impro blog @ Vorg

The dead body sketch

impro — 2002-06-03T00:00:00+00:00

Because sometimes a 'normal' funeral just isn't enough

[The scene is of a family is sitting at Christmas dinner. The family is a hillbillie family. Present are Ma, Pa, Little Sister, Big Brother (BB), and Grandpa. ]
[the family is talking about how great Christmas is]
Then Grandpa, chewing on a piece of x-tra fat turkey, starts to choke, he stands up writhes around and falls to the ground. There is much surprise. Little Sister gets down on her knees, and cries over the body screaming "NOOOOOO!!!!"

Pa: Weeell shoot, what do we do now?
BB: I dunno, Pa, 'taint much we can do till tomorrow. The funeral homes are closed fer Christmas Eve.
Ma: Well we can't leave 'im here, he'll start to rot and stink up the house, and Santee Claus won't come.
Pa: Then we gotta dump 'im off at the morgue. Boy, you gotta be a man and shoulder the responsibility.
BB: (wipes a tear from his eye) Okay pa. I'll make you proud.
[BB shoulders DB (dead body) and leaves.]
They all wave bye, and shout "good luck."

[switch scenes. brother is carrying the body in a rundown part of town close to the morgue]
Throughout the following events, BB gets more and more angry.
[Two guys in an alley are eyeing him the whole time]
[The brother is accosted by a crazy-looking-man:]
Crazy Man [yelling crazily]: Hey man, you wanna buy a chicken? [crazy man is waving a rubber chicken around]
BB [scared]: Ack, no. Get away from me you crazy old man.
[BB avoids the crazy man, and enters the morgue]

BB: I came to drop off my dead grand-daddy. Where should I leave him?
Morgue attendant: Can I see your DBDO-407?
BB: What?
Morgue attendant: Well surely you have your 'Dead Body Drop Off' form?
BB: Ah, no, not really. But I have the dead body right here [gestures at dead body]. Can't you just take him?
Morgue attendant: Sorry sir. You'll have to go to the Bureau of Dead Bodies and get the form. You can find it at 84 Wellington Avenue, on the other side of town.
BB: Gon-sarnit!

[show the words 'later that day, the brother returns with the paperwork he recieved from the Bureau of Dead Bodies'.]
BB: Well, here I am again. I brought the paper work.
Morgue attendant: Great. You can just dump it anywhere there's room.
[BB gives paperwork to Morgue attendant]
Morgue attendant: Ah sir, I don't mean to be a bother, but this form hasn't been stamped by the proper authorities.
BB [Fed up]: And who the hell is the proper authority?
Morgue attendant: Well that would be the bureau of stamping the paperwork from the bureau of dead bodies. Right next door to the bureau of legislation of dead bodies.
[BB slumps out from the morgue, dejected and tired]
[BB puts the dead body down to rest. BB lies back and closes his eyes]
[IMMEDIATELY the two guys from the allay see their chance. They run for the dead body and try and drag it away.]
[BB buys a chicken from the crazy man and beats the two guys off with it. They run away back to the alley]

[show the words 'even later that day, the brother returns with the paperwork he recieved from the Bureau of Dead Bodies which has been stamped by the bureau of stamping the paperwork from the bureau of dead bodies'.]
BB: Well, I'm back again. And I have the paperwork stamped. Will you take my grand-pappy now?
Morgue attendant: Well of course sonny-boy. Just drop him there. [he gestures to nowhere/everywhere]
[BB dumps the body on the ground. he is exhausted]

[the father enters the morgue, along with the rest of the family]
fater: Son, you did mighty well. But I have to admit, Grandpaw's not really dead. Get on up pops.
[the grandpa stands up]
Grandpaw: Good work boy.
BB: what???
father: It was just a test son. But you passed. You're a man now.
[BB looks shocked, then he starts to laugh as if he's gone crazy]
father: Aw come on son. It's christmass. Let's dance our troubles away.

[hillbillie music starts to play. they all dance. the morgue attandant and the sister disappear together into the back of the morgue]

Satan entering heaven

impro — 2002-05-30T00:00:00+00:00

So there's this guy called Satan (aka Lucifer, Beelzebub, Abaddon) and he wants to get into Heaven. Because Heaven is a kick-ass place to be if you believe all the stories. The only problem is this St. Peter guy...

[St. Peter is standing behind the podium left center stage, John the Baptist (a very holy looking dude) is sitting on the edge of far left stage eating a sandwich.]

[Enter Person 1]
St. Peter: Name?
Person 1: Forper Saxston.
[St. Peter looks in his big book]
St. Peter: O.K. you're good, go on in.

[Enter Person 2]
St. Peter: Name?
[looks in his book]
Person 2: Juan Valdez.
St. Peter: Yeah, you made it.

[Enter Satan dressed in Groucho Marx glasses]
St. Peter: Name?
Satan: Groucho.
[St. Peter doesn't even both to look in his book]
St. Peter: Groucho??? You look familiar, do I know you?
Satan: [very inocently] oh, I don't think so. I think I would have remembered dying before.
St. Peter: [thinks for a sec] Yeah, I thought so. You're not Groucho, you bastard, you're Satan! Satan, back evil fiend, Vade Retro, Etan.
[Brings out a giant cross and waves it at him.]
[satan runs away wildly]

[Enter Person 3]
St. Peter: Name?
Person 3: Edwina Goulash. [looks in his book]

St. Peter: O.K. you're in.

[Enter Satan dressed as a pizza guy]
St. Peter: Name?
Satan: Yeah, I got a pizza here, for someone named Jehova.
St. Peter: What? We didn't order any pizza.
Satan: Well, someone's gotta pay for it, lemme just take it in and see.
St. Peter: [resigned] You're Satan again aren't you.
Satan: Satan, what, never heard of him.
St. Peter: You ARE Satan.
[St. Peter rips off Satan's hat and knocks the pizza flying to the side]

Begone from from holy place and returns to the depths of hell from whence you came!
Satan: Oh man...

[Enter Person 4]
St. Peter: Name?
Person 4: Lord Kimbote.
St. Peter: Yeah, you're on the list.
[Satan tries to sneak by in the back of the stage]
St. Peter: Hey you over there, you should know that won't work, you're not gonna get in, whatever you try, so get lost.

[Enter Person 5]
St. Peter: Name?
Person 5: Bill Hampton.
St. Peter: Yeah, go on in.

[Satan enters in a kilt and tiara]
St. Peter: Name?
Satan: Mary Queen of Scots.
St. Peter: What? You came here 400 years and we sent you to hell then too. What are you trying to pull?
Satan: Damn!
St. Peter: Look I told you you're not getting in.
Satan: Here's 50 bucks if you let me in.
[St. Peter looks around, takes the money and lets him by]

[Satan gets by the gate, starts cackling quictly to himself]
Satan: Now we'll see whose boss.

[Enter God]
St. Peter: Oh my god, it's God!!
God: St. Peter, what's going on here? Did you let Satan in to heaven.
St. Peter: [knows he's in trouble] Uh...it wasn't me, I just got here
[St. Peter looks around and sees John The Baptist]
St. Peter: It was John The Baptist that did it.
[St. Peter points at John The Baptist]
John The Baptist: You BASTARD!!!!
God: John The Baptist, I'm disapointed in you, you must be smitten.
[John The Baptist drops his sandwich, lights go out, thunder sounds, lights come on, John The Baptist is lying there dead, God turns to Satan]
St. Peter: And as for you...
Satan: According to heavenly law, once I'm in Heaven there's nothing you can do about it.
[Lawyer pops his head in]
Lawyer: He's right you know.
God: Blast!
Satan: Here's what I'm gonna do, because I like you so much I'm gonna invite you into a little contest. The winner rules heaven, and the loser's stuck with hell. The game: rock, paper, scissors.
God: O.K. I'm in.
[They both stare at each other, then proceed to go 1,2,3 and they both do rock, the same thing happens over and over again]

Satan: Bah, this is never going to work. It's like you know what I'm going to do before I do.
God: Well I AM god, you know.

Old yeller

impro — 2002-05-30T00:00:00+00:00

Looks like Old Yeller's gone bad. Oh well, guess we'll have to put him down.

The Old Yeller Sketch.
Narrator: The story so far: little Timmy has grown very attached to his new dog, Old Yeller. One might say they were like a mango and his umbrella: one just ain't any good without the otha. But now, due to a freak biological experiment, Old Yeller has rabies.

[the hobo is lying down in a corn field on the side of the stage]
[enter Timmy and his mother to the center of the stage]
TIMMY: Mom, what's wrong with Old Yeller? What's that white stuff around his mouth?
[Old Yeller runs around in his pen with whipped cream all over his mouth, the cream gets knocked off, and he puts more on himself]
MOTHER: He's sick Timmy.
HOBO: [to himself, but highly audible] Not as sick as you are, ya old hag!
TIMMY: Is Old Yeller gonna be okay?
HOBO: [to himself] Quit worrying about your stupid little dog, you little snot!
TIMMY: Who's that man over there mother?
[hobo takes a swig from a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag, and hacks phlegm on the stage]
MOTHER: Oh that's just a poor old vagabond son.
HOBO: Not half as old as you are, you motley cow!
MOTHER: Timmy, there's only one thing for us to do. We have to kill Old Yeller.
HOBO: It's about time you offed that scraggly mutt.
[mother pulls out a shotgun from her apron]
TIMMY: Wait ma, let me do it, he's more my dog than anybody's.
HOBO: Finally doing something for yourself, eh, you lazy free-loading porker.
[Timmy approaches Old Yeller and raises the gun, then he begins to cry]
TIMMY: It's just so hard mom.
HOBO: Oh shut up! Nobody likes a whiner.
[Timmy shoots Old Yeller repeatedly, blood spurts everywhere]
[Mom leaves crying]
[Hobo drags Old Yeller's corpse to the side of the stage and eats a part of it]
Hobo: Hey Timmy, want a bite?
Timmy: [shocked] Are you eating Old Yeller?
Hobo: Damn straight kid!
Timmy: That's horrible
Hobo: It is a little raw I'll admit, but if I got a little mayo it would be snazztastic
[Jazz guys say Yeeeeah]
Timmy: Really? OK, gimme a bite
Hobo: I don't know, I think I'll keep it all for myself.
Timmy: Come on, pleeeeeease?
Hobo: I don't think you're ready kid.
Timmy: I'll give you a nickle.
Hobo: Hmm... Well come back here and we'll make a little trade...
[Timmy and Hobo exit]
Narrator: And that's when Timmy joined the world of the Hobos and from then on the two bums never parted.

Cocaine

impro — 2002-05-30T00:00:00+00:00

There's nothing like a little cocaine to spice things up...

[The scene starts with a guy in the hall of a house. He is about to go outside.]

[Man putting on winter clothes. Happy music playing as a soundtrack]
[Man walks outside, he is very happy, on his happy winter walk]

Scene 2
[Forest setting. Man is happy]
[Man walks on. Passes a big rock.]
Man: Hello Mr. Rock
[Bird chirping]
Man: Hello Mr. Bird
[Man walks on. Passes a tree.]
Man: Hello Mr. Tree
[Man walks on. Passes two people having sex]
Man: Hello two people having sex!
[Man walks on. Passes a wooden chair sitting in the middle of the forest with a pile of white powder on it]
Man: Hello Mr. Cocaine.
[Man walks on. Stops. Turns around, checks to see if anyone is watching.]
[Man walks nonchalantly back to the chair. Snorts Cocaine.]

[Close up on face. Eyes wide, Face Shaking, Foam coming out of his mouth. Hold on close-up for a few secs]
[Man turns around and starts to madly run back from whence he came]

[Man passes two people having sex.]
Man: Hello two people having sex!
[Runs up behind them. Two people having sex do not notice. Man sprays them with fire extinguisher that just happens to be lying beside them in case of fire during sex. (it should be sitting next to a sign that says 'In Case Of Fire')]
[Man runs away from whence he came]
[Man passes tree]
Man: Hello Mr. Tree.
[Man pulls out chainsaw that just happens to be lying beside tree in case of fire (yes there is a sign.)
[The man continues, kills the bird, pounds on the rock for a sec, then he sits down on the rock (he's very tired)]
man: "Whew, cocaine's more tiring than I thought! ... I think I'm going to have a little rest."
[man lies down on the rock and falls asleep]