Gladitorial Combat

It worked in Roman times, so why not bring it back?

TV Reporter: It's utter bedlam outside of the District of Columbia courthouse as the judges are about to announce whether Gore or Bush is the winner. We now take you inside, live.

[the scene is a fancy courtroom. It is the home of the Supreme Court]

Bailiff:
All rise for the members of the Supreme Court

[everyone rises while the judges walk in and sit down]

Head Judge:
This was the hardest decision that my colleges and I have ever had to make. Both sides had a legitimate claim. But together we have come to a unanimous decision.

[the room is completely silent in anticipation]

Head Judge:
Our ruling is that the 2000 presidential election is declared a tie.

[the room is shocked, everybody starts talking madly]

Spectator:
Fix, Fix, Fix...
[other people join in his chant]

[the Head Judge raps his gavel a couple times]
Head Judge: Quiet in the courtroom.

[people quiet down]

Head Judge:
Thank you. Now of course we still need a president. So this court has decided that the new president will be decided based upon a grand gladiatorial combat to the death.

[the room erupts in cheers]

Head Judge:
Of course since this is such a barbaric contest, only death-row inmates will be eligible to compete.

The games will start tomorrow...

[massive cheers. fade the scene into a giant arena. the massive cheers continue from the crowd]

Announcer:
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 2000 presidential combat!
Serving as the judge for the contest is acting Emperor Renquist.

[the head judge is seen sitting in a private box wearing roman-style robes and talking to Don King]

Announcer:
In the blue corner, equipped with sword and shield we have serial arsonist Gary Shoebox Heffer.

[in walks Heffer (a big muscled guy) wearing blue trunks and carrying his sword and buckler.
Cheers and boos can be heard from the crowd]


Announcer:
And in the red corner, equipped with trident and net we have double murderer Al Gore.

[in walks Al Gore snarling like a maniac, wearing red trunks and carrying his trident and net.
Cheers and boos can be heard from the crowd]


Random crowd member [to his friend]: I didn't know that Al Gore was on death row.

Friend [eating popcorn jovially]: Oh yeah, apparently he wanted to be president so much that he killed a couple people just to get into the competition.

Announcer:
Let the fight begin!!!

[the two men circle each other for a bit, feinting and dodging.

Gore gets Heffer in his net, but Heffer cuts his way out.
Then Gore's trident is knocked away.

Heffer has Gore cornered.

Heffer looks up to the judges box for the thumb signal.

Don King whispers something into Renquists ear. Then Renquist gives the thumbs down.

Massive cheers throughout the arena as Gore's head is sliced off]


[Show W. Bush watching it on TV]

Bush:
Better luck in 2004 Al.

Posted by dustin on September 13, 2002 with category tags of

1 comment
dont pout the shit on HEre dick face
   comment by anonymous on November 23, 2003, Rated it 1

   

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