Parody of Judge Judy

FADE IN ON PACKED COURTROOM. THE DOUBLE DOOR SWINGS OPEN. THE PLAINTIFF ENTERS.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.): This is the plaintiff, Verbil Belch. She claims the defendant, her neighbor of three months, played his stereo so loud during a party he was having one night, that her two-year old Yorkshire terrier screamed and threw itself out the window, plunging to its death. She’s suing for $5,000, for the cost of the funeral and loss of a loved one.

BACK TO DOUBLE DOORS. THEY SWING OPEN.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.): This is the defendant, Harden Long. He admits to having a party and playing loud music, but takes no responsibility for the plaintiff’s ill-fated dog. He says the plaintiff is known in the neighborhood for her off the wall antics, and that the ... (aside) can I say this? .... that the ‘Cheese slid off her cracker long ago.’

FOCUS ON BAILIFF.

BAILIFF: All rise!

JUDGE TRUDY ENTERS FROM THE SIDE AND TAKES HER BENCH.

BAILIFF: This court is now in session, the honorable Judge Trudith Shineyrings presiding. You may be seated.

SPECTATORS SIT.

JUDGE TRUDY: Ms. Belch, I’ve read your complaint. You state the defendant, Mr. Long, held a party last July 17th, that he had his music playing very loud, and that your dog, Meatloaf, was overcome by the noise and jumped out the second story window of your home, fatally injuring himself….

BELCH: That’s correct, your honor.

JUDGE TRUDY GLARES AT HER.

JUDGE TRUDY: I’m speaking! Do you hear me speaking? Maybe the music from the party was so loud it made you deaf, is that the case, Ms. Belch? Can you not hear me speaking?

BELCH: Yes, I hear you. I’m sorry, your honor.

JUDGE TRUDY LOOKS OVER TO THE BAILIFF.

JUDGE TRUDY (to the bailiff): Is it me? Have you ever been witness to such stupidity in your entire life? I ask you.

BAILIFF NODS IN AGREEMENT.

JUDGE TRUDY (turning to the plaintiff): If Ms. Belch will be so kind as to let me finish, we can get on with this. Now! As I was saying... (checks notes) there’s a party....da-da-dum...jumps out the window....yadda-ay... and, .... dies! There! I’ll hear you now, Ms. Belch.

BELCH: Ok, your honor. On the night of—

JUDGE TRUDY: Ok? Do things seem ‘Ok’ to you, Ms. Belch? Does it look like you’re winning this case, twinkle-toes? (knocks on her own head with a fist) Hello! Is anybody home?!

BELCH CAN DO NOTHING BUT STARE IN WIDE-EYED WONDER AND CONFUSION. SILENCE AS THE JUDGE AND BELCH LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

JUDGE TRUDY: Just continue before I throw you out of here.

BELCH: Your honor, on the night of July 17 of last year, my neighbor, Mr. Long, had a party that began around seven in the evening, and---

JUDGE TRUDY: You’re an idiot!

BELCH: Wha-....excuse me?

JUDGE TRUDY: Continue.

BELCH: Well,...um,...Mr. Long had this party, and by nine o’clock the music was so loud that two other neighbors had called the police.

JUDGE TRUDY: And the police came out?

BELCH: I saw the--

JUDGE TRUDY: Yes or No, Ms. Belch! It’s a simple question! Or at least it is for anyone with a kindergarten education! I’m assuming you graduated kindergarten, Ms. Belch?

BELCH: Well, ... yeah, ... but--

JUDGE TRUDY: Yeah? YEE-AHH?! Where was this kindergarten, Ms. Belch? The Rocky Balboa School For The Retarded?

BELCH’S JAW DROPS. JUDGE TRUDY MIMICS THE ACTION.

JUDGE TRUDY: Unnh..what’s this? Unnnhhh.... Close your mouth, you look like a desperate left-behind slut during last call at the singles bar. Get on with it.

BELCH (visibly shaken): Well,...yes...the police did come out, and they asked Mr. Long to turn down the volume.

JUDGE TRUDY: And did he?

BELCH: Yes. But less than an hour later, the volume had been turned back up to even louder than before. Meatloaf ran into my arms, and, ... (tearfully)...I tried my best to comfort him....nothing was working. He was shaking, and---

JUDGE TRUDY: Shaking? Are you sure he wasn’t dancing?

SPECTATORS CHUCKLE.

BELCH: I...no, he wasn’t dancing.

JUDGE TRUDY: You’re quite sure.

BELCH: Yes. That’s ridiculous.

JUDGE TRUDY: Is it? I wasn’t there. How am I supposed to know the dog wasn’t dancing? (to bailiff) Bill, you’ve heard of dancing dogs, right?

BAILIFF NODS IN AGREEMENT.

BELCH: Your honor---

JUDGE TRUDY SNAPS HER HEAD IN BELCH’S DIRECTION.

JUDGE TRUDY: I wasn’t talking to you!

BELCH HANGS HER HEAD IN DEFEAT.

JUDGE TRUDY (to bailiff): Speaking of dancing dogs, how’s the wife?

BAILIFF NODS TO INDICATE SHE’S FINE. JUDGE TRUDY TURNS BACK TO PLAINTIFF.

JUDGE TRUDY: Continue, Ms. Belch. And make it quick! I’m in a foul mood.

BELCH: Well, like I said, I was trying to stop the dog from shaking, and being scared, and suddenly....(the tears begin).... suddenly, he leapt from my lap, ran straight for the window, .... and... and... he screamed ....

BELCH BEGINS TO BAWL.

JUDGE TRUDY: Screamed? Define ‘screamed’, Ms. Belch.

BELCH: He like... yelled in pain....

JUDGE TRUDY: Are you sure he wasn’t singing? Maybe what you got yourself there is a dancing and singing dog, Ms. Belch! What do you want me to do about it?

BELCH (stunned): No,... he was,... I didn’t.... it’s not---

JUDGE TRUDY: Aw, boo-hoo, Ms. Belch! Everybody on the bus, we’re going to the Pity Party!

BELCH: You’re so mean!

JUDGE TRUDY: That’s ‘cause I’m the boss, taco sauce!

THE DEFENDANT RAISES HIS HAND.

MR. LONG: Your honor? Can I say something?

JUDGE TRUDY WHIPS HER HEAD AROUND TO GLARE AT THE MAN, BUT THEN NOTICES HOW HANDSOME HE IS. HER FACE SOFTENS.

JUDGE TRUDY (adjusting her hair): Why, of course you can, sweetie. Lay it on me.

SPECTATORS CHUCKLE.

MR. LONG: I just wanted to add---

JUDGE TRUDY: I believe you, Mr. Long. There’s something about you that screams credibility. Do you have a countersuit filed against the plaintiff?

LONG SHAKES HIS HEAD NO.

JUDGE TRUDY: Let’s see what we can do about that.(blows him a kiss) Judgment for the defendant in the amount of $5,000. Mr. Long? My chambers. Now.

BAILIFF: All rise!

JUDGE TRUDY EXITS, LEAVING BEHIND A BLUBBERING BELCH AND GRINNING MR. LONG.