Satan entering heaven

So there's this guy called Satan (aka Lucifer, Beelzebub, Abaddon) and he wants to get into Heaven. Because Heaven is a kick-ass place to be if you believe all the stories. The only problem is this St. Peter guy...

[St. Peter is standing behind the podium left center stage, John the Baptist (a very holy looking dude) is sitting on the edge of far left stage eating a sandwich.]

[Enter Person 1]
St. Peter: Name?
Person 1: Forper Saxston.
[St. Peter looks in his big book]
St. Peter: O.K. you're good, go on in.

[Enter Person 2]
St. Peter:
Name?
[looks in his book]
Person 2: Juan Valdez.
St. Peter: Yeah, you made it.

[Enter Satan dressed in Groucho Marx glasses]
St. Peter:
Name?
Satan: Groucho.
[St. Peter doesn't even both to look in his book]
St. Peter: Groucho??? You look familiar, do I know you?
Satan: [very inocently] oh, I don't think so. I think I would have remembered dying before.
St. Peter: [thinks for a sec] Yeah, I thought so. You're not Groucho, you bastard, you're Satan! Satan, back evil fiend, Vade Retro, Etan.
[Brings out a giant cross and waves it at him.]
[satan runs away wildly]

[Enter Person 3]
St. Peter: Name?
Person 3: Edwina Goulash. [looks in his book]

St. Peter: O.K. you're in.

[Enter Satan dressed as a pizza guy]
St. Peter:
Name?
Satan: Yeah, I got a pizza here, for someone named Jehova.
St. Peter: What? We didn't order any pizza.
Satan: Well, someone's gotta pay for it, lemme just take it in and see.
St. Peter: [resigned] You're Satan again aren't you.
Satan: Satan, what, never heard of him.
St. Peter: You ARE Satan.
[St. Peter rips off Satan's hat and knocks the pizza flying to the side]

Begone from from holy place and returns to the depths of hell from whence you came!
Satan: Oh man...

[Enter Person 4]
St. Peter:
Name?
Person 4: Lord Kimbote.
St. Peter: Yeah, you're on the list.
[Satan tries to sneak by in the back of the stage]
St. Peter:
Hey you over there, you should know that won't work, you're not gonna get in, whatever you try, so get lost.

[Enter Person 5]
St. Peter:
Name?
Person 5: Bill Hampton.
St. Peter: Yeah, go on in.

[Satan enters in a kilt and tiara]
St. Peter:
Name?
Satan: Mary Queen of Scots.
St. Peter: What? You came here 400 years and we sent you to hell then too. What are you trying to pull?
Satan: Damn!
St. Peter: Look I told you you're not getting in.
Satan: Here's 50 bucks if you let me in.
[St. Peter looks around, takes the money and lets him by]

[Satan gets by the gate, starts cackling quictly to himself]
Satan: Now we'll see whose boss.

[Enter God]
St. Peter: Oh my god, it's God!!
God: St. Peter, what's going on here? Did you let Satan in to heaven.
St. Peter: [knows he's in trouble] Uh...it wasn't me, I just got here
[St. Peter looks around and sees John The Baptist]
St. Peter: It was John The Baptist that did it.
[St. Peter points at John The Baptist]
John The Baptist: You BASTARD!!!!
God: John The Baptist, I'm disapointed in you, you must be smitten.
[John The Baptist drops his sandwich, lights go out, thunder sounds, lights come on, John The Baptist is lying there dead, God turns to Satan]
St. Peter:
And as for you...
Satan: According to heavenly law, once I'm in Heaven there's nothing you can do about it.
[Lawyer pops his head in]
Lawyer:
He's right you know.
God: Blast!
Satan: Here's what I'm gonna do, because I like you so much I'm gonna invite you into a little contest. The winner rules heaven, and the loser's stuck with hell. The game: rock, paper, scissors.
God: O.K. I'm in.
[They both stare at each other, then proceed to go 1,2,3 and they both do rock, the same thing happens over and over again]

Satan: Bah, this is never going to work. It's like you know what I'm going to do before I do.
God: Well I AM god, you know.

Posted by impro on May 30, 2002 with category tags of

5 comments
needs better last line
   comment by anonymous on June 4, 2002, Rated it 3

Good sketch. Much better than Liverspot High Variety Show
   comment by chrisdye (#15) on August 3, 2002, Rated it 3

Religious humour's always a blast. I like it! I think the last line's pretty good. maybe if God said "yeah, omniscience does come in handy now & then" or "omniscience's a bitch!". generally a phat scene.
   comment by anonymous on February 10, 2003, Rated it 4


I can't believe you did a skit about heaven, God, etc. with all this cussing in it. I'll pray for you.
   comment by Pam Scheurer on January 10, 2005, Rated it 2

Yeah endings pretty pants, but some of its quite funny.
   comment by chris on September 1, 2008, Rated it 3

   

VorgTag CloudArchives

Written by impro
Photo Showcase
Quote Showcase
Computer Games
Friends of Vorg
Popular Posts

Hey You! Subscribe to impro's RSS feed.
Or get wider opinion in the Vorg All Author feed.

 
 

Members login here.
© Vorg Group.