larrylorre blog @ Vorg http://vorg.ca/~larrylorre All items Copyright 2001-2004 by their respective authors en-us https://vorg.ca/558-Leave-it-to-the-Beav Announcer
Those punk rockers of the 80’s are all grown up now with kids of their own. Let’s join them at the trailer park for this weeks episode of “Leave it to Pussy”.

Crunching guitar to the tune of “Leave it to Beaver”

Scene opens on 2 punk parents in room. He’s in chair, Moon’s bringing him a beer.

Moon
You were a little hard on the Pussy last night, Wad!

Wad
He deserved it. You know he got caught stealing a car yesterday night. How many times have I told him—Don’t steal cars until after midnight! Too many people still up.

Moon
Yeah, and he’s only got so many productive years left before he’s sent up as an adult to do hard time.

Wad
That’s what I told him between kicks!

Moon(disappointed)
You never beat me anymore Wad!

Wad
That’s cuz you like it too much.

She laughs and wiggles her tongue at him.

Moon(calling)
Pussy! The can’s open. C’mon and eat before I throw it out!

Pussy enters(skuzzy looking kid)
Yo, Wuzzup

Wad
Listen to him, talking like that around here.(pause) Acting like he’s got an education or somethin’ (to Pussy) You’re no smarter than me, so don’t act like it!

Pussy
Whatever Asshole(sits at table)


Wad
That’s better!

Wally and Eddie Characters enter

Eddie(looking around)
What a bunch of sorry looking scumbags. (To Moon) Except you sweet cheeks(smacks her on the ass)

Moon(smiles)
You’re a smooth one Eddie

Wad(to Eddie)
Hands off peckerhead. Unless you want to end up in the woodchipper!

Eddie(shrugs)
Try to give a compliment.

Wad(checks watch)
Hey! Jerry Springer’s on. You shits get out and let us have some quality time.

Moon
I love seeing how the other half lives.

Fade out and in on the three boys

Wally
--and then we’ll tape a garbage bag over his head and throw him in the river!

Pussy(laughing)
That sounds like fun!

Eddie
Must you two always personify the role society has pigeonholed you in?

Wally
Huh?

Pussy
What’s he sayin’ Wally?

Wally
I don’t know Pussy!



Eddie
Simply put, it’s that with parents such as yours, you would be expected to grow up as wastrels, and that your deviation from the norm is understandable on all counts.

Wally
I don’t know what he’s sayin’ Pussy, but let’s beat the shit out of him(he punches Eddie who doubles over and falls)

Pussy(smiling)
Gee Wally!(starts to kick the down Eddie)

Fade out

Announcer
Join us next week, with special guest star Tori Spelling for the episode entitled “Wally gets some school play”
]]> https://vorg.ca/558-Leave-it-to-the-Beav larrylorre Skit 2004-01-16T21:44:31+00:00 https://vorg.ca/558-Leave-it-to-the-Beav#replies https://vorg.ca/497-A-Longie There’s a butcher shop sign hanging above.
Frank, the butcher is Italian. He’s at the counter.

(A woman walks in.)

Woman(in sexy voice) Hi. My friend Rosie recommended you.

Frank: Yeah. Rosie. I take care of her somethin’ good. Keep her satisfied. You know what I’m talking” about?

Woman: I hope you can satisfy me Frank. (She leans in)

Frank: I’ll take good care of ya. What ya want?

Woman: I need a big sausage.

Frank(leans close): You need a big sausage, I give you a big sausage. How about this?

(Woman blocks audience view while Frank reaches down and pulls something up to counter level.

Woman: It’s huge!

Frank: 12 inch Polska Kielbasa. Our specialty. If that don’t satisfy your hunger, Nuthin’ will.

Woman: I’ll take two!

Frank: You’re a wild woman! I gotta watch out for you! Here you go.

(He hands her the package and she leaves)

(Another woman, Jill, enters)

Jill: Hi Frankie. I need something hot.

Frank: You do huh? Well come over here and I‘ll give it to ya.

(Jill leans over counter)

Jill: Give it to me Frankie. Give it to me now!

Frank(leans in): Frankie’s gonna give you his hot Italian sausage. You want that?

Jill(turned on): Yes! Yes!

Frank(Drops sausage on counter) Hot Italian sausage. $3.95 a pound. This is the good stuff!

Jill: I’ll take three pounds!

Fank: The usual, huh? Figured that. I know how you like it! I already wrapped it up. Here ya go. (Hands her the package)

Jill: Thanks, Frank. You sure know how to please a woman! (She exits)

Frank: That’s right, Frankie does!

(Person enters from off stage)

Director-Biff: Cut! Cut! Who wrote this shit? Larry? It wasn’t you, was it?

(Larry comes over)

Larry: Yeah. What’s the matter?

Biff: We’re making porn here, right? Where’s the sex? Shouldn’t the girl end up behind the counter and---

Larry: Listen, I’ve written some of the real classics, right? House of the Seven Blow Jobs, For Whom the Belle Blows, The Last of the Blowhicans, How Green was my Virgin. So I’ve got some credibility, right? I’m tired of doing the same old thing! This one’s gonna be a no sex porn film. Never been done before! Let’s give it a try. What have we got to lose?

Biff: (Pause) I suppose…(looking at script)...OK. The shower scene’s up next. The actors need….(looking down)… Winter coats on? All right, let’s go people!

(Lights down and up on two movie seated reviewers)

Jeff: Next up is the film, Where’s the Nudity? I’ve got to tell you Andy, this film was a revelation! An original tale of lust, rejection, frigidity, and virtue. It’ll make my top ten list this year! Heads up, way up for this brilliant film!

Andy: I agree completely! Heads up for me too. This film exposed the seamy underside of the suburban lifestyle. And the shower scene with the winter coats? A perfect metaphor for failed relationships. Watch for this one at the Academy Awards!

Jeff: Yes! Definitely! That’s all for this week on Cranium Cinema. Save us some of those nacho chips and cheese. Ok?

(Lights down and up on person(Actor) at podium with card—He opens it)
Actor: And the Oscar for best actor goes to…. Dick Throb! Where’s the Nudity!




(Dick enters)

Dick: I’d like to thank Vickie Vixen and Lotta Lust for helping me prepare for this role (Does an exaggerated wink) Wink. Wink. I’m winking here, in case you couldn’t tell. And I’d like to thank the director… Biff. (Holds up statue) Right on brother!

(Lights down and up on actor)

Actor: And the Oscar for best director goes to…. Biff Riff for Where’s the Nudity?

(Biff enters)

Biff(Looking around): Wow! This is unreal! I’d like to thank my ma, who, when I turned 30, kicked me out of the house. Thanks ma!

(Lights down and up on the reviewers)

Jeff: Well, as we predicted Andy, the film Where’s the Nudity walked away with 7 Academy Awards. Noticeably absent, however, was a win for best screenplay. Your thoughts?

Andy: It’s a real puzzle. Perhaps the Academy voters didn’t believe that a guy with the single name of Larry wrote it. Then of course the internet rumor that Larry was a pseudonym for Dick Cheney may have turned off a lot of the voters.

(Lights down and up on Biff and Larry)

Biff: If anybody should have won Larry, it should have been you.

Larry: Thanks.

Bill: What are you going to do now?

Larry: People called my film perfection. How can you top that? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll go back to writing standard porn. You with me?

Biff: Sorry. Not this time. I got a three picture deal with Paramount. Hey, now that I’m officially a genius, I’ll find you some legit work! It’s like one of your old film titles: It’s Not Who You Blow….

Larry: It’s Who You Know!

(Larry smiles, they exchange a low five, lights down)
]]> https://vorg.ca/497-A-Longie larrylorre Skit 2003-12-23T15:00:25+00:00 https://vorg.ca/497-A-Longie#replies https://vorg.ca/496-a-Quickie V.O.

To anyone out there who could use some more money….
Rates have never been lower! Now is the time to (ECHO) Mortgage your children’s future! (DROP ECHO) That’s right, you can obtain a very attractive rate on your children’s future earnings. With such a low rate, it’ll be easy for them to pay it back. Buy that thing you always wanted! Don’t worry! Be Happy! Your kids will be happy, knowing that you’re enjoying a wealthier lifestyle, on them! Lock in a great rate today! Call 1-800-S-L-A-V-E-R-Y!

(LEGAL DRONE) Rates subject to change without notice. Void where prohibited. In Kentucky pop cans are not acceptable as payment. Children may be required to relocate to Bangkok, Thailand.

V.O.
Don’t wait! Don’t think! Do it now!
]]> https://vorg.ca/496-a-Quickie larrylorre Skit 2003-12-23T14:58:11+00:00 https://vorg.ca/496-a-Quickie#replies https://vorg.ca/469-Feedback-wanted Phone Sex

(Guy Calling on phone, we hear dialing sounds and ring)

Girl
Hello. Cheap sluts.

Guy
Huh? Hello. I was looking for Discount Sluts. I must have dialed the wrong number.

Girl
Hey Horny! We’ll take care of you cheap!

Guy
That sounds good, but I’m a thrifty sort. I’m really looking for the best deal in sluts. Discount Sluts were really low priced!

Girl
Listen, sexy man, we’ll meet or beat any other sluts price!

Guy
I really want the best bang for the buck, so to speak. The most slut for the dollar.

Girl
We consider ourselves the Wal-Mart of sluts, honey.

Guy
That sounds tempting, but I’m looking for a better deal.

Girl
Hey, you cheap bastard—

Guy
What’d you call me?

Girl
Cheap bastard?

Guy(getting turned on)
Oh yeah—Tell me more!

Girl
You’re so cheap, you’ve probably got the first dollar you ever made!

Guy
As a matter of fact----Ohhh more!

Girl
You’re so cheap, you separate your two ply toilet paper so it lasts longer!

Guy(more turned on)
Yeah! Yeah! I do! I do!

Girl
You’re so cheap, you’d send your mom a birthday card postage due!

Guy
Great Idea! I love it. I love it! Ohhhh!

Girl
Did you?--- (accusing) You son of a bitch! I don’t suppose you’ll give me your credit card number?

Guy
Thanks Cheap Sluts! That was the cheapest ever!

Girl
You’re welcome. I guess.



Fade out
]]> https://vorg.ca/469-Feedback-wanted larrylorre Skit 2003-12-13T00:30:38+00:00 https://vorg.ca/469-Feedback-wanted#replies https://vorg.ca/389-Sing-it-Jack I can’t wait to type.
That’s when I feel free
Tell the story of
A man I’ll never be

I’m more than a bird
I’m more than a plane
I’m a reporter
Jimmy Olson’s my name

It’s not easy being Jimmy

Lois is really hot
Brunette, she’s so sexy
As long as he’s around
She’ll never sleep with me

It may sound absurd
But don’t you believe
Superman thinks he’s better than me
I may be disturbed
But won’t you concede
It would be fun to see Superman bleed

I’m not happy being Jimmy

Up, up and away
I’m Superman’s pal
Yeah, It’s alright
But if he were to die tonight
I’m not threatening—or anything

I can’t wait to type
That’s when I feel free
Type the obituary
Of Superman, hee hee

He makes diamonds
Digs gold for free
If I’m such a friend
Why’s there none for me?
I’m gonna use thread, I’m gonna use tape
Gonna put Kryptonite, inside his cape

Inside his cape
Inside his cape
Inside his cape
Inside his cape

I’m only a man, why couldn’t it be me
I’m only a man ground stuck to my feet
I’m only a man, why couldn’t it be me.
It’s not easy


It’s not easy, being Jimmy
]]> https://vorg.ca/389-Sing-it-Jack larrylorre music 2003-10-20T00:00:14+00:00 https://vorg.ca/389-Sing-it-Jack#replies https://vorg.ca/382-Yet-another-one Open on two Jamaican guys with bunches of bananas scattered around.

Guy 1 (singing):Day-o, Daaaay-o

Guy 2(sing):Daylight come and me wan go home.

Guy 1 (sing):Come Mr. Tally man tally me banana.

Guy 2 (sing): Daylight come and me wan go home.

Guy1(realizing): Hey, It’s daylight, right?

Guy2: What’s your point?

Guy 1: Where’s Mr. Tally man?

Lights down and pulsing sound

V.O.
It’s time for CSI (pause) Jamaica

Lights up on crime scene. Reggae tune in background-fading. CSI guy 2(Jim) is doing analysis at the scene.

CSI guy 1(Will) walks over.

Will: What’ve we got?

Jim(referring to notebook): One Mr. Tallyman, dead of a 32 millimeter puncture wound to the chest.

Will: You think that would kill him?

Jim: If he died because of it.

Will: Good thinking.

Jim: There’s a lot of blood here. Almost like a cow was butchered.

(A Jamaican guy(Reggie) wanders over)

Reggie: Oh, Ya mon. That’s we butcher the cow for the voodoo ceremony.

Jim: Thirty gallons of cow blood over everything kind of taints the crime scene.

Will: Hit it with the black light.

Jim lights the scene.

Reggie: Ooooh. I got one of dem in my room mon. The posters look sooooo bright.

Will: Thanks for your input sir. Can you move beyond the barriers please.

Reggie: No problem. Have a nice day.

Jim (reaches down): What’s this?(examines) Looks like an insect hair.

Will(looking): Let’s send it into the lab for analysis. I’d say it’s about one half millimeter long?

Jim: I agree. Is that significant?

Will: It could be.

Jim: Possibly?

Will: Possibly.

Jim: Maybe?

Will: I wouldn’t go that far.

Jim: On a significance scale of one to one hundred?

Will: I’d give it a thirty.

Jim: I was thinking 29, maybe a shade toward thirty.

Will: Twenty nine point five?

Jim: Agreed.

Will: Let’s send it in then.(calling to CSI person Jane) Jane what’s your read on this?

Jane(comes over): I’m thinking twenty nine to thirty.

Will: We’ve already covered that. I mean the cause of death.

(Jim exits)

Jane: That puncture wound looks similar to that of the beak of an emperor penguin.

(Reggie wanders back)

Reggie: There ain’t no penguins in Jamaica mon. Ha Ha Ha.

Will: You seem to know a lot about this.

Reggie: I don’t know nothing mon.

Will(calling): Sergeant, take this man in for questioning.

(Reggie is hauled away. Woman asst. district Atty. comes over)

DA: Will, we need a conviction here. The DA’s busting my balls on this case.

Will: Figuratively speaking.

DA: Of course.(pause) Mr. Tallyman was an important man. They wrote a song about him for Christsake.

Will: We’re still doing analysis.

DA(indicates Reggie): Hey, why are you taking in Reggae Reggie?

Will: He seems to know some things.

DA: Well he’s a celebrity around here so tread lightly.

Will: Figuratively speaking.

DA: Of course.

(Lights down then up on Reggie and Sarge in room on opposite sides of table.

Reggie: Mind if I smoke?

Sarge: Not at all

(Reggie pulls out a huge joint)

(Lights down then up on Will’s office-Jim enters)

Will: We got anything on the Reggie interrogation yet?

Jim: Yes, Here's the report. (hands him a sheet of paper).

Will(smells paper, looks at it): All it says is big fuzzy hat.

Jim: Sarge is our best interrogator, Will.

Will: I’m not questioning his ability.(pause) Something smells here. Lets’ send Reggie’s hat in for analysis.

Jim: I’m on it.(exits)

(Jane enters)

Jane: Will, I was right on my analysis.(holds up photos) Look, Wound curvature matches the emperor penguin beak exactly. He was killed by an emperor penguin.

Will: Y’know that sounds like something a Jamaican crack whore would say.

Jane(angry): That was me in the old days, Will.(whistful) Fun times.(comes back)

Jane(cont): I’m over that. I know it sounds weird, this being Jamaica and all, but maybe someone has a penguin for a pet.

Will: You may be on to something there. Check the pet shops for Aieee!(grabs neck in pain)

Jane: Check for Aieee? (notices) Will, what’s wrong?

Will: It was a stabbing pain in my neck. It’s better now.

(Lights down and up on stage right to the evil professor. He has an voodoo altar and candles burning, etc. He’s holding a doll and pulling the needle from it.)

Prof: So CSI team, you are getting too close for comfort. Your comfort(maniacal) Ha Ha Ha!

(Lights down and up on Will’s office, Jim enters)

Jim: Will, I’ve got the data back on Reggies hat. It’s made of hemp.

Will: There’s a shocker.

Jim(angry): What’s wrong with hemp! It’s a viable agricultural product. They can make paper from hemp. They can make clothes from hemp. They can make food from hemp. Hemp is great!

Will: Didn’t know you were a stoner Jim

Jim(nervous): Um. Well. Um. Huh?

Will: Anything else on the hat?

Jim: Oh, Yeah. We found some chicken blood, cow blood, movie prop blood and a chicken Mc Nugget.

Will: Sounds like classic voodoo cult stuff. Hey, Didn’t Reggie say something about voodoo at the crime scene?

Jim: Yeah.

Will: We’d better get Reggie back here for questioning. I’ll handle it this time.

(Lights down and up on Will and Reggie in questioning room.)

Reggie: Mind if I smoke mon?(pulls out a huge joint)

Will: Yes, I do. (Rips up joint and throws it away.)

Reggie(upset): Ahhh, now I can’t relax.

Will: I don’t want you relaxed. I want to know about the voodoo cult.

(Reggie’s getting nervous. Will goes and pours a glass of water.)

Will: Do you—

Reggie: Do I want to tell you about the cult mon? I’ll tell. But I’m riskin my life doin it. They’s some strong juju mon. The leader is amazing. He’s got the power.

Will: No, Do you---

Reggie: Do I want to tell you his name?(pause) All right. It’s Professor Swan. He’s de head of zoology over at the state college.

Will: No, Do you---

Reggie: Do I think he killed that mon. I don’t know. I’m so scared(weeps in hands)

Will: No. Do you want a drink of water?

Reggie: Ohhh. (happy) Yes, please.

(Jane enters)

Jane: Will, only one emperor penguin ever came into the country. It went to—

Will: Professor Swan.

Jane: How—Will, You’re amazing.

Will(Jamaican style): No, I’m Amaaazin’.

(All three laugh): Ha Ha Ha

Will: It’s time to pay a visit to Professor Swan—Ouch!(Grabs neck)

(lights down and up on Professor at voodoo altar)
(He pulls pin from doll)

Prof(maniacal): Go ahead. Come and visit. There’s more where this came from.

(lights down and up at Prof’s with Will and Jane there)

Will(accusing): So, Professor. We meet again.

Prof(shocked): Do I know you?

Will(happy): I took your Zoology class at the college.

Prof: Ah. So to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?

Will: Can the puzzled look Professor. We just tested the beak of your penguin and the traces of blood on it match that of the victim.

Prof: So?

Will: And we did some more testing at the crime scene and found traces of plastic that matches your drivers license.

Prof: So?

Jane: And we found traces of metal that match your car keys.

Prof: So?

Jane: And traces of Mcdonalds apple pie grease.

Prof(whistful): I love those little pies. So, you think you’ve got me eh? Well how about this?

(sticks needle in Will’s doll)

(stage goes dark except for the spot directly over Will-spots now appear only over the speaking person)

Will(monotone zombie-arms out): I will destroy all the evidence.

Prof(maniacal): Eeeeeha ha ha.

(He pulls the pin from Will doll and sticks it in Jane's.

Jane(monotone zombie-arms out): I’ll forget everything I know about the Professor.

Prof(maniacal): Eeeeeha ha ha.(needle out and in Will's.)

Will(zombie): The professor is our friend. We love the professor.

Prof(maniacal): Eeeeeha ha ha.(needle in Jane's)

Jane(aroused): Spank me, I’ve been a bad girl.

Prof(puzzled-looks at doll): Huh?

Will(with Jane over knee, posed for spanking) (maniacal): Eeeeeha ha ha

Prof(shouts): Enough!(shoves a needle in both dolls)

Lights down and up on Reggae Reggie

Reggie: Sooo, Da CSI team forgot aaal about the Professor. Dey arrested the fellow at the McDonalds that makes the Chicken McNuggets. Serves him right. (pause) or maybe it was all just a hallucination. Mind if I smoke?(pulls out huge joint)


Lights down
]]> https://vorg.ca/382-Yet-another-one larrylorre Skit 2003-10-13T01:08:55+00:00 https://vorg.ca/382-Yet-another-one#replies https://vorg.ca/377-another-sketch Below deck on a Roman ship

4 Slaves are on oars-two pairs front and back.
Behind is a drummer keeping rowing beat.

The 4 are rowing in silence for a while.

Slave 1: Anybody hear the final score on that Christians versus lions game?

(his oar partner-Slave 2 glares over at Slave 1 then foreward)

(silence for a bit)

Slave 1: The Christians never do very well. But I always cheer for them!

(Slave 2 looks over again-mean)

(silence again for a bit)

Slave 1: Oh Boy! Are we having gruel again for dinner? Yummmm!

(Slave 2 drops the oar and starts choking Slave 1)
(The guard comes over and starts whipping both of them-Slave 2 lets go)

Guard: What’s going on here?

Slave 2: He was choking. I was trying to help!

Guard: Well he seems all right now. Back to work!

(They row in silence)

Slave 1: It seems like the guards whip isn’t as painful as it used to be.(pause) Maybe the leather’s softening up, huh? Heh, heh.

(Slave 2 looks over—mad)

(silence)

Slave 1 (starts chant): Here we go Caesar, Here we go!
Here we go Caesar, here we go!

(Slave 2 attacks again, punching him)
(Guard runs over and starts whipping-Slave 2 backs off)

Guard: What’s going on here?

Slave 2: He had a rat on his head. I was trying to kill it!

Guard: Back to work!

(Silence)

Slave 1: Thanks for trying to kill that rat—

Slave 2: Listen buddy, there wasn’t any rat! I was trying to beat your face in! You’re always happy. Always happy! We’re god damn slaves. Our life sucks!

Slave 1: I don’t think it’s so bad. My momma said to always look to the sunny side of life.

(Slave 3 leans foreward putting his head between them)

Slave 3: That’s a nice way of thinking.

Slave 1(smiles, glancing back): Um hmmmm.

Slave 2: The sunny side of life. From the hold of a ship?

(Slave 3 leans foreward again)

Slave 3: He’s got a point.

Slave 1: No, It’s more in how you look at things. Seeing the bright side. Y’know?

Slave 2: So what’s the bright side?

Slave 1: We’re here together rowing. Think of the cardiovascular benefits!

Slave 3(leaning): That’s true!

Slave 1: Or you could be a leper.

Slave 4(leaning foreward): Ooooo. Lepers. Yuck!

Slave 3(leans): Did you hear about the tough guy leper who kept saying, “You want a piece of me?”

(they all laugh)

Slave 1: That’s the spirit! Don’t you feel better already?

Slave 3 and 4: Yeah!

(they all look a slave 2)

Slave 2: I guess so.

Drum guy(yelling): Ramming speed! (starts beating drum faster)

Slave 1: Here we go Caesar, Here we go!

(the others join in, slave 2 reluctantly)

All
Here we go Caesar, here we go!
Here we go Caesar, here we go!

Fade out
]]> https://vorg.ca/377-another-sketch larrylorre Skit 2003-10-10T19:13:05+00:00 https://vorg.ca/377-another-sketch#replies https://vorg.ca/363-a-SKETCH Two guys are sitting in a sandwich shop.

Tim: What’d you get?

Andy: Salami and ham. How about you?

Tim: Turkey and cheese. With a Coke.

Andy: Is that all you ever drink, Coke?

Tim: It’s nature’s perfect food.

Andy: What!? If you call a factory nature!

Tim: One of God’s creations!

(He opens can)(The can was shook up and sprays around. Tim covers it with his hands.)

Andy: Jesus! What a mess! Does a half full can of Coke cost half price?

Tim: Very funny. Grab me some napkins.

(Andy pulls out some napkins from the dispenser and hands to Tim)

(Tim wipes off hands)(paper starts sticking to his hands)

Tim: It’s still a great product. I love my Coke! (shreds of paper are all over his hands)

Tim: Damn! My hands are all sticky!

Andy (tries to pull off the paper): It’s like it’s stuck permanently!

Tim: This is cool!

(as these lines are read Tim is rising and presents his hands, full of shredded paper, in the air)

V.O.: From these humble beginnings was born the world’s newest crimefighter,
Sticky Fingers Man!

(Lights down and up on a bank, there’s a crook at the teller window, Tim is walking in carrying a can of Coke)

Crook (to teller): This is a stickup! Give me all your money!

Tim: This is a job for Sticky Fingers Man! (he shakes the can and sprays it all over his hands)

Crook (to teller): C’mon! Hurry up!

(Tim walks over near crook, who notices and turns to face Tim)

Tim: Wow! I don’t meet bank robbers very often. Can I shake your gun hand?

Crook: What! Are you nuts?

Tim(frustrated)(facing audience): Damn!

(Lights down and up on Tim walking and we see a flame effect, as he looks up in horror)

Tim: Oh my god! A burning building! (points) And there’s a baby!

(he shakes up can of Coke and sprays)

Tim (calling up): Jump flaming baby! Jump into my super sticky hands! I won’t drop you!

(a fireman walks over)

Fireman: Hey buddy. We’re doing fire drills here. It’s unsafe. Please move away.


Tim (protesting): But, Flaming Baby!


Fireman (points up-indicating): It’s just a doll.

Tim (faces audience): Damn!

(Lights down and up on an elderly lady with a walker. She drops a dollar and stops)

Lady (calling): Please! Someone help me! I’ve dropped my dollar!

Tim (he’s nearby and notices): Finally! Someone I can help!

(shakes and sprays hands and moves over to her)

Tim: I'll help you lady

(he picks up the dollar and hands it to her. She tries to take it but it’s stuck to his hand)

Lady (angry): Give me my dollar!

Tim: I’m trying to! It’s stuck!

Lady: Give me—You’ve stolen my dollar! Help! Police!

(Tim looks around quickly and runs off, with woman shaking her fist)

(Lights down)

V.O: From these humble beginnings was born the world’s newest arch criminal,
Sticky Fingers Man!

(pause)

V.O. (cont)
This sketch is sponsored by Coca Cola. Any resemblance to real Coca Cola is expressly implied. Coke is yummy. Coca Cola cannot be consumed without prior purchase. Try our yummy new Vanilla Coke! Coke is naturally good. Artificial flavor added.

]]> https://vorg.ca/363-a-SKETCH larrylorre Skit 2003-10-04T23:55:15+00:00 https://vorg.ca/363-a-SKETCH#replies