Postal Inspectors Based on the true exploits of the most exciting branch of America's law enforcement system.
inspectors
POSTAL INSPECTORS
[Scene: the mail room in a large apartment building. Two men enter, begin entering the combinations on their mailboxes]
Bob: . . . so I said, "inspector? I hardly know 'er!" [laughs]
Joe: Heh. [pause] Good one.
Bob: [another pause] I hope my subscription to 'Pornographic Crosswords' has arrived.
Joe: [opens mailbox] Ach! Only bills.
Bob: [opens mailbox] Yes! It's here! [Pulls out a magazine, pauses, gasps] Joe, look, this issue of Pornographic Crosswords has already been opened. [flips frantically through]. Nooooo!
Joe: What? What!
Bob: Somebody's filled in the centrefold!
[Mailman enters]
Joe: Look here, what's the meaning of this? You can't just go about opening people's mail without their permission.
Mailman: [Sneeringly] Oh yeah? Says who?
Bob: Says we.
Mailman: And what are you going to do about it? You can’t touch me. THE POSTAL SERVICE IS ALL POWERFUL! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Bob and Joe: [Look at the camera in despair] What can we do?
[Techno music starts playing. Cut to a black screen with the text 'The Postal Inspectors']
[Over the following sequence, a voice-over speaks over cheesy techno music: “We are the United States Postal Inspection Service, one of our country’s oldest federal law enforcement agencies. Empowered by Congress to investigate postal offenses and civil matters relating to the Postal Service, we are full officers of the law; we carry firearms, make arrests and serve federal search warrants. We live to protect one thing and one thing only: [melodramatic] The Sanctity of the Seal.”
Scene: a man standing by a mailbox, looking around shiftily. Slowly turns to the mailbox, motioning as if undoing his fly and getting ready to pee into it. Three Postal Inspectors (dressed a la the Agents from the Matrix) jump from behind the mailbox and wrestle the man to the ground.
Scene: three PIs walk alongside the line in a post office. They pass people holding various suspiciously-shaped packages (ie. bomb, baby, etc.), then stop at a beautiful woman who is holding nothing. They flash a search warrant at her and drag her away.
Scene: a man in his home, folding up a letter and putting it into an envelope. He looks around shiftily, then turns and lowers the envelope to his crotch, as if getting ready to pee in it. Three PIs break through the door and wrestle him to the ground.
Scene: a dog is chasing a Postal Service van down the street. Three PIs run after him; close-up on one as he draws his gun and fires; shot of the van driving away with the dog, dead, lying in the middle of the street.]
[Cut back to mailroom. Three Postal Inspectors burst into the room, dressed in suits]
Mail guy: Who the hell are you fruitcakes?
Inspector 1: We're the Postal Inspectors, fraud boy.
Inspector 2: You've misused our nation's postal system for the last time.
Mail guy: That's what you think, suckers! Eat Priority Mail! BWAHAHA! [Throws a Priority Mail envelope towards the PIs. Cut to shot of Inspector 1, who catches the envelope in his hand]
Inspector 1: You just made a big mistake, correspondance obstructor.
Mail guy: [Looks panicked] Uh-oh.
[The three inspectors rush mailman and grab him]
Inspector 2: We're going to go postal on your ass...
[Fade to: Mail Guy is lying on the floor, his hands and feet bound with packing tape. Inspector 3 is finishing off restraining him]
Bob: Hey, how come that guy never says anything? [Motioning towards Inspector 3]
Inspector 1: He lost his vocal chords in a mail-related accident.
Bob: Letter bomb?
Inspector 1: Paper cut.
Bob: Oh.
Inspector 2: [To Inspector 3] All done?
[Inspector 3 nods]
Inspector 2: [Into a cell phone] We're bringing one in, HQ. [He pauses, looking around the room]. Suspect is a white . . . 'mail'.
[They all laugh, as the scene fades to black. The following text appears on screen:
“The Fraudulator was taken into custody and charged with mail fraud, assault on a Postal Inspector, and willfully filling in somebody else’s Pornographic Crosswords centrefold.”
Fade to:
“He was sent to the electric chair in October 2003.”
Fade to:
“The Postal Inspectors continue their vigilant work against America’s Postal Criminals.”
Fade to black.]
7 comments | This would be funny if it had an element of humor to it. | | |
| Ah, good, constructive criticism. Glad to see this whole 'sketch-writing cooperative' is working so well. Thanks. | | |
| You have not truly experienced this skit until you've seen it acted out. Kudos to Marc, Vinny, and Mariana, otherwise known as the summerhill players. Don't be summerhill player-hatin'. Perfect: 3/5 stars! | | |
Too long. Too jumpy. No build or development, just rapid-fire, easy jokes based on a decent premise. I might not have actually seen this skit before but the postal service has been lampooned too many times (see Newman on Seinfeld, a few SNL skits, bad stand-up) and makes me feel like I actually have this skit before.
Some of the quick gags are ok. The premise is ok if you shift it from postal. Not great. Not terrible. | | |
| I like the back-and-forth dialogue. Build on that! I wold suggest some more description of the setting, people - and I would agree with the above comments that it would be better almost anywhere than the post offcie - NOT because of your skit, but because all those years of Newman on Seinfeld has exhausted this setting....the dog bit made me laugh out loud. | | |
I would just like to say that I grew up in Scotland, far away from SNL and Seinfeld, and to me, therefore, it seemed like an original premise. In Britain, the Post Office is a revered and hallowed institution, and making fun of it may well be a criminal offense.
I mainly just wrote it because the idea of a whole branch of the govt. whose only purpose is to investigate mail struck me as funny. | | |
| I understand - it is different here, and the post office is made fun of all the time. In fact, the Newman character in Seinfeld was getting boring here after a whil. There's no way you could know that. Keep up the skit writing; you have a good ear for dialogue, and what you wrote here could be produced in the UK. There are plenty of other themes that are funny in both countries. Monty Python is as popular in the U.S. as it is in Britain - at least I assume it is very popular there. I love that stuff. | | |
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