nose blog @ Vorg nose blog @ Vorg http://vorg.ca/~nose All items Copyright 2001-2004 by their respective authors en-us Im back, and you all thought the worst was over... https://vorg.ca/1016-Im-back-and-you-all-thought-the-worst-was-over... https://vorg.ca/1016-Im-back-and-you-all-thought-the-worst-was-over... nose Weblog 2004-09-13T18:43:55+00:00 https://vorg.ca/1016-Im-back-and-you-all-thought-the-worst-was-over...#replies 30 Second Meals https://vorg.ca/595-30-Second-Meals KATHY: Hi, and welcome back. Well, we're making some one of my favorites today on 30 minute-
PRODUCER: Kathy- the producers just e-mailed me. It's 30 seconds now.
KATHY: What?
PRODUCER: Hurry up! You could be fired!
KATHY RUNS AROUND SCREAMING, THROWNING PANS AND POTS AROUND.
KATHY: CATTELSTRONI! Where's the FREAKING CATTELSTRONI!?!
KATHRY THROWS A GLASS AT THE WALL AND GETS OUT A POT. SHE POURS RANDOM FOODS INTO IT, LIKE SPHAGHETTI AND MILK, EVEN SOME CUPCAKES AND CARROTS.
KATHY: There!
RUNS AT HER CHILD AND THROWS IT IN FRONT OF HIM.
KATHY: EAT IT! For the love of God eat it!
KID STARTS EATING IT.
KATHY: It's good isn't it? ISN'T IT!
KID STARTS CRYING.
PRODUCER: Kathy? It was a misprint. Umm... sorry about that.
KITCHEN IS DESTROYED, POTS ARE STREWN EVERYWHERE, OVEN IS ON FIRE. KATHY IS BLEEDING.
KATHY STARTS CRYING.]]> https://vorg.ca/595-30-Second-Meals nose Skit 2004-01-31T12:38:28+00:00 https://vorg.ca/595-30-Second-Meals#replies THE DOG WALKER https://vorg.ca/512-THE-DOG-WALKER THE DOG WALKER
SPOOF OF "THE SCIENTIST" BY COLDPLAY
NEW WORDS BY BIGNOSE
VERSE 1: COME UP TO SEE YA, TELL YA THE TRUTH, HAVEN'T BEEN HONEST 'BOUT MY JOB.
I WALK PUPPIES, FROM ALL OVER THE CITY, I OFTEN TAKE THEM TO A PARK.
THIS NEXT PART WILL BE HARD, FOR YOU TO ACCEPT. I ALSO PICK UP THEIR DOODOO.
RUNNING IN CIRCLES. WAGGING THEIR TAILS. THEN THEY STOP TO RELIEVE THEMSELVES

CHORUS: OH MAN, I GOT SOME ON ME! THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE BAD SMELL.
THIS IS MY SCOOPER NAMED STEVEY, THIS IS MY BAG NAMED MICHELLE.
BOUGHT THEM BOTH AT WAL-MART.

VERSE 2: WHEN I WAS A KID, WAY BACK WHEN, I WANTED TO BE A VET.
LOOK AT ME NOW, COVERED IN DOG POOP. NEVER WOULD A MADE IT, I BET.
TELL ME YOU LOVE ME, COME BACK TO HAUNT ME, OH WHAT A RUSH TO THE START.
RUNNING IN CIRCLES, CHASING THEIR TAILS. THEN THEY STOP TO RELIEVE THEMSELVES.

CHORUS: NOBODY SAID IT WAS EASY! IT WOULD BE SUCH A SHAME FOR US TO PART.
THE TEXTURE IS REALLY QUITE WIERD. NO ONE EVER SAID IT WOULD BE SO HARD!
I THINK I'M GONNA BARF.

VERSE 3: OH OOOOH, OOOOOH! AH OOOOOOH, OOOOOH! OH OOOOOH, OOOH! OH OOOOOOH!

]]> https://vorg.ca/512-THE-DOG-WALKER nose music 2003-12-30T23:49:47+00:00 https://vorg.ca/512-THE-DOG-WALKER#replies Meet Slappy https://vorg.ca/508-Meet-Slappy JESSIE: And, we're back, Slappy and Sallista have arrived in Chez Gondeau, the fancy restaraunt downtown. We bring you there live.
SLAPPY: I Vreally like you're teeth. They're very shiny, ja?
SALLISTA: Umm, yes...
SLAPPY: My teeth are shiny beacuse they're made of plastic, ja ja? Haugh! Ha Haugh!
SALLISTA: Ok... waiter. Waiter?
WAITER: We, madame?
SALLISTA: Yes, I think we're ready to order.
SLAPPY: Yes, ve are vready to order, Ha! Haugh!
WAITER: Yes, for the madame?
SALLISTA: I'll have the red roasted duck with a side of apple sauce, please.
SLAPPY: Zat's alotta food for one lady. Zomeone is gonna hava big tushy when ve are done eating!
SALLISTA: Well I never-
SLAPPY: Used a thighmaster? Went on a diet? Eaten a meal with less then a metric ton of food involved?
SALLISTA: What are you having then?
SLAPPY: The Zpagetti noodles, yes.
WAITER: Right way, sir, And to drink?
SLAPPY:No, my stinky french friend.
SALLISTA: Maybe some wine?
WAITER: Yes, Fatame- I mean, Madame.
SALLISTA: That's it! I'm leaving!!!
SLAPPY: Good luck with all that! Or should I say, all zat fat! Ha! Haugh Haugh HA! But now I am alone. Why can't I find somebody to love.
UNSEEN SPEAKER: Excuse me, but are you from Sveden?
SLAPPY TURNS AROUND SEEING A FEMALE VERSION OF HIM.
SLAPPY: Vy, yes.
SMACKY: My name is Smacky. May I join you?
SLAPPY: Haugh! Haugh, ha! (Blushing) But of course.]]> https://vorg.ca/508-Meet-Slappy nose Skit 2003-12-30T13:17:41+00:00 https://vorg.ca/508-Meet-Slappy#replies Saddam Show https://vorg.ca/507-Saddam-Show GEORGE BUSH: Saddam Hussein, you're an evil man, I hate you. What do you have to say for yourself?
SADDAM: It's OK, I had Subway for lunch!
GEORGE BUSH: Oh, then that's a different story. You simply must have a prime time TV show.
CUT TO THE SADDAM SHOW SET.
SADDAM: Hello, everybody! I'm Saddam Hussein, I've got my own show now.
AUDIENCE: Booooooo!
SADDAM: But we have some great guests. Martha Stuart and Rosie O' Donnel!
AUDIENCE: Booooooooooooooooooooo!
SADDAM: Ok. Let's bring them out here!
BAND PLAYS, AND MARTHA AND ROSIE APPEAR.
SADDAM: Hey! So how've you two been doing?
ROSIE: Oh, y'know. Not much. Just been singing a happy song, sing a happy song, ding ding ding goes the trolley!
SADDAM: If you don't shut up I swear to Allah I will nuke you!
MARTHA: When making a nike, I prefer the millitary grade plutonium, as opposed to the kind you can buy at the local black market. Both of you shut up!
SADDAM BANGS HIS FIST, PRESSING A BUTTON, SETTING OFF THE NUKE.
THE END.]]> https://vorg.ca/507-Saddam-Show nose Skit 2003-12-29T22:02:46+00:00 https://vorg.ca/507-Saddam-Show#replies My Show's most popular character... https://vorg.ca/506-My-Shows-most-popular-character... HOST: Hello, I'm Jessie Kan, and you're watching the Lovely Lovers show!
AUDIENCE APPLAUDES
HOST: Well let's meet our blind-date victim for today, Sallista Tano, everybody!
SALLISTA APPEARS FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN.
SALLISTA: I'm so excited to be here, Jessie!
JESSIE: I'd be excited if I didn't hate my life so much!
SALLISTA: What?
JESSIE: I said I'm excited that you've been a wife so... much... anyway, let's get the three contestants out here.
THE THREE CONTESTANTS APPEAR, TWO ARE PERFECT, AND THEN THERE'S SLAPPY.
JESSIE: Wow! One is a ridiculously rich oil baron from Euroupe. One is a poet from Maine, and one is a small, 19 year-old boy from Sweden. It's up to you to put the faces to the personalities! I think I'll drink some pesticides.
SALLISTA: What?
JESSIE: I said let's go down...the...slippy slide.
SALLISTA: Ok... I'm gonna say the man in the suit is the oil baron, the man in the sweater is the 19 year old boy, and the red head is the poet from Maine! And I wanna go out with the person who I think is the poet from Maine!
JESSIE: Whoa, whoa. Little off there. The man in the sweater is the poet from Maine, I'm afraid you just set yourself up with a small 19 year old boy from Sweden.
SALLISTA: What?!
SLAPPY: Come to Papa!
SALLISTA: Ewww!
JESSIE: Well, we'll check in with them later, I'm Jessie Kan, and I wish I was never born!]]> https://vorg.ca/506-My-Shows-most-popular-character... nose Skit 2003-12-29T21:43:14+00:00 https://vorg.ca/506-My-Shows-most-popular-character...#replies Our Live Show https://vorg.ca/502-Our-Live-Show


www.angelfire.com/pe2/puz/skits.htm
-Nose]]> https://vorg.ca/502-Our-Live-Show nose Weblog 2003-12-28T12:20:03+00:00 https://vorg.ca/502-Our-Live-Show#replies Crocodile Hunter https://vorg.ca/448-Crocodile-Hunter Crocodile Hunter is in a pool of snakes.

CROCODILE HUNTER: Crikey! I'm here in southern eastern northern Africa, where nature has created a plexiglass pit of snakes from India! I'm here, in the pit, surrounded by the snakes.

(Snakes are clearly fake.)

CROCODILE HUNTER: Crikey! I think one of them tried to bite me!
DIRECTOR: And, cut! That was great, Steve. You worked wonders.
CROCODILE HUNTER: You don't think people will notice that the snakes are made of rubber?
DIRECTOR: No way, Steve. Ok, let's move to the plexiglass pit with real snakes.
Crew moves to other pit.
DIRECTOR: Ok, push the stuntman in!
STUNTMAN: No, please, AHH!
DIRECTOR: Rolling! And, action!
STUNTMAN: (screaming terribly)
NARRATOR: Steve would have died if the Wakkiollilli tribe hadn't shown up, and pulled him out of the pit with a spear.

Tribesman pull stuntman out of pit and carry him to the bottom, where he is laid out on a board.

NARRATOR: The tribesman heal Steve's venemous wounds by searing his flesh with a millitary-grade flamethrower.
STUNTMAN: Thanks for pulling me out- AHH! HOW IT BURNS!
NARRATOR:They then cool him off with a 30-pround brick of dry-ice.
STUNTMAN: Please don't burn me again. What's that? Why is it smoking? I- AHH! AHH! AHHHHHH!
NARRATOR: It looks like Steve is in immense pain, but his bloodcurling scream is actually a sign of gratitude to the Wakiollilli. Fortunately, Steve has survived.
DIRECTOR: And, cut! That was great Bill!

Bill the stuntman is cut up from the snakes and his flesh is browned by the flamethrower.

DIRECTOR: That was fantastic! Don't you think so, Bill? Move a pinky if you think so.

Bill tries to move one, it falls off.

DIRECTOR: Well, back to Steve.

The crew moves back to Steve. He puts a band-aid on his forehead to make it look like he was hurt.

DIRECTOR: Rolling, and action!

CROCODILE HUNTER: Crikey! I am amazed I was able to survive that! But I am the Crocodile Hunter, only I could survive something like that! But I didn't do it alone. It was with the help of the Wakka-Lolo- something, and the good people at Band-Aid. Look! It has Garfield on it! Isn't she a bute?]]> https://vorg.ca/448-Crocodile-Hunter nose Skit 2003-12-06T23:34:19+00:00 https://vorg.ca/448-Crocodile-Hunter#replies geeklove.com https://vorg.ca/445-geeklove.com Show boy sitting at computer, he is a wierd one with massive "geekstyle" glasses.
GEEK:Oh, man! No one on this site wants to go out with me!
Spokesman appears.
SPOKESMAN: Well that's because they're attractive, and you're not!
GEEK: Huh? Who are you?
SPOKESMAN: I'm Red Kinly, spokesperson for Blahtek, and boy do we have a product for you!
GEEK: What is it?
SPOKESMAN: Well, annoying dateless nerd, let me show you!
The Spokesman uses the computer.
GEEK:What kind of website is this?
SPOKESMAN: It's geeklove.com, son! Say, ypu're a geek, why don't you try it?
GEEK: OK!
Geek stars typing.
SPOKESMAN: Yes, geeklove.com is a place for you and other equally ugly mutants to hook up and go to the StarTrek convention together!
GEEK: Wow!
SPOKESMAN: Yes, you can hook up with the following types of people:
STARTREK OBSESSERS
CYBER CAFE' FREQUENTS
THE WRITERS OF "GAME INFORMER"
And many other types of Microsoft rejects! So if you're a hideous freak who makes being beaten with an uglystick looks like the beautiful person hospital, log on to geeklove.com!]]> https://vorg.ca/445-geeklove.com nose Skit 2003-12-03T22:40:06+00:00 https://vorg.ca/445-geeklove.com#replies Michael Jackson in Big Trouble https://vorg.ca/444-Michael-Jackson-in-Big-Trouble SHOW TITLE, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Cops stop next to a man walking down the street.

COP: Sir? Can I ask what you're doing, m'am?
JACKSON: I'm not a girl.
COP:Wha... what?
JACKSON: I'm not a girl! I'm Michael Jackson!
COP: Whoa! You're Michael Jackson? You escaped from jail yesterday, didn't ya, buddy?
JACKSON: Ya- no. No.

Jackson starts running, cops tackle him down.

COP: Hey! Hey! Don't try to run again, freak! Jack, get the metal detector!
JACK: Ok!

Jack gets the metal detector.

COP: Ok!

The metal detector beeps wildly when it reaches Michael's face.

MICHAEL: I can explain that.

Cop rips off Michael's nose, revealing a small handgun in his nose cavity.

COP: AhHA!]]> https://vorg.ca/444-Michael-Jackson-in-Big-Trouble nose Skit 2003-12-03T22:17:06+00:00 https://vorg.ca/444-Michael-Jackson-in-Big-Trouble#replies