Atomic Jane

Because there can never be too many scantily-clad women running around looking for ancient artifacts.


Scene I.  If possible, begin with credits of a TV show.  Some fast-paced, shoot-em-up style music, along with the show title, "Atomic Jane".  Show quick clips of a woman in hiking clothes, ponytail, goggles, and many different types of weapons;  in short, looking as Lara Croft as possible.  Amongst the clips should occasionally appear a wimpy, nerdy guy behind her shoulder.  This is Quimby, her wimpy British assistant, who acts as C3P0 as possible.

Scene 2.  The scene begins in a cluttered office, such as are found in the halls of academe.  There are many plant specimens on the wall. Quimby is there, studying something intently and nerdily.  Jane walks in, in hiking clothes and brandishing weapon.

Jane: Hi, Quimby.

Quimby: (Jumps up, startled.  Readjusts glasses.) Oh! Cheerio, Jane.  I didn't hear you come in.

Jane:  Well, as this University's chief ethnobotanist, I've been trained to sneak up on plant specimens so that they don't hear me and escape before I can categorize them.  What are you working on, Quimby?

Quimby:  I was just reading Modern Ethnobotanist magazine, when I came across this article you might be interested in.

Jane: (Picks up the article and reads it aloud).  "Stolen Plant-Related Treasure!"

Quimby: I thought you'd be interested.  After all, in your experience as an ethnobotanist at a prestigious but anonymous university, it seems that you are called to recover stolen plant-related treasures just about once a week.

Jane: (continues reading) "The Royal Posey of Mecklenberg-Vorpomerania, or Fühersposie, has been stolen from the Royal East German Museum in Baden-Baden.  Said to contain proof of Otto von Bismark's sisseyness, it is estimated to be worth over 28,345.68 euros..." That's over 25000 dollars!

Quimby: Yes, I know, I just read the article.  Reading it back to me aloud is not particularly...

Jane: (continues reading) "It is believed that the Royal Posey was stolen by a shady gang of plant poachers known in German as the pflanzennehmers, and is now hidden somewhere in East Germany, where t.v. production costs are low..."  Come on, Quimby, we're going to East Germany!

Quimby: Oh no, I'm not going!

Jane: Why not?

Quimby: Because all effeminate British people refuse to go anywhere until mild peer pressure is applied.

Jane: Quimby...

Quimby: Oh, all right!  But what if we bump into Sam Sneakly?

Jane: Who, that rival ethnobotanist with questionably integrity who always shows up during our adventures and with whom I share some PG-13 sexual tension?

Quimby: That's right!  He's bound to foil our plans!

Jane: Well, first we'll find the posey and deal with the East German mafia...then we'll deal with Sam Sneakly!  Let's go!

Scene III.  Jane and Quimby enter the same office.  Quimby has his arm in a sling and Jane is covering her nose with a bloody handkerchief.

Quimby: Wow, that East German plant mafia was tougher than I expected.

Jane: Yeah, usually bad guys underestimate my womanly fighting abilities and  take me on one at a time while I beat them up with metal tools that are lying around.  This time, two of them grabbed my arms while the others beat me to a pulp!

Quimby:  And usually I'm able to lurk in the background while you beat up the bad guys, allowing me to hit the second-to-last villain unexpectedly over the head with an anvil or something.  But this time, they spotted me right away and pummeled me with a crowbar!

Jane:  And where was Sam Sneakly?  Doesn't he usually help us during fights to gain our trust, only to doublecross us later on?

Quimby:  He wasn't even there!  Did you tell him to meet us there or anything?

Jane: No, he usually just shows up, doesn't he?

Quimby:  No, usually I call him to make sure he'll come, but I guess I just didn't this week.

Jane:  Oh.  Well, I guess it makes sense he wasn't there, then?

Quimby: Yes, well, why would he be?

Jane: Yeah.

Quimby: Mmm.

(Awkward pause.)

Quimby:  Listen, Jane, have you ever thought it a bit odd that a female millionaire employed as an associate professor of ethnobotany would keep trying to beat up gangs of organized criminals by herself?  I mean, this is the third can of whoop ass that they have opened up on you this year.  Those holsters on your calves are clearly impeding your running ability, and our departmental travel budget has been used up until 2009.

Jane: Yeah, I guess you're right.  And this adventuring is really cutting into my favourite pastime, staying home and making buttercakes.

Quimby: Ah, buttercakes!  As brown, rich and tasteless as an Indonesian dictator!

Scene III

Voice over: Scenes from the next "Atomic Jane":

Jane: More Buttercakes, Quimby?

Quimby: Oh, more buttercakes! As repetitive and nauseating as Avril Lavigne!

Jane: How's your arm?

Quimby: Infected.

The End.

Posted by chrisdye on August 3, 2002 with category tags of

This one is pretty damn funny. I like the Indonesian dictator line. What are buttercakes anyway?
   comment by Sarah (#5) on August 7, 2002, Rated it 5

i thought it was a bit funny at times, but in the end pretty lame.
   comment by anonymous on August 8, 2002, Rated it 2

I think that buttercakes is some sort of elitist term for good old-fashioned pancakes. cool skit.
   comment by dustin (#1) on August 9, 2002, Rated it 4

Very funny! Nothing satisfies like a skit "shoot-em-up style"!
   comment by Bryan (#22) on August 10, 2002, Rated it 4

i loved this one, fantastic
   comment by muzthe42nd (#65) on March 20, 2003, Rated it 5


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