towser inside tonight!

WILDCAT: (uninterested) Mmm...

CHUCK: Okay! Today's weather was brought to you by...(shuffling papers)...Bridgeworth Electronics. Bridgeworth Electronics: for when your pet needs the very best in health care, go to PetCity. On the corner of...

JERRY: Chuck?

WILDCAT: Chuck, I think you got your sponsor sheets messed up.

CHUCK: What's that? Oh, you're right. You guys are quick. Picked right up on my mistake. Picked right up and jumped right on me. Nice job. (more paper shuffling) Okay. Bridgeworth Electronics, is our sponsor. Bridgeworth Electronics means quality. Test drive one today at your local dealer.

WILDCAT: No, Chuck. No. You want sheet 3. Sheet. Three.

CHUCK: Right, right. Sorry... That's why you're the hosts and I'm the unpaid intern... (clears throat) That's Bridgeworth Electronics. (pause) Double B. Honk! Honk! M, C, O.

WILDCAT: That's it! I quit! Goodbye! Have fun! See you all later! (his voice gets quieter as he leaves the booth)

(The door slams. There is yet another silence.)

JERRY: Um. It's...5:41 AM and you're listening to "The Awesome Jerry Show." I'm Awesome Jerry and, oh hang on...what's that Greg? Oh, okay. Welcome to "The Awesome Jerry Show," a division of "Clear Channel."

(We are in a library. There is a crowd of people, sitting and reading at a desk. At the front is a man with two girls, one on either side of him. Suddenly, the silence is broken by the custom ring-tone of a cell phone. It plays the girly song of the day like "Soak Up the Sun" or "Complicated," for the purposes of this draft we will use the latter. The man begins to reach for his phone but catches himself. It continues to ring as more annoyed faces turn and glare at him.)

Girl: Pick it up Avril.

(There is no response; she nudges him)

Man: I'm sorry?

Girl: Your phone. The one blaring "Complicated." Answer it, I'm trying to work. (She turns her head back to her book)

Man: (looks around) That's not my phone.

(The girl on his other side turns to speak)

Girl 2: The noisy phone on your hip that's lighting up and vibrating isn't yours?

Man: (to her) Stay out of this. This...woman here is insulting me. (To Girl 1) Now, the phone that is ringing obviously belongs to a girl.

Girl: Look, buddy. I'm not judging you. I just want to get some work done.

Girl 2: Yeah, so just answer your phone.

Man: (to Girl 2; vastly irritated) Please, madam. (To Girl 1) Now see here. I don't like your insinuating that I am the gay. (Growing very angry) I only came to this library to read the newest Tiger Beat in peace! Now, please, find the real culprit and leave me be!

Girl: Just shut off your phone!

Girl 2: Please!

Man: (shouting) I'll deal with you in a minute! (To Girl 1) That is not my phone! This is my phone!

(He lifts up his cell phone and the music grows louder)

Man: (to Girl 2) And you need to mind your own business.

(Girl 1 takes his cell phone and beats him violently with it. The phone is broken, the man presumed dead but the music continues. All eyes slowly move to Girl 2 who is in shock. She slowly opens her purse and pulls out the cell phone.)

Girl 2: (slowly) My God... It was mine all along...

(She answers the phone)

Phone: You have one message. Recorded seven minutes ago. Beep!

Man: (through phone) Hello. I'm, uh, sitting next to you in the library. And I, uh, well, I don't usually do this, but would you like to have dinner with me, maybe? Call me.

(She throws her head back dramatically)

Girl 2: Nooooooooo!

(Everyone freezes and a man in a suit walks out.)

Man: Hello. I'm Mort, the moral giver. Today's moral is: (he opens a fortune cookie and reads it) You will only win mediocrity in whatever calling you adopt. I guess...that doesn't really apply, but it'll do. Drive safely.

(He waves goodbye.)]]> https://vorg.ca/172-Girly-Phone Ramso Skit 2003-05-21T23:41:30+00:00 https://vorg.ca/172-Girly-Phone#replies https://vorg.ca/77-Cool-Jesus Kid: In the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit. Amen. Dear, Lord. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for letting me do pretty good at school. And thank you for letting Sara come into my life. She's smart...funny...and God, that body... perfect breasts....

[Pause]

Kid: [still in thought] Oh man! I'm sorry God! Didn't mean to start doing...that in the middle of prayer!

[There is a blinding flash of light and a short choir musical sting]

Kid: Oh my God! Jesus!

Jesus: You are correct with both statements, my son.

Kid: I suppose you're here to smite me...

Jesus: [less reverent] What's that?! Oh you thought... No, man, no. You're thinking of my dad...the Jew god? [quickly] Their Torah, our Old Testament. I'm Jesus. I'm cool, man, don't worry.

[Jesus lights a cigarette]

Kid: Oh. But why are you... Are you smoking, Jesus?

Jesus: [extinguishing match] Oh, I'm sorry!

[Jesus offers the cigarettes to the kid]

Kid: No, I don't smoke.

Jesus: [to himself, sing-songy] At least not yet...

Kid: What's that Lord?

Jesus: Nothing. Hey, I'm here to tell you to lighten up. Live a little! You only get one chance on Earth...in most cases.

Kid: But didn't you say in the Bible that we'd live in eternal bliss in heaven once we died?

Jesus: Hey, man. [Picks up a Bible from the nightstand] I don't remember writing any of these things [flips through it] This was just some of my fishin' buddies.

Kid: So...there's no heaven...

Jesus: I didn't say that. All I'll tell you is that...the clubs get boring after a while, the rec room pool tables take quarters and Nixon lost the last ping-pong ball.

Kid: I've never heard anything like that in church.

Jesus: Look kid. Let me level with you. I've got a demo CD here that Lennon, Cobain and Buddy Holly made for me, but Hendrix blew my speakers out so
[points a finger gun at kid] I'm usin' yours.

Kid: You cant! [the music is already blaring; it's horrible] My mom'll here!

[Jesus is rocking out]

Mom: [from downstairs] Turn that down! Some of us are trying to get drunk!

Kid: Quick! Hide!

[The mom enters the room]

Mom: Why are you making all this noise?!

Kid: [ashamed] Mom, I'm not going to lie to you. There's a Catholic leader hiding in my closet.

Mom: [leaving] Honey, you're fifteen. I thought you were old enough to know there's no such thing as monsters.

Kid: Dammit, Jesus!

Jesus: [coming into the room] Wow. You sounded just like my dad there for a second. “Damn this for me, Jesus,” “Damn that for me, Jesus.” You know, there are times when a guy just wants to sit back and do his own thing. And there are times when a guy’s own thing involves ignoring their parent’s commands and taking bong hits with Hendrix.

Kid: Look, I’m sorry. But I really need…

Jesus: And, hey! Was that your mom? Damn. [looks up] Not literally. But, wow. What a piece of clay that Eve was! I’d like to visit her Garden of Eden. [looks at kid; nothing] If she was really made in God’s image I might hang out with my dad a little bit more. [still nothing] I wouldn’t condemn her but I wouldn’t let her lead a life without sin, either!

Kid: [coldly] I didn’t get that last one.

Jesus: John 8:1-11. “Blah, blah…cast the first stone.”

Kid: I thought you said that was just some stuff your friends wrote.

Jesus: Yeah, will if your future gay lover Enrique were to write a book, you’d probably read that!

Kid: Are you saying the disciples were gay? [pause] Are you saying I’m going to be gay?!

Jesus: Dude! They were NOT gay! Well, Judas had us all on the fence for a little bit, but ever wonder why that stuff’s not kosher according to the Bible? Well, ask St. Peter what happens when Judas gets a little too much “blood of me” at the Last Supper…

Kid: I don’t believe this! In the future, I’m going to be gay? [thinks] But, now that I know this, couldn’t I try and change it?

Jesus: Yeah, but it’s probably not going to do anything. [bored] What if this is the event that sets your homosexuality in motion, blah, blah, and all that other time paradox crap from that Star Trek stuff you watch.

Kid: But what about my girlfriend, Sara?

Jesus: She’s all for it, dude!

Kid: I…think…I need you to leave.

Jesus: Whatever. You’re really killin’ my buzz anyway. See ya soon, man.

[Jesus walks out door where he meets a small group of teenagers about the kids age]

Boy 1: Thanks, dad. I can’t believe we just made Chris Dain gay.

Jesus: [taking off robe to reveal normal street clothes] No problem. I used to pull fake-Messiah stuff like this all the time when I was your age. Now who wants to the strip club with a horrible father?!

[The kids cheer]]]> https://vorg.ca/77-Cool-Jesus Ramso Skit 2003-03-12T08:37:40+00:00 https://vorg.ca/77-Cool-Jesus#replies