Animole
The school(Enter Skyler and three jocks)
Todd(Jock 1(Syler’s boyfriend))------------ So how’d you like that movie? (to Jock 3)
Skyler ----Oh did you go see that? (to Jock 3)
Jock 2----Yeah you said you were gonna go see it.(to Jock 3)
Jock3- Yeah I went to go see it Friday at the Cine-Plex.
Jock2---- So was it any good?(to Jock3)
Jock3 --- Ehhh. Not as good as the first.
Todd- Well they hyped it up so much.
Skyler- Yeah they really do that, don’t they?
Jock 2 --- Yeah
Jock3----Yeah they actually interrupted a show I was watching, Not even a minute into the show: “Important commercial broadcast” (mocking an announcers voice)
Todd-- I didn’t know they did that.
Jock 2—You never heard of that? - Yeah. It’s this new thing they’re doing on W O X.
Jock3 --- (nods in agreement)
(They’ve just about made it to their destination and they’re about to depart from one another.)
(another) class commutee- (In the backgound) Owww! You damn squirrel!
(--squirrel chirttering in background)
Todd- Hey well, I’ll see you all….
(Skyler’s leg was just approached by (an underground) a mole, got torn off at the knee or slightly lower. AND IS NOW BEING PULLED AWAY THROUGH THE MOLE’S HOLE!)
(IT LOOKS LIKE A LUMP MOVING UNDER THE GOUND’S SURFACE.)
Todd------ (IS SHOCKED)
Jock2 ---- (VERY SURPRISED)
Jock3 – (STUNNED)
Skyler-----(has yet to even let out a yelp. She tightly pushes her hands against her face and slowly pulls all the way down) --Ohh noooo.(In a… just dropped a pen in the mud sort of way)
-//(A croud then gathers)
Group--- “Gasp”
---//(Then they disperse)
(The Jocks give words as they also depart)
-Tough break.(unfeelingly)
-Yeah that’s too bad. (In a That does stink. Ya know. sorta way.)
-That’s not good.(sincere)
Todd- Well, I gotta get to class. Call ‘ya later OK?
Skyler- Alright
(In the class room, the teacher is pronouncing the names for the first time. Two jocks are in there, and some of the other guys that come into the story. The teacher gets to the names; First one, It is (Shereefa keffa maneefa steefa camba neefa teehhbeeoofa)
Teacher--Sheerfa…… can you help me pronunce the rest?
……….(She pronounces the name)
(Next the on the teacher’s list comes the Rusian name…..)
Teacher- I’ve never seen that letter before can you help me pronounce
(it sounds like the student is clearing his throught with all the
Splipfstqchsht ansclobanofstdonstofckgghs’s in his name)
(Then, the Spanish name …It’s almost a song, It’s bordering between lyric and speech, because it creates a rhythm when said)
Teacher- Now I’m sure we all have unfortunately heard about the girl who was attacked by a creature from under the ground this afternoon. Did any of you know her?
—(the guys who were there hide their eyes, and shake there heads while mumbling..)
Jocks--- I don’t know her.(They don’t want to be associated with her)
Teacher- Now until this is all settled the best thing for us to do is remain calm and go on with our lives as normally as possible. We have all been advised to walk only on concrete or paved surfaces from now on. It’s the only safe way to go.—And I know it’s gonna be hard for some of you who enjoy the occasional freestyle on the lawn, but you’ll just have to scale down those activities for a while, it’s the only safe way to go. Allright, now that that’s settled I want you all to open your books to page 27 in the Stead fast Reader.
(The one guy in the back who was rocking his head to the saying of the extended Spanish name, Thinks in his head,) “No girls in my dorm? I’ve never gone without pink tacos before in my life……I’m not gonna make it, maybe I can talk to my doctor and have him right me a note…..But how to get him to do it (puzzled look on his face, hand touching chin, you can tell he’s working something out in there)… “I’ll bribe him or threaten him.(low quick tone, to his thinking of the second solution)” ( The guy sneezes then coughs then collapses knocking into desks. He is now having a coughing fit.)
(The guys take him out of the class room- He’s is drug out into the hall or something.)
(Enter the three guys #1,#2,#3)
#1- So did you like any of that stuff that they had in the cafeteria today?
#2- Yeah I had the burger.
#3- I like to put bacon on my hand burger, (drops his keys)
#3- Hey guys wait up.
(starts to bend over to get his keys)
#2- Better be careful or you might just pull away some hand burger.
#1 and #2- (laugh)
(As he bends down girls in the background start howling. They come over, slapping him on the ass )
Girls- Ooh. (they are giggling)
(He bends back up.- As he does, the girls go back to their positions talking noise in the background, in a group.)
(The guys continue walking. One of them is getting into a story.)
#2- So any way, I’m coming back from the store and… MAN! I gotta shit……… as in right- away. So I just parked in the yellow zone and ran in. When I came out the security had given me a fine for $75 dollars.
#1- Damn.
#3- Them fines are killer.
#2- Yeah this is crap.
#1- Might as well get over it because there’s nothing you can do about it.
#2- Really? Wait here a minute guys.(walks inside the building)
(They are talking, as he comes back out with a projector)
#1- What are you gonna do with that?
#2- I’m gonna sell it to some dork.
(Some dork comes walking by)
#2- Hey you? Want to buy this projector?
Dork(Chris)- Can I use it to show the colors of the leaves?, I find the intricate patterns and the vivid colors of the greens and the way the blues..
#2- Yeah, Yeah, it does all that. I’ll sell it to ‘ya for fifty bucks…
Chris Well actually my grandma did just give me $50 dollars for my birthday.. I just turned…
#2- Look kid do want to buy the projector or what?
Chris Sure, I’ll buy it.
#2- (Snatches the money with his one hand, and hands the projector in a ‘not so concerned if you got it or not’ sort of way to the dork)
(the kid’s hands actually drop some as his body compensates for the load,)
(The group starts walking again,)
#3- Nice.
THE MEETING________________
(The head of the school is there and he’s this imposing figure. When he’s says “J ” they’re already in the air.
The topic – Solution.)
Head of School—Well what ideas have you come up with?
Jason- Well we have some spring-loaded devices, baited, and set out on the lawns that have already been in place for a week.
Head of School- How are they doing?
Jason- Haven’t caught any.
Head of School- The poisons?
Jason- They are all still there sir.
Molf (head of the ROTC at the school)- We need some land mines.
(they look at him and then all turn their eyes away)
Head of School- Any other suggestions?
Togle- Well there is this student… he’s developed this laser guided motion activated sys…
Head of School- What did you say? A student. There’s no way a student can develop any thing that could be considered marketable or useful. And certainly not anything to handle a massive problem.
Togle- (After this is now head down, slightly shrunken…..He says back)
But sir he’s already won the nobel peace prize like four times.(in a very quiet defeated voice)
Head of School- That’s enough of your nonsense. Now do any of you have any good ideas?
(Everyone sits there.. kinda heads down.. Some shaking them,)
Meeting Person 1 - (starts with)Well there was a plan…
(Head of school can hear the doubt in his voice)
Head of School- YOU(raised voice) know I was watching TV and they were doing a special on Japanese spear-fisherman in the Ming Dynasty,
Now that’s what we need, Kevin I want you to call up the Japanese consulate tomorrow and get the best spear-fisherman they have and send him over here.
Were gonna need him to train our maintenance men and make them into hunters.(he directed this comment at everyone)
Is that under stood Kevin?
Kevin- Yes.
Head of School- Good. Meeting adjourned.
(The next scene is inside the parent’s house, of a girl who goes to “The School”. There are two couples there. One is the couple who are the parents of a student at “The School.”)
Parent’s friend- So Mike got me a special evening with Boyz To Men after the dinner. They serenaded us in a gazebo in the park.
Mrs. Parent- Wow.
Parent’s friend- Yeah now that they’re not so hot you can get them to do things for you.
Mrs. Parent- That’s so great.
Yeah, you see Mike goes out of his way to find these neat and special things that are entertaining and at the same time show you how much he loves you.
Parent’s friend - (smiles)
Mrs. Parent- I wish John would do that kinda stuff for me.
Parent’s friend- Well maybe you should suggest something. Guys aren’t infinitely smart ya know.
Mrs. Parent- I did, I asked him to get me some of those show tunes gardeners.
Parent’s friend- Show tunes gardeners?
Mrs. Parent- Yeah. T hey do synchronized movements with their tools and sing together as they do their landscaping, they move to entertain and do tricks while they work.
Parent’s friend Ya know? I’ve never heard of that. Did you see this somewhere? Are sure that exists?
Mrs. Parent Oh, I know it does cause it’s…………... Someone has to have thought of it..
Parent’s friend- Alright if you say so, Well have you asked him?
Mrs. Parent- I shouldn’t have to. Did you have to ask Mike for the….?
Parent’s friend- No….
Mrs. Parent- Well I did ask him.
Parent’s Friend- What did he say?
(Switches to the guy’s conversation, as they step into the other room to get a soda.)
Mike- Man, me and Kristine had the best night the other night.
John- Don’t tell me you had another one of those finding rare entertainment things specialized into the night.
Mike- Yep, and afterwards.. Oh boy did she get wild. (Gloating.).
John- How do you keep doing that? You have to stop. Because when you do that, she tells Josephine(Mrs.Parent) and then she expects me to do these awesome things with her. I don’t know how to keep up,.
Mike- Oh come on John, (as they’re walking in the door)
(They can now be heard, by the women as they head into the room where the women are)
Mike- But it was really neat they sang these acapella combinations and we sat there and cuddled. It really set the mood. Didn’t it hunney ? (he’s now at her, arm around her)
Parent’s Friend- It sure did.
Mrs Parent- John how come you never do any thing nice like that for me?
John- Well what do want me to do?
Mrs Parent- I want the landscapers who do dance, dance numbers and show tunes while they work and all their work movements are synchronized.
John- What? You know, I’ve never heard of that I’m not sure it exists, Where did you hear of it?
Mrs Parent- I didn’t hear of it anywhere but it has to exist.
Mike- Oh come come now why don’t you two go with us out on the water tomorrow. It’ll be great.
Parent’s Friend- Yeah. You two should come.
Mrs Parent- No we told Kristine we would come up to see her at “The School” (fade out)
(John in his office, on the phone with a temp agency)
John- Can you have a temp come out to me today ?
(Next scene with time elapsed, temp has arrived)
John- (to temp) I want you to go to all the theatre companies in the vicinity and and ask them about dancing gardeners call all the gardening shops/landscaping places too.
John- (on the phone) No, No. Thanks.
(he ends a phone call.)
Voice – (on phone)- No. No one here has ever heard of it either. Sorry.
John- Alright. Sorry. Goodbye. (This is to signify the last call. He’s is now sitting there… shirt lossened some swet on him, his hair is messed.)
(The temp comes back)
Temp - (shrugs his shoulders, signifying he found nothing)
(Kevin {from the meeting with the head of the school}is calling the Japanese consulate)
{He calls and connects to something like their country wide 411 they have a vast array of information on services within the nation of Japan)
Kevin- Hello, I want to employ a spear fisherman for a job in America, (Just like 411 they have begun to direct him to what the computer says for the search )
Operator- (in Asian accent )The only spear fisherman on this list is the “Spear Fisherman Exhibitionist”. It says there are no spear fisherman still working. You want someone who actually hunts fish with a spear?
Kevin- Yes.
Operator- There are no spear fisherman left on the island. With the advent of modern sea fishing, spear fishing went out of existence. The only thing like that is a SPEAR FISHERMAN CULTURAL EXHIBITION. Do you want that?
Kevin- Yes.
Operator- The name of the place is 'Han’s Cultural Rememberances’ says here its only Han and he’s given work shops before.
Kevin- That’s great I need him to do some teaching while he’s here.
Operator- So do you still want the number?
Kevin- Yeah. Give it to me.{he gets it, hangs up, and dials again},
Hello Han, I have a job for ‘ya..(fade out).
DANCE SCENE
{Next scene ---the underground layer(it is a bunch of people in mole costumes doing a dance it is slightly like an evil ritual of some sort. There is a pile of legs with panty hose, boots, and tennis shoes on.)
BACK ON CAMPUS
(On the edge of the grass the next day)
Kevin- (to Han)And these are the men you will be training.(motioning toward a line of maintenance men)
Men, I’ve told you about this.(To Han) Go ahead.
Han- (making movements with the spear and his body) Ha Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Cjihssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Mnyraaaaaaaaaaaaaaa mbaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Han- Yu try. You try.(Han hands a spear to the maintenance man. Han grabs more spears and hands them out.)
(The Maintenance guys are making stabbing motions with the spears and letting out their best yells )
Kevin- {starts walking away} (thinking).. “With all this, I’m sure to get that position opening up. Boy! I’m really gonna be on his good side. I got it just right this time.”
(As he’s walking away though, the situation is quickly deteriorating. The guys are all doing spins and half baton twirls with the sticks/spears.)
(Then enter the couple from before{The parents} their daughter is walking with them. They are talking.)
{The mother stops. She is awe struck, Both she and her daughter smile as they look on at the display. The maintainece men are quick learners the teacher must be being payed a large sum. Then the mother’s facial expression changes. There happens to be gardeners planting flowers,
while all this spear stuff is happening.
Kevin- I’m going to make sure the campus environment is not in the least bit changed, to help keep the calm.
(To maintenance men) Put those new flowers in, to replace the old ones.
(The maintenance men are synchronized, spinning around to avoid the caution tape)
Mrs Parent- That’s so nice that you go to a school that goes to such lengths to make the campus a more inviting place to be. Too bad your father would never have anything done like this for me.
John- (grumbling)
Mrs Parent- Well darling we have to get going. Good luck on your test this week.
Daughter- Your not going to stay to see my room?
Parent- No. Me and your father have to get home in time to catch the start of Lifetime’s ‘Teargerker Marathon’ on tonight.
John- Man! (like someone just pulled the plug on the Nintendo and told you to get started on your homework)
Daughter- Alright. Bye. (she stays looking on)
[Some jock goes to see his teacher about a remake he missed. He is sitting in an empty classroom with his teacher.]
Teacher- (to Jock)Well, when you were late the second time, I grew impatient after sitting in a class room for 30 minutes. Waiting for a student to watch something after class, that he already missed. So, I went to grab a soda and when I returned, the projector was gone.
JockA- Can’t we grab another?
Teacher- The slides were on the projector and I don t have a copy
JockA- Well, I thought you said the exam over the material covered that day is going to be 50% of our grade.
Teacher- It is.
JockA- Can’t you give me a different test?
Teacher- If I made the exception for you then I’d have to make the exception for everyone. And then the entire space-time continuum would fall into a state of chaos. Thus destroying all life on earth and therefore you wouldn’t even be able to take it next semester.
JockA- (he’s thinking)"If I find out who stole’d that projector, I’ll bash ‘em."
(JockA goes back to his dorm.)
Roomate- So how’d the exam go?
JockA- I flunked the *&^% out of it
Roomate- Yeah? Well we got a couple of days ‘till we have to move out how ‘bout you clean the shower.
JockA- Sure, ……..I don’t have a rag.
Roomate- Ask our suite-mate, I think he’s got one.
JockA- (knocking)
Suitemate- Come in.
(The Jock does and the dork has a leaf projected on the wall, JockA sees the projector with ‘The School’ on it. JockA beats up the dork)
(Hospital Scene: There is dialog between the dork that's all beat up and the girl with a leg gone. He likes her a lot., And it’s rumored she actually talks to humans now.)
Girl- (Sobbing)
Dork- (Chris) Are you alright?
Girl- Ummm I …… (Sobbing Again)
Dork- Hey. Can I talk to you a second?
Girl- Uhh Sure.
Dork- Mind if I pull this back?
Girl- Yeah, go ahead
Dork- (Pulls back a curtain separating them he recognizes her as the girl that got…..)
Dork- Hi, I’m Chris.
Girl- I’m Skyler, What happened to you? (Sobbing decreases)
Dork- My suite mate found me doing some science in my room and procedded to bash me to a pulp.
Girl- Who’s that?
Dork- Jeff Lokostock. You know him?
Girl- I think he’s friends with my boyfriend.
Dork- Who’s your boyfriend?
Girl- I should say ex-boyfriend now. His name is Todd Schmidderhoff. You know who he is?
Dork- (Remebers a moment when Todd took the cap off of the dork’s head wiped his ass on it and then put it back on the dork’s head ., All-the-time laughing with his buddies, who stood there and watched.) Yeah I know him.
Girl- 'Used to tell me the sweetest things, He used to tell me how much he cared about me every day and now he won’t even talk to me..(sobbing). Ever since that day he left me there alone, I could tell that something was gone from me that I’d never get back. It just feels like like part of me is missing…..like I’ll never be whole again.
Dork- (Nods and has a look on his face of deep contemplation of what it would feel like to be without someone at a time when you really needed someone to lean on){he feels a lot of compassion toward her}
Girl- Sometimes I just think that the world is against me and everyone for that matter, that Nature hates us and is out to get us. Like it wants to destroy us.
Dork- Really? I know. I always seem to romanticize man’s relationship with nature, but I really think nature is there to help us. You know even the inner structures of the things in nature help lead us to a state of progress. We look to them at times when we want to know how to make things work. I think nature helps us whenever possible.
Girl- I guess I never thought of it that way.(sniffling)
Dork- Yeah, everything will be OK. Maybe I can help make you a prothesis, I am a robotics major.
Girl- You’d really do that?
Chris- Yeah if you let me, It’d be a pleasure.
Girl- You’re very sweet,Christopher. (Fade Out)
(Next day on campus{the word is out: Skyler Larints talks to humans now. And oh boy is she swamped in them} She sits on the porch of her dorm as guys show off there cell phones.)
Guy1- Mine voice activates.
Guy2- Mine has three-way option.
Guy3- Mine has a 32 bit videogame system and stereo quality sound.
(We have a winner. Skyler reaches up from her seat and grabs the guy’s shirt pulling him onto the step next to her)
Dork(Chris)- {is watching as all of this unfold, he goes unnoticed}
..
(The guy who is the genius is talking to the dork in his room)
Student genius What are you doing?
Chris- I’m gonna build a prostheic leg for her.
Student Genius- I read a book about how the Disney animatronics work may be I can help you.
(Flash forward the scene halfway into their conversation)
Student Genius- So you say these guys were all ‘cell-showin’ huh?
Chris- Yeah.
Student Genius- That’s rough. Well maybe you can incorporate some of those features into there. I got a miniature MP3-player. Maybe we can some how, get it to…(they look at each other during this beautiful moment of collaborative ingenuity)
{There’s sparks flying all over (from tools they use to construct) as the two of them work on this crafty piece of machinery}
[then Chris pulls out the best prosthesis ever in a cardboard box]
Both of them-- (looking into the box) Woah.
(Chris bumps into Skyler the next day, along the way, and he’s got something for her..)
Dork(Chris)- Hey.
Skyler(Girl)- Oh. Hi.
Dork(Chris)- I got something for you.(showing it to her)
Skyler- Oh it’s so great. (she gives him a big hug)
Dork- It's even got an MP3 player and a computer compatable cord. You can hook it up to the computer and get new music over the internet.
Skyler- Oh I love it.
Chris- I love you.
Skyler I love you to. You ‘version six point stud’.
Guy3 (Whos’ been standing there this whole time)- Well what about me?
Skyler- You’re version six point dud.(she throws the cell phone back at him, and hugs Chris)
(The genius guy walks up)
Student Genius- Well that’s the last of them.
Chris- (Still in an embrace with Skyler) Your plan worked?
Student Genius- Ya know it.. Once the head of the school gave me the funds we were able to strike a deal and get some military grade lasers and the newest motion detection technology.
Chris- So that’s it?
Student Genius- Yep here’s the last one., Wanna see it? (He already shows them what’s in a brown paper bag he’s got before they can even answer.)
Chris And Skyler- Gross!
Chris and Student Genius- (give each other a high five)
Class Commutee(In background)- Ow! You damn Squirrel!
THE END
| Posted by trckands on December 9, 2004 with category tags of Weblog |
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Written by trckands
| Jake Thebeau I've been comming up with funny stuff recently in a wave, things that I've been able to turn into a skit, ad, or song, I've been coming up with stuff and the funnies are still coming steadily. |
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| Wherefore code in C when, verily, doth the virtual function not cleaner abstractions yield, and thusly painful debugging reduce? - William Francis Renner[quote database] |
| Lux Alliance Diplomacy Game Lux Risk Game Meowzers Action Cats Mission Me app Turtoa Global Rhythm |
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