The Job Interview

By Melissa Surach

Characters:

Andrej Krazynski: Nervous guy

Employer

Andrej into Employer’s office.

E: (Trying to read his name off paper) Hello Mr. K-Kr-…Krajewis…zy…mm..n. What is your name?

K: (nervously stuttering) A-A-Andrej K-K-Krazynski.

E: Nice to meet you.

K: H-H-H-Hello.

They shake hands. Employer is grossed out by K’s sweaty palms. He takes out a handkerchief and wipes his hands. K looks ashamed, and wipes his hands on his pants.

E: Have a seat, Mr Krackerjack.

K sits down.

I was just perusing your résumé. It’s quite long, (He lifts up a stack of papers and drops the pages, they flutter to the floor.) yet quite…considerable. (He looks K up and down.)

K: Thank you. I’m quite accomplished in my field.

E: And you are a…

K: A Numerical Analyst.

E: Well, you must think you’re smart, Mr. NutCracker.

K: Yes. Look, I know I should be discreet, but this is the job of my dreams. It’s the reason I left my family to come to this country, and the hope that I’ll one day get it keeps me alive. I’m highly qualified, and I would do a superior job. We don’t have many computers in Poland, but my experience speaks for itself—

E: Excuse me, but I believe you have a pubic hair on your vest.

K: (Looks at down at vest. Picks hair off.) Excuse me, how embarrassing. As I was saying, I can make fractals, and my wife is a combinatrix. I also have several doctorates pure applied practical abstract mathematical science engineering, and I’ve published in MST3K, and Science Dork Daily, among many many others.

E: That is quite impressive. Quite.

K: In my spare time, I sometimes download differential equations, then solve them myself while racing against the computer, output the data to a Japanese cubic spline, which I then analyze in my sleep.

E: Excuse me, Mr. Krackpot, but I believe you have another pubic hair caught on your vest.

K: Oh…I’m sorry, I should have washed my vest. (Looks but can’t find hair.)

E: It’s right there.

K: I don’t see it.

K eventually finds it.

I have a dog…As I was saying—

E: Another one! You have another pubic hair on your vest.

K: Well, I have several dogs. I think its dog hair.

E walks over, picks the hair and holds it up to the light. He examines it. He sniffs it and tastes it.

E: (Holding the hair very close to K’s face) No, I believe it’s a human pubic hair, most likely from a human who’s achieved puberty.

K doesn’t know what to say.

E: Thank you for coming, Mr. Kracklepuff. That will be all.

K wears a long face as he leaves. As he’s almost out the door, E calls out,

E: Oh, and by the way, Mr. Krazynski, congratulations. You got the job!

K: Really?

E: No.

Fin

6 comments

Some funny dialogue, and random is always good. The interviewee went from nervous-stutter to ok too quickly. i would have preferred the pubic hair to be an aside from the main joke--um, arch--not the joke itself.
	→ comment by Mariana (#35) on May 14, 2003, Rated it 2

It's a little better than your last one, but still not very funny.
	→ comment by brien (#76) on May 15, 2003, Rated it 2

I saw this skit being performed in rehearsal and it made me laugh more than once. It's amazing how a skit can come alive. Of course, Dustin was the boss. And Dustin makes a funny boss.
	→ comment by Nikki (#43) on May 20, 2003, Rated it 3

if only I was your boss...
	→ comment by dustin (#1) on May 26, 2003, Rated it 4

I think the pubic hair thing was funny the first time, but it just didn't make me laugh the others... and I also liked the "you got the job" "really?" "no." part.
	→ comment by anonymous on June 26, 2003, Rated it 3

The name thing has been done to death, the pubic hair thing has no pay off whatever and will make the sketch ultimately disappointing. Primarily, though, how the hell does the boss know, from five or more paces away, that a single hair is a pubic hair? It falls down there. Poland is not so much of a backwater now, either, by the way.
	→ comment by anonymous on July 14, 2003, Rated it 2