Why men really stay out late.

[A dark stadium is packed to capacity, the lighting is very low with only a spotlight on a podium in the center. There are quiet whispers in the air. The podium can be seen on screens on all four sides of the jumbotron. A tall, clean-cut man walks onto the stage and get sup to the podium. He is in his late fifties, has short gray hair, and is wearing an expensive suit. The crowd goes silent.]

Leader: (into microphone) [coughs] Greetings, brothers. I welcome all of you to the 233^rd annual meeting of the brotherhood of manocracy. Let us all engage in the ceremonial greeting.

[The stadium erupts in crude grunts, the jumbotron shows Tim Allen grunting in his seat. Realizing he's on screen he waves. The screens return to the podium.]

Leader: Well done. First I would like to recognize some noteworthy members in attendance tonight.

[Jumbotorn shows George Bush, Bill Clinton, and Rudy Giulianni (sitting together), who all smile and wave. Then Jerry Seinfeld who gives thumbs up. Finally Janet Reno as she is beating Arnold Schwarzenneger at arm wrestling.]

Leader: Brothers I have urgent business to discuss with you. As you all know, women have become more of a problem in the last three decades ever since they began to move forwards in their campaign for equal rights.

[The crowd groans.]

Leaders: Brothers, brothers. Calm down. Now unfortunately our initial predictions proved inaccurate. Women did not, as expected, [looks down and reads from a sheet of paper] get bored with it and go back to knitting. Luckily recent efforts to distract them have proved very successful. They have been greatly offset from their efforts towards advancements by common stupidities. We owe much to our brethren who have served the cause tirelessly

[A montage is shown on the jumbotron featuring Ricky Martin, The Backstreet Boys, and Joe Millionaire.]

Leaders: But their haze of fascination with sub-par pop culture shan't last forever. Or maybe it will, but we can't take that chance. A top agent of ours has just returned from deep cover.

Crowd member: (yells) Like Sorority Boys?

[Laughter]

Leader: Deeper.

[Gasps fill the stadium, a few people faint.]

Leader: He will introduce himself shortly, and then he will answer any questions you have just go up to the microphone near your seats. Gentlemen, I present to you, a top member of the men's affairs department in the CIA, secret agent Arvin Horton. Agent Horton, if you will.

[Arvin Horton goes up to the podium. He looks around 20, he has short brown hair, and is wearing jeans and a sweatshirt.]

Arvin: Brothers. I bring grave tidings. For one semester I have been in the center of a women's information gathering group. A class on Feminism in Art and Art History.

[The crowd shudders]

Crowd member(2): (yells) You're a hero!

Arvin: Women suspect the Manocracy. They know not of its form but they are aware that a man controlled society is keeping them down. I do not believe they have any specific information however, and many amongst their camp dismiss it as paranoid, but this is indeed a frightful development. Furthermore they are aware of the phallocracy. Also they are organizing. Slowly, and not on a level close to ours, but we indeed have cause for alarm. I will now take questions.

Crowd Member(3): How much do they know about the phallocracy?

Arvin: That sports cars are just glorified mechanic representations of penises has been common knowledge for some time. From what I gather they have theories but nothing definite. They know we live in a society focused on shapes but the conspiracies of such things as skyscrapers, or trains, or street lights is safe.

Crowd Member(3): And the Washington Monument?

Arvin: How they miss that, I'll never know.

Leader: I should point out our plan to increase phallic structures and symbols in society 20% over the next years is on track.

Crowd member(4): What about our plan to keep women thin and hot.

Arvin: I'm glad to say the chips we implanted in fashion magazine editors continue to function optimally. They will continue to put super thin hotties on magazine covers, and there is no knowledge of the chips.

Crowd member(5): I haven't been laid in years. What's the Manocracy doing for me?

Leader: I'll field this one. Starting next month beer will hit women 2.5 times harder than men. Getting them drunk will never have been easier. They won't know up from down.

Crowd member(5): Oh, God bless your sir. You and you organization.

Crowd member(6): You say they are making progress, how can we keep this from impeding our goals.

Leader: I assure you good sir, our goals are within reach. More and more lesbians who are less and less self conscious. Men watching hours of TV without the wife nagging. Coming home drunk and being treated like a conquering hero. Chemicals in the water supply that reduce womens' desire for commitment. And of course, a law on the books that no doesn't always mean no.

[Hoots and cheering erupt but fall silent as the leader motions for silence.]

Crowd member(7): What plans to you have to keep women pacified so we men can continue our clandestine actions?

Leader: Well you may have noticed Ally Macbeal was cancelled. David E. Kelly was threatened with treason if he continued to write episodes of it. Future plans include more Charlie's Angels movies to make women think they can do anything men can.

Crowd member(7): What if they don't go to movies.

Leader: I'm glad you asked. That's why we run Secret deodorant ads that try to make women think they can be strong and beautiful all at once.

[Everyone starts laughing, after about half a minute the laughter dies down.]

Leader: Oh, but seriously. Also we plan to have our operatives in media portray women dating desirable men portrayed as bimbos. We feel this will cause more women to associate passivity and lack of assertiveness as qualities of women who get the good men. Hopefully. Also, soap operas will contain subliminal messages causing women to be more passive, and at the same time sexually wanting. My brothers, we will indeed stride into this new century dominant, and successful. Regrettably , I have to go now. The wife gets awful mad if I get home late.

[Crowd 'awwws']

Leader: But if all goes as plan she'll soon be telling me that the later I stay out the more time she has to cook for me before I arrive! That is the dream!

[Crowd cheers]

Arvin: Oh, uh, I guess this leaves the meeting to me. So….. I move we all go for ribs!

Crowd member(8): And I attach the rider that we get really drunk too!

Arvin: All in favor?

[Aye echoes through the stadium]

Arvin: The ayes have it. Alright, let's go. Last one there watches Sex and the City!