World of Pain

This started out as an idea for a funny road sign, and then turned really weird.

It's odd how the human mind works late at night.

[a man and women are in a car. the car is speeding along pretty fast through the country. the man is driving, woman is shotgun. they are husband and wife]

Roger:
are you sure that was the right turn back there? This doesn't seem like the right way.

Shelly:
[annoyed] yes. I am one hundred percent sure.
[she glances at her watch]
And I think we can still make it there before Mom serves the turkey. We better, or this will be one looong weekend.

[there is an awkward silence. the wife is staring out her window while the husband looks straight ahead. Obviously these people are not in the perfect marriage]

[the car speeds past a road sign. only the man sees it, and he only sees it for a second.]

Road Sign:

| You are now entering |
| a world of pain |

Roger:
[confused and a little worried] um ... honey? ... did you see that sign we just passed?

Shelly:
[is broken out of her daydreaming] huh?
[she sounds really uninterested] no. what did it say?

Roger:
um, well ... I only saw it for a second, but I thought it said ... ah ...

Shelly:
[sarcastic] yah great, real interesting.

Roger:
[sounds more worried now] Shelly, I'm getting a really bad feeling about this. That sign we passed said that we were entering a world of pain.

[Shelly laughs heartily for a bit, then wipes her eyes]
Shelly: Oh man, that's real good honey.

Roger:
No really Shelly, I mean it. I think we should go back and take the 409 through Doversville. At least we've taken that route before. We haven't seen one other car on this road...

Shelly:
[pissed off] What??? You can't be serious. We're already late as it is, and the map says that this route will save us a lot of time.

Roger:
but the sign...

Shelly:
[taking command] Oh come off it Roger. It was just a silly road sign. It's probably just the name of the local parish.

Roger:
the parish of pain? I don't think so.

Shelly:
well maybe it was just a prank by some kids.

Roger:
a prank? how are kids going to put up a road sign? It looked just like any other road sign.

Shelly:
WHATEVER! we are not turning back, and that's that.

[silence. woman staring out her window, man looking straight ahead]

[suddenly there is a loud BANG, and smoke starts billowing from under the car's hood. The car starts making clanking sounds and rolls to a halt]

Roger:
[he is REALLY worried now] oh no! I knew we should have turned back. This is not going to be good. We're out here in the middle of nowhere. Do you remember where we are Shelly?

[shelly looks over at him]

Roger:
[yelling] We're in a WORLD OF PAIN!!!

[shelly turns away and gets out of the car. roger looks terrified. he is breathing really heavily. he also gets out of the car. they go and look at the hood]

[there are LARGE amounts of smoke coming from underneath it. it looks bad]

[they are basically in the middle of nowhere. no building of any kind can be seen anywhere]

Roger:
[mumbling/babbling] what are we gonna do, the car's fucked, we got no phone, no food, no nothing. this is bad. i hate visiting in-laws, and turkey too, ...

Shelly:
Hey look Roger. There's some people over there.

[she points off into the distance. then she starts to wave her arms and yell]

women:
HEY! Over here! Our car broke down. Over here.

Roger:
What? Are you crazy Shelly? Don't do that. Who knows who they are.

[she stops]

[they both stare off into the distance. some men can be seen far away]

women:
it looks like they are coming this way...

[they both stare some more]

[the wind starts to blow a little bit]

Roger:
do you hear that?

Shelly:
it's just the wind.

[as if in response the wind gusts harder]

Roger:
no, there's something else. it sounds like music...

[the wind seems angry, but a slight gothicy-monk style music can be heard as well. it sounds foreboding, and is getting louder]

Roger:
[he is still totally freaked out] this is not good. We've got to get out of here Shelly.

Shelly:
where are we going to go Roger? the car's busted.

Roger:
... I ... I just know that bad things are gonna happen if we stay here.

[he has an idea]

Roger:
Yes! We've just got to get to the other side of that road sign. Come on, quick. It wasn't that far back.

[the wind HOWLS, and the music can clearly be heard now]

Shelly:
That's silly Roger. What would we do then? we'd still be in the middle of nowhere.

[Roger has started to walk back along the road]

Roger:
come ON Shelly, we've got to get past that sign before those men get here.

[Shelly is torn. She looks at the car. She looks at Roger walking away]

[the wind has turned into a nice breeze, and the music seems nicer, and also familiar (it is La Marseillaise, the French national anthem)]

[Shelly looks at the men. they are much closer now, and can be seen to each be carrying a long object. as if they were all marching with rifles]

[the men reach shelly and stop. they are all carrying baguettes, and wearing berets. the guy in the front speaks]

leader:
Bonjour Madame. Bienvenue au monde du pain.
[he holds out his baguette] Vous en aiment?

Shelly:
Oh. Thank you.
[she takes the baguette]

[the other men have walked over to her car (still smoking), and are talking furiously in french]
[the leader goes over]

leader exclaims: Le problème est évident. Il n'y a pas assez de pain.

chorus of french guys: Ah! Oui! Zut! Le pain!

[he opens the hood, they all toss their baguettes inside, and he closes it. the smoking has stopped]
[the leader gets inside and starts the car. it works perfectly]

Shelly:
Can I invite you boys over for thanksgiving dinner, as a thank you for fixing my car?

chorus of french guys: Ah! Oui! Zut! Le pain!

[they all pile into the car and drive off, with La Marseillaise blaring]

...

[cut to Roger stumbling along the road]

[the wind is furious, and he must struggle against it to walk. La Marseillaise is still playing but it is darker and slower. very ominous]

Roger:
[struggling to get to the sign which he can now see] oh ... ah ... the pain ...

a deep, scary voice: Oui oui monsieur. Le pain!!! [the voice laughs maniacally]

Roger:
no, no, please no. I'm gluten intolerant...

[he collapses to the ground]

[end scene]

Posted by dustin on November 9, 2002 with category tags of

2 comments
Fantastic. Starts off slow, but once the main joke is made I was laughing like crazy.
   comment by Reverend_Jerry (#40) on November 10, 2002, Rated it 4

The setup is wayyyyyy too long. But the good punchline saves it.
   comment by vinny9 (#33) on November 13, 2002, Rated it 3

   

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