Ken Stretch's 2005 Valedictory address to McGill Arts
My friend Ken was given the honor of being valedictorian at his graduation ceremony. I didn't have a chance to see it, but reports tell me it received a standing O. I asked Ken for a copy, and with his permission am posting a transcript of it here.Valedictory Address for Arts B, June 2, 2005
Ken Stretch
Mister Chancellor, members of the platform party, fellow graduates and guests, mes ches amis, mesdames et messieurs bonjour and hello. Well, grads, you made it. You climbed the mountain of deadlines, textbooks, hernia inducing group projects, and comically inexperienced teaching assistants that is university to stand on a momentous precipice overlooking the rest of your life. As you gaze upon that beautiful vista of limitless possibility, thinking, "I wonder if anyone would notice if I took off my pants under this robe thingy", I have two simple words of advice for you: "don't panic." Now what I am not saying is that everything is going to be all right, and that all the important aspects of your future will gently fall into place, oh, say before September when your parents have informed you that you have to move out of their basement. I am not saying that. I am simply saying "Don't Panic."
Just relax. After the ceremony find yourself a pen and some paper and spend an afternoon writing out what it is you want to do with your life, and how you are going to accomplish it all. Then, once you've got it all figured out and know how it's all going to happen, take that piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it away. Because if there is one thing that I can promise you it's that things are not going to go the way you expected. Ah, but some of you are saying, this friend of mine has it all figured out, their life is coming together perfectly just as mine is sputtering along behind the cash register at Starbucks. Piffle. No one has all the answers at our age. And anyone who says they do is just setting themselves up for an unfortunate, convertible buying, toupee wearing mid-life crisis. Let me tell you this now, if you are going to freak out, dye your hair three colours, and pierce your face; its better that you do it when you are a kid, than when you have kids.
Oh, and about our age. We are so young. So young. There are several jurisdictions where we aren't even old enough to rent a car. So, what does that tell you? That the man is keeping us young people down? No. Merely that at our age it is expected that we are going to crash a few times before we really get going. There are going to be false-starts and wrong paths. You could even spend two whole years learning Klingon or working as the night manager at staples, and you would still only be what, twenty four?
As for false-starts and wrong choices, don't spend too much time doubting yourself or your decisions. 25 years from now you aren't going to regret the bad choices you made and the foolish things you did, you are only ever going to regret the opportunities that passed you by because you were too afraid to take a chance. Don't believe me? Ask your parents. What you will hear is "I wish I'd gone to Europe when I was young" or "boy, I wonder what would have happened if I'd taken that job offer in Taiwan." What you won't hear is, "getting turned down for that date when I was 23 has really haunted me." So go forth, do what you're unsure of, because if you don't you will never know how it might have worked out. And that uncertainty, that regret, more than any mistake you could ever make, is what will gnaw at you as the years pass.
Now, I have to warn you that much of the preparation and learning that we have done in this fine institution will not actually be applicable out there in the real world. For starters, no one cares if you can properly format a bibliography. It's true. All those hours carefully placing commas and italics will never help you get a job, or a date, or fix your car when it has stalled in the middle of an intersection in January. Also, knowing how to properly frame an academic argument is not at all useful in day-to-day life. If your spouse or partner asks you how the dinner they just made for you was, and you begin by referencing other dinners you've had, discussing the normative aspects of green beans as opposed to kidney beans, and conclude by listing a number of ways said meal could be improved upon, you will likely find yourself sitting on the curb beside a hastily packed suitcase.
There are some things you learned in university, though, which will help you out along the way. You know exactly how long you can put off writing that 25 page paper to watch Simpsons reruns, and still get a B. You know how to ask for money from your parents in such a way that all the blame falls on broader economic trends and government funding cuts to education, while your new jeans or pitcher buying spree at Bifteck are never mentioned. You also learned, I hope, that there is more out there to know than one person can ever grasp. This has three important implications for the rest of your life. First, don't try to be a know-it-all: it was unappealing when you were fourteen and will be down right obnoxious at forty. Second, get used to asking for help. If you don't know how to fix your plumbing or invest your money it's okay, as long as you ask for help. Try to fix your own plumbing or invest your own money, though, without having a clue what you are doing, and your life savings will be the only things going down the drain. Third, you can never stop learning. The goal post of what you need to know won't stop moving just because you've got your degree. The blinking 12 o'clock on your grandparents VCR should always be in your mind, because if you ever stop learning those lights will one day be hopelessly blinking on your VCR.
Et ne vous attardez pas trop à vous comparer constamment à vos voisins et à vous demander s'ils réussissent mieux que vous. On fait tous des choix dans la vie; on sacrifice toujours une chose pour une autre, mais trop souvent on ne voit que les gains des autres et non le prix qu'ils ont payé. C'est à vous de décider ce qui vous est important pour vous, et non pas ce qui intéresse les autres. C'est justement en se retournant pour surveiller les autres, qu'on oublie ce qui est droit devant soi: ses amis, sa famille, ses aptitudes et ses passions. C'est là qu'on trouve la joie.
Now, to the question that keeps you up at night, and grays your parents' hair. What are you going to do with an arts degree? It all seemed so simple going in: sociology majors would be sociopaths, psychology majors would be psychopaths, and political science majors would be politicians, but now you know that those aren't careers so much as horrible blights on our society. So, what can you do then? Just find what you enjoy doing, and get good at it. Proficiency in anything is so rare in our world that it is bound to be rewarded. Your arts degree is not like a chemistry degree or a dentistry degree. It does not denote a defined set of skills which can be applied to a particular field. Your arts degree says, I am capable of learning. It says I can adapt to new situations and fit a changing set of requirements. Now, going to a job interview and saying, "I can change" is not going to get you a six figure salary. So what you have to do is go out and keep changing until you find something you love. And don't worry if this takes ten years, because all experience is good experience.
On behalf of the students assembled here I would like to thank the faculty and staff of McGill University for giving us a great education, and I would like to thank our parents and friends for giving us love and support. I would also like to leave you with two final thoughts. First, don't panic. If you don't have plans for the rest of your life, or if your life plans don't go the way you expected, don't panic. Keep learning, keep taking chances, and never forget what is important in your life and you will always find a way to be happy. And if you remember nothing else from my comments here today remember this: your life will take to you to many wonderful and unexpected places in the coming years, places you cannot even imagine now, but you must remember that in most of those places, unlike in dear old Montreal, they do give out tickets for jaywalking. Thank you and good luck.
| Posted by dustin on June 5, 2005 with category tags of Montreal |
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