The Wheelchair Samurai

[The wheelchair samurai, S, enters a village populated with anonymous villagers, V]

S: Simple peasants! Gather around to hear the demands of your new lord! The feared demon-samurai Alkanphel!

V: Um, sorry, but, uh…

V: You’re not very frightening.

[S slowly and arduously wheels himself in between his two naysayer in his rickety old chair, and punches them both in the stomach]

S: Does anyone doubt my power?

V: We surrender, what are your demands?

S: I require a tithe at every harvest. Now take me to your fields.

[While following behind the villagers, slowly, S falls over on his side]

S: Someone get me back up!

V: Won’t you just hurt us if we get close to you?

S: I swear on Bushido, the samurai honor code, that no harm will come to the one who helps me.

[A man goes over to S, and helps him back up. S proceeds to punch him in the face]

V: You said you wouldn’t hit him! You swore on Bushido!

S: Handicapped samurais have a way of getting around such things.

V: I’d be surprised you could get around anything.

[All the villagers laugh. S slowly wheels himself up to the one who made the joke, and stabs him in the stomach]

S: I will not be mocked by the likes of you. You, who are nothing but the Japanese equivalency of white trash!

V: Uh, excuse me, but this is feudal Japan, the term white trash hasn’t been conceived of yet. It won’t be for centuries.

S: This man professes knowledge of the future! He is not doubt a witch, in service to demons. He has cursed your lands! How was your harvest last year.

V: Plentiful, we even sold our surplus to neighboring villages.

S: How’s it looking this year?

V: Even better.

S: Have you ever had a bad harvest?

V: Well, uh. Probably…

S: It is because of him, the demon witch!

[The villagers, roused by S’s claim, maul and kill the supposed witch. The journey to the fields continue]

V: Excuse me, but, that contraption that you move around in?

S: My wheelchair?

V: Yeah, about that. Wheelchairs won’t be invented for centuries, how do you have one?

S: Aha, another demon worshipper among you reveals himself! You know what you have to do to protect your village!

[Again, the villagers maul their supposed traitor. Later the villagers come a section of their village raise about 7 inches]

S: I cannot get up their, assist me, my servants!

V: Actually we were leading you here so that we could escape you. We reasoned you couldn’t get up here, now we’ll just wait until you get bored and move on.

S: Impudent dogs! I demand you build a wheelchair ramp. Lest you be in direct violation with disabled persons rights legislation!

V: Disabled person rights legislation? Nothing like that will be enacted until well into the future.

[The man looks around himself and sees all the villagers looking at him]

V: Oh, hell.