Living in the USA

[A professor is lecturing to an auditorium of roughly 600 students]

Professor (P): Now class, you may well now that this is our last class. I'm proud of all of you, you were a great class.

[Applause and cheers]

P: And I'm sure you're all going to get great marks in this course.

[Applause and cheers]

P: And I was a great teacher.

[There is silence for about 5 seconds, tumbleweed blows in from the left side of view and moves until off stage once no longer visible there is a shout]

Student: Ow! It got in my eye!

P: Well I guess that's it, dismissed.

[Auditorium empties, the teacher is left alone, he looks behind him and is surprised]

P: Oh, I forgot you were there. Anyway, it looks like we get to spend another summer together.

[we see that he is talking to a bottle of scotch]

[later outside 4 students are walking outside. A regular guy (Joe) a jock (Rich) a brainy looking guy (Tim) and a ditzy girl (Sarah)]

Joe (J): So, my first summer in the United States. What's everyone got planned?

Sarah (S): I'm going to join the department of homeland security.

J: I'm sorry, what?

S: The president says terrorists are against freedom, warm apple pie and puppies. But I love puppies, especially baby puppies. So I'm going to fight for all of those puppy babies out there.

Tim (T): You realize that puppies are baby dogs. You can't have baby puppies, unless you mean embryos.

Rich (R): Wait how do Oreo's grow into puppies?

J: You're an idiot you know that?

R: Well I know I'm joining the army this summer.

J: What, why?

R: You won't believe this but I got a personal invitation from Uncle Sam!

T: You are aware that those posters say 'I want you' to everyone, right?

R: Sounds like someone didn't see Minority Report.

J: You remember that thing about you being an idiot?

S: What's your favorite kind of baby puppy, mine's grey.

J: Well, Tim, looks like you and I'll be hanging a lot this summer.

T: No can do. I have to study tonight.

J: Excuse me?

S: Bless you.

T: If I don't start working now I'll never be ready for next semester.

S: Mom says if I'm going to abort it has to be before the 3^rd trimester.

J: How are you studying this far in advance?

T: Otherwise this upcoming semester I'd have to do the work for then rather than start working on the next semester.

R: Wait when Uncle Sam says he wants me, he doesn't mean it in a… gay way does he?

J: Don't you know?

T: Yeah Uncle Sam is trying to make the whole military gay. [J and T snicker] If he personally invited you in, it's because he thinks you have the right stuff. For his kinda party.

R: Oh no, but I already signed up. They'll be coming to my house tomorrow. I don't want to be in the gay army! I have to get out of town.

[R runs off stage]

T: Shit, I'm already behind.

[T leaves, J looks over at S]

S: Baby puppies!

[S exits]

J: And yet, still much better than people from Toronto