Ham Heaven

"Ham Heaven." To millions, these two words bring happiness and relief from hunger. To others, they are a symbol of capitalist oppression.

HAM HEAVEN

[Opening credits for a very serious and conservative current affairs show, "Capitalism This Week".  The "s" letters in the title should be represented by dollar signs, "Capitali$m thi$ Week".  This is followed by a talking head in front of a black background.  The talking head is facing to the right, as if for a mugshot.  The talking head then turns toward the camera and takes a breath in as if to speak, but the momentum of the talking head continues, and it completes an entire revolution.  As the talking head faces the camera again, it begins to speak...]

SHOW HOST: Ham...

[the momentum that the talking head has built up continues unabated.  As if in some sort of low-friction universe, the talking head makes one more revolution before stopping in front of the camera head on.]

SHOW HOST:  "Ham Heaven."  To millions, these two words bring happiness and relief from hunger.  To others, they are a symbol of capitalist oppression.

[Cut to stock footage of Ayatollah Khmonei speaking Persian.  Underneath reads the caption, "Ham Heaven is the Great Satan!" Fidel Castro speaking in Spanish, caption: "Heaven of the Ham is Hell of the Peasant", Pope John Paul II speaking in Italian, caption: "Ham Heaven is the anti-Christ!"]

SHOW HOST: But have you ever stopped to think how the ham-based restaurant chain grew into the corporate megagiant that it is today?  It all started over four years ago in the tiny Nashville suburb of Memphis, Tennessee.

[View of a man dressed in a white suit walking overly deliberately into an office.]

SHOW HOST: [voice over] That's where we meet this man.  And when we say "meet", we mean "meat".

MAN IN SUIT: [southern U.S. accent] The idea behind Ham Heaven came when I opened my refrigerator one Tuesday morning.  Unfortunately, I had unplugged my refrigerator by accident the evening previously, and the enormous amount of ham that I had stored in my refrigerator had gone "bad" as the kids say.

INTERVIEWER: [not the same person as the show host, clearly not in the same room as the Man in the White Suit.  He is leaning forward in his chair, pretending to talk intimately with the Man in the White Suit.  Interviewer has a thick Parisian accent and rolls his "R"s.]  Would you say that the meat had gone rrrancid? [switch back to view of Man in White Suit].

MAN IN SUIT:  Yes, I would.  Anyway, I thought to myself that ham must have a soul, and that when it dies, it must go to Ham Heaven. [switch back to view of Interviewer, now outside, still leaning forward in his chair, pretending to be in the same room as Man in White Suit by nodding his head every so often.  We hear Man still talking.] And that's how I got the idea for a restaurant called Ham Heaven.

[Cut to picture of a tent in a shanty town]

SHOW HOST [voiceover]:  A single restaurant grew into a large chain.

[Cut to Man in Suit, holding a chain]
MAN IN SUIT: My momma taught me as a small boy to buy a chain two sizes two big, so that my restaurant could grow into it.

[Cut to picture of pastureland.]
SHOW HOST:  Soon, the entire country was swept into the Ham Heaven craze.  The secret?

MAN: I discovered early on that there are two things that make us American: our love of Christian fundamentalism and our love of ham.  Mix the two together, and you've got Ham Heaven.

[Cut to inside a Ham Heaven Restaurant.  On the wall are many cartoon pigs with halos and wings.  The waiters are also dressed in halos, wings, and pig snouts.  One approaches the camera.]

WAITER: [Two pig grunts, then in a southern accent] Welcome to Ham Heaven!

SHOW HOST [voiceover]:  As you can see, Ham Heaven International does nothing to hide its fundamentalist roots.  In fact, it has learned how to turn a literal interpretation of Scripture into a multi-billion dollar industry.

WAITRESS: [overenthusiatically]  We have ham & cheese, ham on rye, ham on pie, and of course our world-famous Ham Burger, 8 ounces of ham in a bun!

INTERVIEWER: [leaning forward in his chair, outside]: I understand that you also have [pause, Parisian hand-waving] specials, which focus [pronounced in a very rude way] on Biblical events?

WAITRESS: Yes, our specials are: Adham & Eve, The Little Town of Bethleham, The four-course ham of the Apocolypse, Sodham & Gomorrah, the Parting of the Red Sow, King Sowlomon, the Ark (that's both male and female ham), the Ten Comhamdments, the Code of Hammurabi (which isn't in the Bible but is very similar to the Ten Comhamdments), and the Abraham & Issac [pronounced I-sick], which is a favourite for bulemics.

[Picture on the wall of a crucifix and a ham and snake platter, saying "Don't get CROSS, try our SNAKE HAM-DLER PLATTER"]

SHOW HOST [voiceover]: This mixture of fundamentalist religion and ham has been so successful that other religions have been trying to copy the Ham Heaven formula, without much success. [Pictures of the restaurants appear on the screen as he names them.] The Roman Catholic "Hammaculate Conception", the Bhuddist "Path to Nirvhama", and the Jewish "Ham is Unclean" have all gone belly up-- pork belly up. [Picture of an upside-down cartoon pig].

INTERVIEWER: Do you feel that you are cheapening the Word of God by using it to sell ham?

MAN IN SUIT: I think that the Lord was very clear on this.  He said, "Ye cannot serve God and mammon." And we're not serving either of those things.  We're serving ham.  So it's fine.

INTERVIEWER:  Ham Heaven believes that, by spreading around the globe, it is spreading freedom.

MAN IN SUIT: We're opening in Red China next month.  Unfortunately, "Ham Heaven" in Chinese means "Slap the Stone Monkey."  Since Mao Tse-Tung's nickname was "the Stone Monkey", we thought we had better change the name.  So Ham Heaven will be known there as "The Great Wall of Swine-ah".

SHOW HOST [voiceover]: Others worry that Ham Heaven is really spreading fundamentalist indoctrination.

BRITISH PROFESSOR: I worry what this is doing to our children.

SHOW HOST: [While British Professor is doing a bad job pretending he's talking on a telephone] Doctor Quimby Naysayer is a professor of Religious Indifference at the University of Canada.

BRITISH PROFESSOR: I think that this restaurant chain is brainwashing our children with subtle Christian fundamentalist beliefs.  For instance, as you can see here, [pulls out a hambruger wrapper] printed on the wrapper of a hamburger, where a good corporate citizen like McDonald's would print "100% beef",  the Ham Heaven wrapper reads "Humans lived alongside dinosaurs".  Or look at some of these t-shirts that Ham Heaven was giving away during its "Be a Pig Event."  This one reads, "I'm a ham lover, not a hamosexual".  I think that these messages are warping children's minds so that they can't think for themselves.

INTERVIEWER:  But are not children stupid?

BRITISH PROFESSOR: Yes...

INTERVIEWER: So they cannot think for themselves, no matter what?

BRITISH PROFESSOR:  That's true...

INTERVIEWER: Are you a... hamosexual?

BRITISH PROFESSOR: [shrugs his shoulders]... I'm British.

SHOW HOST: I'm joined in studio with Jean Delicieux, who helped to put together this documentary.  Jean, what impressed you most about the global Ham Heaven empire?

INTERVIEWER: What impressed me most was the story of a young man named Kimbo Kuno, who had lost two hands, a leg, and his lower neck in the conflict, and who nonetheless hobbled from village to village for five days in order to cast his vote.

SHOW HOST:  [quietly] What's that got to do with Ham Heaven?

INTERVIEWER: Oh, I'm sorry, did you ask about Ham Heaven?  When you asked me what impressed me the most, I automatically thought of that anecdote, which I made up out of a composite of unimpressive anecdotes.

SHOW HOST: [hurt] You never listen to my questions.

INTERVIEWER: But you are so inane!

SHOW HOST:  Hamosexual... Well, wham-o ham-o, we're almost out of time, but if you have comments on what you've seen today, send them to capitalismthisweek@thehamnetwork.com
Here's what you had to say about our story last week on the factory farm industry: [texts appears on the screen as they are read]
Lisaxxx5 from Los Angeles writes: Do you want to see FREE live nude teen girls?  If you want to see FREE live nude teen girls, click on payforporn.com
Michael from Grand Cayman writes: capitalismthisweek, get your college degree NOW!  For only $50 U.S., you can get your Master's Degree or Doctorate from the experience you have now!  Contact the University of Grand Cayman to be evaluated by one of our academic counsellors.
John from Prague writes: Now you can get V.I.A.G.R.A. without a prescription!  Also, I think that if farmers were more aware of the long-term environmental effects of factory farming, they would not get into the practice in the first place.

That's all for Capitalidollarsignm thidollarsigns Week. Now stay tuned for Communism this week.

[A test pattern appears]

THE END.
 
 
 

See you next week!
 
 
 

Posted by chrisdye on August 8, 2002 with category tags of

7 comments

I'm surprised that it's possible to write a skit based on Ham and Religion and yet have such a lack of jewish jokes.
   comment by dustin (#1) on August 9, 2002, Rated it 4

The concept sounded dubious, but you've done a great job! The play between host and interviewer, the hypnotizing bit, hamosexuals, and the "God and Mammon" quote are hilarious. Maybe a few too many ham puns...?
   comment by Bryan (#22) on August 18, 2002, Rated it 5

Hysterical. Maybe a bit too Pythonesque, but I've been guilty of that myself on a number of occasions...
   comment by anonymous on July 15, 2003, Rated it 4

Maybe a little overboard on the ham puns but a great skit all-around.
   comment by vinny9 (#33) on August 7, 2003, Rated it 4

I cummed in my jeans when I read this. I think I may convert to hammosexuality...is that a religion?
   comment by anonymous on November 22, 2003, Rated it 5

I thought that this skit was quite clever, but it was kind of long. I don't know, I'm not exactly an expert on skits, but that was just my view. I'd love to see this as a video skit! It would be hilarious! It gets my stamp of approval!
   comment by anonymous on December 26, 2003, Rated it 5

HEAD OF ALL THE INSTITUTIONS & EVERYBODY, JULY 19, 2011
RESPECTED SIR,

>>>>>>>>ANIMALS’ CANNOT THINK / TELL TRUTH>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>EDUCATE A CHILD ALWAYS, ‘’HOW SHOULD NOT BE SLAUGHTERED LIKE GOAT / ANIMALS’ BY A FEMALE OR THEIR WRONG EDUCATORS’ IN REMOTE AREAS’’??????
WHETHER ANY CASTE????????????????????
WHY IS GOOD EDUCATION OR
ONLY FOR CHILDRENS’ TO MISGUIDE & SLAUGHTERED
AFTER A CHILD BORN, WHY STUDY & KEEP HIM SITTING
INFRONT OF ANY GOD
THINK & SEE, WHAT HAPPENS????????????? “THIS IS LITERATE CRIME”
GOOD WAS THERE, WORD GOD WAS MADE FOR LITERATE CRIME
WHY SO MANY RELIGIONS HAS BEEN CREATED????????????

Everybody can think on TRUTH. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN GOVERNMENTS / POLITICS WHOM WE CAN SAY THE AGENTS OF CRIMINALS OR CRIMINALS ARE THEIR GOD OTHERWISE HOW IT IS POSSIABLE LIKE THE DEATH OF FORMER PM OF INDIA LATE MRS. INDIRA GANDHI / MR. RAJEEV GANDHI OR OTHERS’ INCIDENTS ETC.

IN MY VIEWS THE SYSTEM SHOULD BE CHANGE AS UNDER OR THE BETTER / BEST SYSTEM SHOULD BE ARRANGED FOR FUTURE OF CHILDREN ALSO. WHY YOU THINK CHILDREN ARE AS GOOD AS ANIMALS’ & CAN ADJUST.

Learn from animals’ / dead bodies / WORLD to discuss as doctors’ learn to save humans and scientists’ learn for developments & safety. PLEASE DONOT LEAVE ANYTHING ON ANY GOD & THINK BETTER / BEST.

RESERVATION & BETTERMENT OF FEMALES SHOULD BE MORE THAN 100%, WHY 33% AND EVERYWHERE SHOULD BE FULL OF FEMALES OF ALL RELIGIONS.

LIKE 50% SHOULD BE FROM LOW INCOME GROUP OR FARMERS, WHO WORKS HARD FOR FOOD
10% SCHOOL STUDENTS’ INTERESTED IN POLITICS
10% COLLEGE STUDENTS’ INTERESTED IN POLITICS
10% TEACHERS’ BEST IN MATHS / SCIENCE / MEDICAL
10% DOCTORS’
10% SCIENTISTS’
IN ABOVE 30% LEARNED CATOGARIES MAY GUIDE OTHERS TO THINK BETTER / BEST.

-------------------Cont;2--------------------------



After finishing the EDUCATION doesn’t Marry & become A SAINTS’ to avoid all diseases & all corruptions. THINKING SHOULD BE BETTER / BEST. WHY TO MARRY & WHY A CHILD OR A MALE CHILD FOR SLAUGHTERED IN THIS ANIMALS’ WORLD??????????? BY THIS THE CHILDREN, WHO WILL MARRY AND WHO WILL NOT MARRY BOTH / EVERYBODY WILL HAVE FULL OF KNOWLEDGE. PEOPLE / CHILDREN SHOULD BE CAREFUL FROM SCHOOLS / CHILDHOOD.SELECT ATLEAST FEW TRUTH / GOOD POINTS FOR CHILDREN TO REACH AT THE BEST LIKE DR. ABDUL KALAM / SWAMI VIVEKANANDA / BILL GATES / RAHIM ETC. BUT DONOT SING A SONG ONLY OR DONOT LISTEN ANYTHING LIKE STORY OF ANYBODY AND THINKS TO DO BETTER / BEST FOR PEOPLE / CHILDREN OR THINK IN PRACTICAL FOR CHILDREN. THE HUMANS IN THE WORLD IS MOVING BECAUSE OF FARMERS, WHO’S WORKS HARD FOR FOOD. EVERYBODY WANTS BETTERMENT OF FEMALES, IS MARRIAGE NECESSARY TO THINK FOR BETTERMENT OF ALL FEMALES????? THE MAIN CORRUPTION IS THE GAP BETWEEN STUDY / THEORY / THEORITICAL AND PRACTICAL.
Differences between animals & humans is
‘Humans can think & have mind which can think for the best’
WHY & HOW to identify people by religion or country wise?????
Page no.47 (10th Line) The pride of man is due to his thinking and man are
different due to his thinking power only.
Above written in HINDI BOOK -----------VEDANTA IN PRACTICAL LIFE
Page no.24 (18th Line) To-day the EDUCATION given to females is not good. We should
give Progressive & Truth Education and it is not only from the books.
Page no.68 (12th Line) If we think & ask them, they have nine lives in INDIA like
Cats and Boys are dying like houseflies.
Above written in HINDI BOOK -----------Bhartiya Nari
Written by Swami Vivekananda
ATLEAST BY THINKING / WORKING LIKE DR. ABDUL KALAM / BILL GATES YOU MAY ALSO REACH TO BEST / EXECELLENT TO SAVE PEOPLE / CHILDREN FROM WRONG EDUCATORS’ / LITERATE CRIME. Think & you may RESEARCH, why Muslim males are giving their skin or a small portion of males’ organ in childhood & why females are having menses, while not in animals. There is theoretical & scientific reason & behind this reason of ETHICS is also there, you can also think. Other differences may be also RESEARCH for children. TELL THEM TRUTH. Why humans cannot think above neck, if you think below neck, you are male & female. IF A CHILD HAVE MIND OR SENSIBILITY TO THINK BECOME A BEST DOCTOR / SCIENTISTS TO SAVE HUMANS’ OR THINK ON TRUTH for best world for children by automatic system OR simple law AND insist for science to become a scientists for the best world by healing or other technologies like sensor / laser / Nano technology / remote / reiki etc. A CHILD / YOU MAY UNDERSTAND BY A PICTURE WHAT THEY DO OR HOW THEY DO.
FROM ; KISHAN JALAN, INDIA 0651—2200166 / 3279 & 033—22597321 / 7429 AND 0 98318 22701



   comment by jahira on July 19, 2011, Rated it 3

   

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