18th of March 2004.

An open letter to the purple of the World,

In Bonn today the first international meeting for the enforcement of world peace was severely disrupted. More than 14,000 campaigners from all over the world turned out in baby costumes to receive a spanking in the streets of the city in a festival that was intended to illustrate the absurdity of war.
During the festivities several million tons of fresh cream flooded the streets of Bonn forcing several thousand adult-sized babies and hundreds of specially employed stern-looking spank nannies down some sort of giant plughole.
Eye witness Lucille Ball said "It's pretty incredible that somethinglike this could happen. I can't remember seeing anything like this before". When asked who she thought might be responsible for this atrocity this rather odd woman responded "Uh, I don't know. It's either someone who is much opposed to world peace or some sort of horrendous pervert who thinks this event to be slightly erotic. As opposed to myself who feels this to be incredibly erotic. Whoever it was, one assumes it was a man with access to a lot of fresh cream. Perhaps someone who is trapped in the body of a 510 foot cow with collosal udders. I have no idea who that might be. I am a bit of a scatter brain but still I think I would probably remember meeting someone like that".
This story was not reported by the World's Press in any way shape or form. Why is our news being so censored? Write to your local newspaper and state this story as an example of the truth that is being hidden from us everyday, demand an explanation - ensure our plea for sanity is heard.

Yours in etenal respect fo the sanity of human life,

The Purple for the Enforcement of World Peace.

-We will not stop short of a military solution for war-]]> https://vorg.ca/838-Please-read---this-issue-is-important. nimrodshair Skit 2004-06-01T19:37:22+00:00 https://vorg.ca/838-Please-read---this-issue-is-important.#replies https://vorg.ca/734-The-Chicken-that-knew-the-future. A CHICKEN BATTERY FARM. ALONG ONE WALL IS HUNDREDS OF CHICKENS WHO ARE BOCKING AWAY. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM IS A BATTERED TABLE COVERED IN STRAW AND EGGS. BEHIND THE TABLE IS SUE AND MIKE WHO ARE IN A LOVERS EMBRACE. THERE IS A BATTERED DOOR ON THE RIGHT.

SUE: Oh Mike, why don’t you take me away from this chicken feed existence.

MIKE: Sue, you know that I am married to my science. And if you truly loved me you would know that. (PICKS UP EGG FROM TABLE AND HOLDS IT UP, IT IS PART FILLED WITH A GREEN BUBBLING SUBSTANCE AND SMOKE POURS OUT THE TOP) I am on the verge of my greatest discovery in chickens.

SUE: But no-one ever found anything in chickens.

MIKE: My grandfather found his lucky stomach in a chicken. That’s what made me be a chicken farmer, even when I was a child I found chickens incredibly, uh... erotic.

SUE: But don’t you understand. This obsession with chickens, it’s destroying you, I mean destroying us.

MIKE: That is, my dear, is what happens to us geniuses. In the end we are destroyed by that which drives us. Yes, all geniuses are consumed by their own chicken!

ENTER DAVE THROUGH DOOR ON RIGHT. HE IS WEARING A BLACK CLOAK, A MOUSTACHE AND SILLY LITTLE GLASSES. HE HAS A CHICKEN UNDER HIS ARM.

SUE: Oh my god, Mike it is your arch-enemy. Like Batman had his Joker, and Sherlock Holmes had his Moriarty, every Mike has his... (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Dave!

DAVE: (LAUGHS EVILLY) Yes Mike. It is I Dave. And I have been having an interesting conversation with this chicken. He tells me, Mike, that you must change your name from Mike to Cassandra!

MIKE: Ha, you don’t fool me Dave. Chickens can’t talk.

CHICKEN: Boc-boc-boc-bocah-boc.

DAVE: What’s that chicken. If Mike does not change his name to Cassandra he will be damned to Hades for all eternity, or at least until Tuesday!

MIKE: (PULLS FACE LIKE A TANGERINE INVERTED) You don’t fool me, Dave. Be gone from my sight.

DAVE: Curse you, Mike. You may think that you have defeated me this time, but I will return and destroy you. (MANIC LAUGH, EXITS)

MIKE: It is a good job I am an expert on chickens and know that they cannot talk otherwise Dave could have fooled me there.

SUE: He had me convinced.

MIKE: Yes. Well he just had me (IT IS IMPORTANT ACTOR SAYS NEXT WORD RIGHT OR TERRIFIC GAG IS LOST) eggs-aspirated.

SUE: Oh you (SAME DIRECTION AS IN MIKE’S SPEECH)yolk-er, Mike.

SUE AND MIKE BOTH LAUGH. FADE TO BLACK.

CAPTION: “THE FOLLOWING TUESDAY”.

FADE UP FROM BLACK. BACK IN SAME CHICKEN FARM BUT THIS TIME SUE STANDS ALONE LOOKING FORLORN.

SUE: Oh where oh where is Mike. Oh, where can he be. (BEGINS TO CRY)

THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND MIKE COLLAPSES ONTO THE TABLE LOOKING DISHEVELLED.

MIKE: Oh, the horror, the horror.

SUE: Where have you been?

MIKE: Oh damned. Damned to Hades until today.

SUE: Like what that chicken...

MIKE: Yes, like the chicken said.

SUE: Oh, Mike.

MIKE: No, don’t call me Mike. Please call me Cassandra.

SUE: Cassandra!

MIKE: Yes Sue, for there is wisdom in them there chickens!

CLOSE UP ON BATTERY CHICKENS ON BACK WALL. FADE IN CREEPY MUSIC. FADE TO BLACK
CAPTION: “THE END?”
MUSIC FADES OUT.
]]> https://vorg.ca/734-The-Chicken-that-knew-the-future. nimrodshair Skit 2004-03-31T18:50:52+00:00 https://vorg.ca/734-The-Chicken-that-knew-the-future.#replies https://vorg.ca/728-The-Cheeseborough-Family. THE LIVING ROOM OF THE CHEESEBOROUGH FAMILY. MRS CHEESEBOROUGH IS DUSTING AND FUSSING AROUND THE FURNITURE. THERE IS A SOFA AND TWO CHAIRS. A COFFEE TABLE. BEHIND THE SOFA IS A BOOKCASE AND A MANTELPIECE. THERE IS A FRONT DOOR ON THE LEFT. MR CHEESEBOROUGH LIES ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF THE TABLE WITH A HUGE AXE IN HIS CHEST.

MR CHEESEBOROUGH: Ow ouch ouch ow ow. This is really quite painful.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Yes, I do suppose it would be. But you’ve only got yourself to blame.

MR CHEESEBOROUGH: Ahhrgghhh, I think I’m dieing.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Well, I know I’m dusting but you don’t hear me going on about it.

MR CHEESEBOROUGH: Urgh, I am now dead.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Oh no, not in the living room, Monty. Good grief, polite people die in bed. Never the gentleman, tsk tsk.

MYDAUGHTER CHEESEBOROUGH ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

MYDAUGHTER: Hello Mother Cheeseborough. I have come home from outside. You know it is very cold out in Antarctica. But it’s a good job it’s lovely and warm here. Otherwise I would not have come.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Hello there Mydaughter, I’m afraid I appear to have murdered your father.

MYDAUGHTER: Oh well, never mind. I can always buy a new one.

MYDAUGHTER STEPS FORWARD AND SEES MR CHEESEBOROUGH ON THE FLOOR.

MYDAUGHTER: Eeekk. Where’s the television gone?

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Oh. I’ve hidden it. That’s why I murdered your father.

MYDAUGHTER: Oh right. That. In that case everything is fine. Except perhaps that whole Israel Palestine thing.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Oh, I’m so glad it’s not raining, at least not indoors. Yes, horribly rainy outside but fortunately not indoors.

MYDAUGHTER: Mother, have you gone completely mad?

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: No dear, why do you ask? Is it for a school project?

MYDAUGHTER: No, it’s just I can’t help but notice that that top really doesn’t match with that dress. Such a mistake must surely show insanity in one who reads all the right fashion magazines.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Come now dear. Razzle and Playboy are not fashion magazines.

MYDAUGHTER: No, but it would make London fashion week much more horny if they were.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Horny? Horny!? I should think the last thing London fashion week needs is tusks!

MYDAUGHTER: I don’t know, I think tusks could be really big.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Oh they can. They can. I saw this programme and out in Africa some men have tusks 14 foot long. Or was it elephants?

MYDAUGHTER: Men don’t have elephants.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Oh, men will have anything they want when they’re desperate.

MR CHEESEBOROUGH: (SITTING UP) Ahh, I feel much better now. You know there’s nothing like a quick death. You know I feel like an elephant.

MYDAUGHTER: You don’t look like one.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Yes, let’s all go buy an elephant.

ALL HOLD HANDS AND EXIT THROUGH FRONT DOOR.

ENDS
]]> https://vorg.ca/728-The-Cheeseborough-Family. nimrodshair Skit 2004-03-29T20:52:36+00:00 https://vorg.ca/728-The-Cheeseborough-Family.#replies https://vorg.ca/727-The-Cheeseborough-Family. Duh.]]> https://vorg.ca/727-The-Cheeseborough-Family. nimrodshair Skit 2004-03-29T19:41:47+00:00 https://vorg.ca/727-The-Cheeseborough-Family.#replies