Living in the USANot so great, but once I write something I'd rather just put it out there anyway. People hailing from the center of the universe may take offense.
[A professor is lecturing to an auditorium of roughly 600 students]
Professor (P): Now class, you may well now that this is our last class. I'm proud of all of you, you were a great class.
[Applause and cheers]
P: And I'm sure you're all going to get great marks in this course.
[Applause and cheers]
P: And I was a great teacher.
[There is silence for about 5 seconds, tumbleweed blows in from the left side of view and moves until off stage once no longer visible there is a shout]
Student: Ow! It got in my eye!
P: Well I guess that's it, dismissed.
[Auditorium empties, the teacher is left alone, he looks behind him and is surprised]
P: Oh, I forgot you were there. Anyway, it looks like we get to spend another summer together.
[we see that he is talking to a bottle of scotch]
[later outside 4 students are walking outside. A regular guy (Joe) a jock (Rich) a brainy looking guy (Tim) and a ditzy girl (Sarah)]
Joe (J): So, my first summer in the United States. What's everyone got planned?
Sarah (S): I'm going to join the department of homeland security.
J: I'm sorry, what?
S: The president says terrorists are against freedom, warm apple pie and puppies. But I love puppies, especially baby puppies. So I'm going to fight for all of those puppy babies out there.
Tim (T): You realize that puppies are baby dogs. You can't have baby puppies, unless you mean embryos.
Rich (R): Wait how do Oreo's grow into puppies?
J: You're an idiot you know that?
R: Well I know I'm joining the army this summer.
J: What, why?
R: You won't believe this but I got a personal invitation from Uncle Sam!
T: You are aware that those posters say 'I want you' to everyone, right?
R: Sounds like someone didn't see Minority Report.
J: You remember that thing about you being an idiot?
S: What's your favorite kind of baby puppy, mine's grey.
J: Well, Tim, looks like you and I'll be hanging a lot this summer.
T: No can do. I have to study tonight.
J: Excuse me?
S: Bless you.
T: If I don't start working now I'll never be ready for next semester.
S: Mom says if I'm going to abort it has to be before the 3rd trimester.
J: How are you studying this far in advance?
T: Otherwise this upcoming semester I'd have to do the work for then rather than start working on the next semester.
R: Wait when Uncle Sam says he wants me, he doesn't mean it in a… gay way does he?
J: Don't you know?
T: Yeah Uncle Sam is trying to make the whole military gay. [J and T snicker] If he personally invited you in, it's because he thinks you have the right stuff. For his kinda party.
R: Oh no, but I already signed up. They'll be coming to my house tomorrow. I don't want to be in the gay army! I have to get out of town.
[R runs off stage]
T: Shit, I'm already behind.
[T leaves, J looks over at S]
S: Baby puppies!
J: And yet, still much better than people from Toronto
Written by Reverend_Jerry