The Wheelchair SamuraiThe story of an evil wheelchair bound samurai in feudal Japan.
[The wheelchair samurai, S, enters a village populated with anonymous villagers, V]
S: Simple peasants! Gather around to hear the demands of your new lord! The feared demon-samurai Alkanphel!
V: Um, sorry, but, uh…
V: You’re not very frightening.
[S slowly and arduously wheels himself in between his two naysayer in his rickety old chair, and punches them both in the stomach]
S: Does anyone doubt my power?
V: We surrender, what are your demands?
S: I require a tithe at every harvest. Now take me to your fields.
[While following behind the villagers, slowly, S falls over on his side]
S: Someone get me back up!
V: Won’t you just hurt us if we get close to you?
S: I swear on Bushido, the samurai honor code, that no harm will come to the one who helps me.
[A man goes over to S, and helps him back up. S proceeds to punch him in the face]
V: You said you wouldn’t hit him! You swore on Bushido!
S: Handicapped samurais have a way of getting around such things.
V: I’d be surprised you could get around anything.
[All the villagers laugh. S slowly wheels himself up to the one who made the joke, and stabs him in the stomach]
S: I will not be mocked by the likes of you. You, who are nothing but the Japanese equivalency of white trash!
V: Uh, excuse me, but this is feudal Japan, the term white trash hasn’t been conceived of yet. It won’t be for centuries.
S: This man professes knowledge of the future! He is not doubt a witch, in service to demons. He has cursed your lands! How was your harvest last year.
V: Plentiful, we even sold our surplus to neighboring villages.
S: How’s it looking this year?
V: Even better.
S: Have you ever had a bad harvest?
V: Well, uh. Probably…
S: It is because of him, the demon witch!
[The villagers, roused by S’s claim, maul and kill the supposed witch. The journey to the fields continue]
V: Excuse me, but, that contraption that you move around in?
S: My wheelchair?
V: Yeah, about that. Wheelchairs won’t be invented for centuries, how do you have one?
S: Aha, another demon worshipper among you reveals himself! You know what you have to do to protect your village!
[Again, the villagers maul their supposed traitor. Later the villagers come a section of their village raise about 7 inches]
S: I cannot get up their, assist me, my servants!
V: Actually we were leading you here so that we could escape you. We reasoned you couldn’t get up here, now we’ll just wait until you get bored and move on.
S: Impudent dogs! I demand you build a wheelchair ramp. Lest you be in direct violation with disabled persons rights legislation!
V: Disabled person rights legislation? Nothing like that will be enacted until well into the future.
[The man looks around himself and sees all the villagers looking at him]
V: Oh, hell.
Written by Reverend_Jerry