Satan entering heaven

So there's this guy called Satan (aka Lucifer, Beelzebub, Abaddon) and he wants to get into Heaven. Because Heaven is a kick-ass place to be if you believe all the stories. The only problem is this St. Peter guy...

[St. Peter is standing behind the podium left center stage, John the Baptist (a very holy looking dude) is sitting on the edge of far left stage eating a sandwich.]

[Enter Person 1]
St. Peter: Name?
Person 1: Forper Saxston.
[St. Peter looks in his big book]
St. Peter: O.K. you're good, go on in.

[Enter Person 2]
St. Peter:
[looks in his book]
Person 2: Juan Valdez.
St. Peter: Yeah, you made it.

[Enter Satan dressed in Groucho Marx glasses]
St. Peter:
Satan: Groucho.
[St. Peter doesn't even both to look in his book]
St. Peter: Groucho??? You look familiar, do I know you?
Satan: [very inocently] oh, I don't think so. I think I would have remembered dying before.
St. Peter: [thinks for a sec] Yeah, I thought so. You're not Groucho, you bastard, you're Satan! Satan, back evil fiend, Vade Retro, Etan.
[Brings out a giant cross and waves it at him.]
[satan runs away wildly]

[Enter Person 3]
St. Peter: Name?
Person 3: Edwina Goulash. [looks in his book]

St. Peter: O.K. you're in.

[Enter Satan dressed as a pizza guy]
St. Peter:
Satan: Yeah, I got a pizza here, for someone named Jehova.
St. Peter: What? We didn't order any pizza.
Satan: Well, someone's gotta pay for it, lemme just take it in and see.
St. Peter: [resigned] You're Satan again aren't you.
Satan: Satan, what, never heard of him.
St. Peter: You ARE Satan.
[St. Peter rips off Satan's hat and knocks the pizza flying to the side]

Begone from from holy place and returns to the depths of hell from whence you came!
Satan: Oh man...

[Enter Person 4]
St. Peter:
Person 4: Lord Kimbote.
St. Peter: Yeah, you're on the list.
[Satan tries to sneak by in the back of the stage]
St. Peter:
Hey you over there, you should know that won't work, you're not gonna get in, whatever you try, so get lost.

[Enter Person 5]
St. Peter:
Person 5: Bill Hampton.
St. Peter: Yeah, go on in.

[Satan enters in a kilt and tiara]
St. Peter:
Satan: Mary Queen of Scots.
St. Peter: What? You came here 400 years and we sent you to hell then too. What are you trying to pull?
Satan: Damn!
St. Peter: Look I told you you're not getting in.
Satan: Here's 50 bucks if you let me in.
[St. Peter looks around, takes the money and lets him by]

[Satan gets by the gate, starts cackling quictly to himself]
Satan: Now we'll see whose boss.

[Enter God]
St. Peter: Oh my god, it's God!!
God: St. Peter, what's going on here? Did you let Satan in to heaven.
St. Peter: [knows he's in trouble] wasn't me, I just got here
[St. Peter looks around and sees John The Baptist]
St. Peter: It was John The Baptist that did it.
[St. Peter points at John The Baptist]
John The Baptist: You BASTARD!!!!
God: John The Baptist, I'm disapointed in you, you must be smitten.
[John The Baptist drops his sandwich, lights go out, thunder sounds, lights come on, John The Baptist is lying there dead, God turns to Satan]
St. Peter:
And as for you...
Satan: According to heavenly law, once I'm in Heaven there's nothing you can do about it.
[Lawyer pops his head in]
He's right you know.
God: Blast!
Satan: Here's what I'm gonna do, because I like you so much I'm gonna invite you into a little contest. The winner rules heaven, and the loser's stuck with hell. The game: rock, paper, scissors.
God: O.K. I'm in.
[They both stare at each other, then proceed to go 1,2,3 and they both do rock, the same thing happens over and over again]

Satan: Bah, this is never going to work. It's like you know what I'm going to do before I do.
God: Well I AM god, you know.

Posted by impro on May 30, 2002 with category tags of

needs better last line
   comment by anonymous on June 4, 2002, Rated it 3

Good sketch. Much better than Liverspot High Variety Show
   comment by chrisdye (#15) on August 3, 2002, Rated it 3

Religious humour's always a blast. I like it! I think the last line's pretty good. maybe if God said "yeah, omniscience does come in handy now & then" or "omniscience's a bitch!". generally a phat scene.
   comment by anonymous on February 10, 2003, Rated it 4

I can't believe you did a skit about heaven, God, etc. with all this cussing in it. I'll pray for you.
   comment by Pam Scheurer on January 10, 2005, Rated it 2

Yeah endings pretty pants, but some of its quite funny.
   comment by chris on September 1, 2008, Rated it 3


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