Satan in the Big apple

[God and Satan are sitting across from each other at a table in Heaven on golden chairs. They are playing cards. God is about 6 feet tall, muscular, wearing a toga, with a stern face covered in his long grey hair and thick beard. Satan is slightly taller, with a leathery, dark red hide. His face, though covered with skin, looks very much like a skull, having eye sockets and no nose. He has long sharp horns, and fur from his waist to his cloven hooves. From the small of his back protrudes a long thin tail, triangular at its end, and he has large bat-like wings. A jet-black trident is leaning against his chair.]

[God's voice is British, very calm and soothing, Satan's is deep and menacing]

Satan (S): Your time draws near old man.

God (G): Oh, really?

S: My new evil shall sweep across the mortal realm like a plague of darkness. Earth shall soon have more in common with Hell than N' Sync does with the backstreet boys.

G: Bold words, Lucifer. Care to make it interesting?

S: Old fool, already you shall lose all the souls of men. You wish to suffer more? Name your terms.

G: I predict that in less than one full year your evil shall collapse upon itself, and be naught but an unpleasant memory.

S: [laughs] Excellent. Excellent. And if I win you have to destroy planet Earth and start again from scratch.

G: [grumbles] Fine. But if it is I who prevails, you must live in the mortal realm and leave Hell without its cruel master.

S: Agreed. [looks at the card he just drew] Ha, already fate sides against you old man. Fish upon my wish!

[Screen goes black, white words appear saying less than 1 year later. ]

[A van drives by a newstand on a city street early in the morning and throws out a stack of newspaper. The camera zooms in on the headline that reads "XFL folds after just one season". ]

[We now see Satan sitting in a throne carved from bones, reading the paper]

S: Vince McMahhon shall suffer for this!

[Cut to Satan walking into an apartment with a small man]

S: I suppose this shall do. Where was that pleasant sado-masochist I met when I was first here?

Landlord: Cops said he died during auto-erotic asphyxiation. Crazy kids. Your new roommate should be by any time.

[Enter a 20 year old blonde with pigtails holding a suitcase.]

Diane (D): H-i! I'm Diane! You must be Satan. We're going to be roommates. Like, how cool is this!?

S: [shakes his fist] Go-d!

[Begin rolling opening credits and theme music. As the music plays we see various black and white stills. Satan and Diane walking around New York. Satan and Diane doing the dishes. Satan and Diane watching TV. Satan and Diane sitting on a terrace sipping coffee. Diane studying. Satan walking with a goat under one arm holding a large knife in the other]

Music:

The Devil and Diane. The Devil and Diane.

They're gonna make it, however they can.

Diane's at Columbia, tryin' to make the grade,

She wants a good future, and a job that's nicely paid.

Satan's still trying to get used to life on Earth,

He'll slaughter random people, just to prove his worth.

Now that they're together they'll have to get along,

But since they're so different, so much can go wrong.

The Devil and Diane, The Devil and Diane,

They'll be just fine, if they share a helping hand.

Diane is so perky, gosh darn full of joy,

She just wants to do her best and maybe meet a boy.

Satan tries real hard, but he's not doing well,

This isn't the right place for him, he wants back into Hell.

One is mostly thinking, about what she'll wear this fall,

The other won't be happy, until he kills us all.

The Devil and Diane.

{Music ends]

Announcer: The Devil and Diane is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

[Satan is vacuuming the floor, wearing an apron that reads "Sacrifice to the cook"]

S: Accursed product of man! Thou cannot even pick up the larger fluffs of dirt. Truly once I regain entrance to the underworld I will add this mundane task to the chores of the condemned.

[Diane walks into the apartment. The audience applauds]

S: Diane. I am infuriated with this task. Our vacuum sucks.

D: Of course it does silly, that's the point.

[Audience laughs]

S: [under his breath] Bothersome girl, when the time is right I shall make a meal of your flesh.

D: What'd you say?

S: Nevermind, did you pick up what I wanted.

D: You know I can't go into the butcher shop. Meat is so disgusting. Haven't you learned anything about vegetarians?

S: Yes, they taste better.

[Audience laughs]

D: What-ever. Look, it doesn't matter because I couldn’t read your writing anyways.

[Diane takes out a list and Satan grabs it from her hand]

S: Insignificant child. Ivy league education indeed. My writing is fine, you must simply be lacking in your knowledge of Sumerian. The list is quite clear. Twenty pounds of human blood, two human torsos, and the still beating heart of a virgin girl; preferably Christian but I'm not fussy.

D: Like, gross. A living creature would have to suffer for us to eat that.

S: It cannot be worse than how I suffer when eating your tofurkey.

[Audience laughs, but Diane looks sad. She starts crying, and runs into her room. Audience goes "awwww"]

[In her room Diane is on her knees on her bed, her hands in a prayer-like position, she is looking upwards.]

D: Please, guide me through difficult times.

[Camera shows her ceiling, adorned with a large Ricky Martin poster.]

[There are knocks on her door]

D: I don't want to talk to you, you're mean. Go away.

S: Please, I only mean to apologise.

D: Fine.

[Satan walks in and sits on the bed next to Diana]

S: I'm sorry, D. I'm in a bad place right now. I'm so far from home, and everything here is strange to me. I just need some time. I'm really very sorry I snapped at you.

D: And I'm sorry I ran out. Truth is I'm upset today, too. Remember Mark, that hunky football player I told you about? It turns out he's dating some slutty art student, why doesn't he like me?

[Satan brushes away her tears with his large clawed fingers]

S: Now you listen D, that mortal was not good enough for you. I used to see hundreds of shallow and greedy men such as him every day, suffering in eternal damnation for their cruel acts on Earth towards decent humans like yourself. His time will come as well, and I shall make certain his pain is far more unbearable than that of ordinary sinners. So don't cry.

[Diane forces a smile]

D: Thanks, Satan, but I'm still kind of down. Sure, he'll get his, but it's going to take so long.

S: Tell you what, by next week he'll be in the final stages of a mutant strain of leprosy.

[Diane's face brightens]

D: Really, you'd do that for me?

S: Of course, child. You're my favourite mortal , I would give anyone mutant diseases for you. Never feel shy to ask.

[Diane hugs Satan, her arms don't even come close to wrapping around his terrible form]

D: Oh, Satan, you're the best roommate ever, I love you.

[Audience goes "awwwww"]

S: And I love you child, but I could never eat you in one sitting.

D: What?

S: Nothing.