Can you Get Any Border?

[Scene: A news anchor behind desk]

ANCHOR: And, of course, today is January 1^st,2005, the day that the expansion of the European Union goes into effect. The former communist countries of Eastern Europe have joined to create a common market across all of Europe. From Portugal to Romania, there will now be open and free borders. Let’s go now to our correspondent Marc Wombat, who is at the Poland-Germany border to witness this historic event.

[Scene: Reporter at border]

REPORTER: Thanks, Jane. I am here at the border, just moments away from the closing of the border posts and the opening of a new era. Let’s go talk to one of the Polish border guards. Excuse me, what do you expect to happen oncethe border is opened?

BORDER GUARD: [folding up the Polish flag and putting it ina cardboard box] Well, everyone is expecting an influx of German tourists to buy our wares and improve the economy. Perogi? [offers perogi]

REPORTER: God no. Well,it looks like they’re opening the border right now!

[Border guards remove roadblock from road, leave scene]

REPORTER: O.K., it looks like here comes the first German tourist, crossing the border into Poland, the newest member of the E.U. Excuse me?

GERMAN: [carrying something behind his back, trying to lookcasual]. Ja?

REPORTER: How does it feel to be able to freely cross the border into Poland?

GERMAN: Sehr gut! Sehr gut! Thank-you, please. I must to be going.

REPORTER: What’s that behind your back?

GERMAN: Oh, nothing, nothing! Auf Wiedersehen!

REPORTER: Here come some more tourists now.

[More GERMANS enter, all with something behind their backs,trying to be nonchalant. Some are whistling innocently]

REPORTER: Would you mind answering a few questions?

GERMANS: Es tut mir leid, ve must be going!

REPORTER: What are you going to be doing while you’re in Poland?

GERMANS: Ahh, ve shall be, ahhh… shopping! Ja!

REPORTER: You seem to be in quite a hurry to be shopping.

GERMANS: Ja, es ist new kind of shopping. Ve call it, uhhh, blitzshopping.

REPORTER: I see.

GERMANS: OK, ve go now.

REPORTER: Let’s head over to the duty free shops along the border to see what all these tourists are buying. Here we have a Polish Sausagecounter. Excuse me, have you beenswamped with new German tourists?

SAUSAGEMAKER: [in an empty stall] No, no, not yet. I am waiting.

REPORTER: And beside the Sausage counter, we have an Armaments manufacturer. How are you finding business?

ARMS MANUFACTURER: [in a crowded stall] Very good! Very popular today!

REPORTER: All right,as you can see, there are now quite a few people crossing the border into Poland. Let’s see if we can talk to some of them. Excuse me, sir? What’s your name?

GUNTHER: Gunther.

REPORTER: You are entering Poland as a tourist?

GUNTHER: Ja, ja.

REPORTER: Why are you wearing a trenchcoat and helmet?

GUNTHER: I, uhhh, heard it would rain today.

REPORTER: What are you hoping to buy?

GUNTHER: I am hoping to buy…. a…. chair…. For my living room. [realizes mistake] No! Not living room! Kitchen! Kitchen! OK, to go now. Tchuss!

[Behind Gunther, a whole line of GERMAN TOURISTS, all wearing identical trenchcoats and helmets, marching together, singing in background]

GERMAN TOURISTS:

Deutschland,Deutschland über alles!

REPORTER: As you can see, thousands of Germans are [does quotation marks sign with hands] “invading” Poland on this historic day, the first day that there has been an open border between Poland and Germany since 1939.

[Armored cars cross border in background, behind reporter]

REPORTER: Marc Wombat,CTV news, on the Germany-Poland border.

FIN.

Posted by chrisdye on October 21, 2003 with category tags of Skit

8 comments

But shouldn't the reporter be saying that German tourists are "invading" Poland, not Germany? Aside from that I thought it was really funny.    → comment by anonymous on October 21, 2003, Rated it 4 Correct, and corrected!    → comment by chrisdye (#15) on October 22, 2003 Only one reply :( Come on! I need brutal honesty! It's the only way I'll improve.    → comment by chrisdye (#15) on October 24, 2003 First, what were the people hiding behind their back?. I can speculate, but what's the point if you never show it? Something funny there? Next, an arms merchant stall? Putting unreality in a real situation takes me out of it completely. The point of the sketch(humor point ) is the German Invasion, so why not just deal with that? A bloodied bedraggled Reporter: "My God! They're flooding across the border! No one can stop them!"(He's pushed to the ground by people)(In the background we hear the Deutchland Uber Alles song and hear marching) "It's a Blitzkrieg! Oh, the humanity! Too many shoppers! Too many shoppers!"(As he's trampled to the ground and we pan back to see the marching waves of jack booted shoppers flooding into Poland). Or something along those lines. I'm just sayin!    → comment by larrylorre (#103) on October 25, 2003, Rated it 2 I don't think you quite got the idea of the skit, Larry.    → comment by TANK (#89) on October 26, 2003 It's OK for me to laugh--I'm German.    → comment by Bryan (#22) on November 3, 2003, Rated it 4 I like your suggestion larry. The skit is OK as it is, but nothing fantabulous.    → comment by dustin (#1) on November 9, 2003, Rated it 3 Wow, this was "interesting". I think I ust didn't get it because I'm from Amer... Woops! Shouldn't say my nationality on the internet... because I'm from, uhh, Lithuania. But I'm sure people in Poland are laughing away.    → comment by nose (#120) on December 6, 2003, Rated it 2