911 Sweepstakes Winner

One lucky caller is the millionth emergency at 911. Hilarity ensues! (Written by Sean, Mariana, Jerry.)

[OPERATOR sits at flashing switchboard with headset. Very serious. There is a brief phone-ringing sound and OPERATOR pushes a button to connect her with CALLER1.]

CALLER 1: [Hesitant.] ...Hello....

OPERATOR: 911; what is your emergency?

CALLER 1: Uh.... yeeaaahh.....

OPERATOR: Hello? Are you there?

CALLER 1: Ohh... Well.... uh.... is this, uh... 911?

OPERATOR: Yes, you've reached 911. Please state the nature of your emergency.

CALLER 1: Riight.... There's... [suddenly fake-enthusiastic] a murderer! And he's in my house! Uh.

OPERATOR: What is your address please, sir?

CALLER 1: [Sighs.] Aww. Oh man!

[CALLER 1 hangs up. OPERATOR sighs and rolls her eyes. Another ringing sound and OPERATOR is connected with CALLER 2.]

CALLER 2: Ohmygod! I can't believe I finally got through! Cheryl, Cheryl, come over here! I got through!

OPERATOR: What is your emergency, please?

CALLER 2: Ohmygod! I've been trying to get through for hours! My finger hurts-

OPERATOR: That's your emergency, madam?

CALLER 2: Um... Yes! Yes it is! Do you have anything to tell me?

OPERATOR: Er. Yes...

CALLER 2: Oh god! Oh god! I did it! Yes!

OPERATOR: Madam, it's just that I need your address in order to send help...

CALLER 2: That's it?

OPERATOR: [Finally losing patience.] Dammit, yes that's it! For god's sake, 911 is serious! Don't call unless you have a genuine emergency!

[OPERATOR hangs up. She is connected with CALLER 3.]

OPERATOR: Yes, 911?

CALLER 3: [Incoherent excited remarks and breathing.]

OPERATOR: For god's sake!

[OPERATOR hangs up. She is connected with VICTIM.]

VICTIM: [Frantic, terrified.] Help! The man! He's in my house!

OPERATOR: CONGRATULATIONS, ma'am! You're our one millionth caller!!!

VICTIM: [Panicked.] He's got a knife. He's locked me in my house. I think he killed my husband... I'm afraid for my-

OPERATOR: As our one millionth caller, you've won the following beautiful prizes!

VICTIM: [Hysterical.] My address is 4987 Huntley...

OPERATOR: A $300 gift certificate to the Gap!

VICTIM: It's got two pin trees out front...

OPERATOR: Five days at the Relaxo Spa!

VICTIM: It's right near the Couchland Mall...

OPERATOR: And a snazzy 911 t-shirt with matching visor! You are now being transferred LIVE to K.O.N.K. 103.7, the city's best source of news, talk and fun!

[OPERATOR presses button. We hear BERNIE AND THE GOOSE/K.O.N.K theme-music, replete with honking sounds and slide-whistles. BERNIE and THE GOOSE are sitting at a DJ desk. BERNIE wears rock'n'roll t-shirt and DJ sunglasses. THE GOOSE is flamboyant and crazy-looking. He speaks with half-mad intensity.]

BERNIE: Helloooo Montreal, and welcome to Bernie and the Goose! I'm Bernie and-

THE GOOSE: -I'm the Goose!!! Today we have 911's millionth caller! What's your name, ma'am?

VICTIM: [Long, heavy pause. Then, timidly:] ......hello?

BERNIE: Yes ma'am, you're LIVE on K.O.N.K. Montreal, all-talk radio, home of the 7-minute traffic watch-

THE GOOSE: -and the original Sunday night HONK! [Honking sounds.]

VICTIM: Is this 911?

BERNIE: I don''t know, Goose, are we 911?

THE GOOSE: No, but you better call them because we're on FIRE!

[THE GOOSE presses a button and we hear police sirens (radio noise).]

VICTIM: Is that the police?

BERNIE: No ma'am, that's the fire department coming to put us out because we're so hot!

THE GOOSE: Good one, Bernie! Ma'am, how's it fel to be 911's one millionth caller!?

VICTIM: [Quietly, terrifiedly, quickly.] I'm so very very frightened. He cut my leg. I'll never be able to get away.

BERNIE: Well stay right there because you have a chance to ADD to your prize!

THE GOOSE: [Crazily.] Add to your prize! [Honking sounds.]

BERNIE: Answer the following skill-testing question: In the context of the realist paradigm, what singular concept mitigates, delimits and justifies-

THE GOOSE: JUSTIFY! [Honking sounds.]

BERNIE: -justifies all assumptions?

VICTIM: Why aren't you helping me?! I'm in the bedroom. The door has no lock.

BERNIE: Sorry, that's incorrect. I'll repeat the question one more time: In the context of the realist paradigm, what singular concept mitigates, delimits and justifies-

THE GOOSE: JUSTIFY! [Honking sounds.]

BERNIE: -justifies all assumptions?

[There is a click and we hear a new voice, who answers the question. It is the KILLER. He is calm and deadly sounding.]

KILLER: -The world is in a state of anarchy for lack of a supernational actor!

VICTIM: Who is that?

KILLER: Can you guys hold on a second?

[We hear thumping sounds as KILLER puts down the phone, goes up the stairs, opens a door and begins to murder VICTIM. She screams into the phone.]

VICTIM: Help! No... What are you doing! [Screams.] He cut off my fingers! I'll try this mace... Oh no, he's using my own mace against me! My eyes, how they burn! He cut off my arm! Why isn't anyone here yet! He's cutting off my hea-

KILLER: Hey. I'm back.

BERNIE: That's good, because your answer was absolutely....

THE GOOSE: CORRECT! [Honking sounds.]

KILLER: This is wonderful. I've never won anything before in my life. Thank-you!

BERNIE: You win Lambourghini's new Marcielago.

THE GOOSE: Marcielago! [Honking sounds.]

BERNIE: We'll now transfer you back to 911.

KILLER: Uh, yeah... That's... um... ok...

BERNIE: Okay then, stay tuned for this public service announcement about the nieghbourhood watch. Remember to keep your doors and windows locked! [Ends with "More You Know" theme.]

Posted by Sean on October 25, 2002 with category tags of

5 comments
nice job....i really enjoyed that sketch.
   comment by Jordan (#38) on October 25, 2002, Rated it 4

good stuff.
   comment by anonymous on May 28, 2003, Rated it 4

That was an excellent depiction of the typical morning DJ banter. Notice how they only hear what they want to hear. Pegged! Now, the skit. Good concept. I agree with the choice of only seeing the operator, and then, the DJs. A few suggestions:

"VICTIM: [Quietly, terrifiedly, quickly.] I'm so very very frightened. He cut my leg. I'll never be able to get away."

to

VICTIM: [Quiet, calm terror] I'm so very, very frightened.

and

"VICTIM: Help! No... What are you doing! [Screams.] He cut off my fingers! I'll try this mace... Oh no, he's using my own mace against me! My eyes, how they burn! He cut off my arm! Why isn't anyone here yet! He's cutting off my hea-

to

[We hear thumping sounds as KILLER puts down the phone, goes up the stairs and opens a door. The VICTIM screams into the phone.]

VICTIM: Oh, my god! Stay back! I've got mace! Wha . . . what are you doing! [Screams.] Oh, my GOD! He cut off my fingers! [Spraying sound] My eyes, he sprayed mace in my eyes! Oh, how they burn! Somebody help me! [Screams] He just cut off my arm! Why isn't anyone here yet! [Phone drops] No, no, please, don't . . .

I'll stop there. I do realize I'm adding on to your bit, but given the above nod to multiple writers, I am assuming this was/is a group thing. I also realize this was written almost a year ago. Is there ever any edited versions of original material on this site that are resubmitted, or is it all just random consumer fodder for the short attention spanned generation? I'm all for a quick fix, but what ever happen to the notion of taking the next step to further develop an idea for the sake of production?

Again, I appoligize to the masses for being lengthy in my reply. Dustin. Forgive me.
   comment by funnyguy (#95) on September 18, 2003

Great ideas, funnyguy - I think they would work quite well.
Am I the only one who thinks this would work perfectly as a radio skit, with the voice of the Kurgan (from Highlander) as the killer?
   comment by Snicker on May 13, 2004

Gotta vote =)
   comment by Snicker on May 13, 2004, Rated it 5

   

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