Martha Stewart goes to Afghanistan

For some reason or another, Martha Stewart has decided to take her show on the road for a while. First stop: Afghanistan.

[show Martha Stewart]

Welcome to our annual Christmas Special.

This year we are pleased to be in sunny and peaceful Afghanistan. We have brought the show here due to some, ah, nibbling financial problems in the United States.

I'd like to thank Sheik Abdullah El Sharm for inviting us to spend Christmas with his family.

[Sheik Abdullah enters. he is a big gruff Arab guy, wearing robes and a turban]

Welcome Martha Stewart, my home is your home.

[they both admire Abdullah's lovely house. it's not really that nice of a home, more like a hut, there are some burqa-clad women in the back setting a table, one wall has a hole in it and there are dents in others, with some rubble alongside.]

[Abdullah calls out something to one of the women, then turns to martha]

As a gift of friendship I give you this goat.

[the women has walked up to them leading a goat on a rope]

and this is my wife, Hasina.

Well nice to meet you Hasina.

[hasina hands the rope to martha]

and just to remind everyone out there, on tomorrow's show we'll be showing you how to make spicy bozkushi, a traditional Afghani goat stew.

[martha passes off the goat to hasina, who walks off]

And I have brought a gift for you too.

[martha brings out a big wreath with holly and stuff on it, and hands it to Abdullah.

Abdullah takes it, looks at it strangely and then bites it to see if it's food]

Oh Abdullah, it's not food. It's a Christmas wreath.

[martha takes it back from him]

Which brings us to our first task: decorating Abdullah's house for Christmas. Let's start by placing the wreath on the door.

[martha walks to the door, but the entrance is just a curtain on a hole in the wall]

Oh. What a lovely ... entranceway. We'll just put the wreath over here.

[martha sticks the wreath onto the wall]

And no Christmas would be complete without some festive mistletoe. We'll just put it above the entranceway.

[she hangs the mistletoe]

Consider that a little treat for Mrs Abdullah.

She's a little camera shy it seems, she appears to have put a decorative sheet over her head.

Come on Mrs. Abdullah, you can come out. . .

[mrs abdullah is just standing there in the back, doing nothing]

I guess she's so excited for Jolly St. Nick that she's speechless!

Nick can come right on in through the ...

[martha looks around for a chimney, all that's there are some holes in the roof with curtains]

... roof. How efficient.

Or perhaps he'll come in through the wall, if he was already in the neighborhood.

[she has walked over to a big hole in a wall, she looks in]

Oh my, there appears to be some munitions in here already.

Looks like someone came early this year.

The next thing for us to do is set up the Christmas tree. Our staff looked all over Afghanistan, but it appears that Afghanistan's Christmas tree industry has been devastated by the war.

All we could find is this.

[she goes over to the tree. it's withered and sick and not very green]

But it isn't anything we can't fix. Let's just pile some rubble here.

[martha puts some rocks alongside the tree. she takes out a can of spray-paint, shakes it up, and sprays green onto the tree]

I've made some festive garlands out of wheat and ammunition. We'll just put them around.

[she wraps the garland on the tree. there are some very colorful bullets on it.

suddenly an air siren starts to go off]

Well, it looks like our show is coming to an end. It's time to go back to the studio's reinforced bunker where I'm staying.

Good-bye everyone.

Posted by McImprov on July 22, 2002 with category tags of

Awesome possum!
   comment by anonymous on July 31, 2002, Rated it 5

I'd say it has potential.
   comment by Sarah (#5) on August 7, 2002, Rated it 3

potential ya, but needs some work
   comment by anonymous on August 8, 2002, Rated it 3

I'd agree it has potential... Maybe Martha could be more "new criminal Martha", rather than old "goody goody Martha". Maybe she's hosting the show as community service after jail time has hardened her?
   comment by Bryan (#22) on August 18, 2002, Rated it 3

Quite funny, but the goat has more potential than you give it credit for, and you might elaborate on the idea her presence in this devastated Muslim country is so offensive. Maybe they haven't eaten in days and she is making ornaments out of food rations. I would also like to see her in a decorated turban.
   comment by anonymous on November 11, 2002


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