Girly Phone

I wrote this without using a cell phone more than three times. And no, I do not live in a shack in Montana.

It's Kentucky.

(We are in a library. There is a crowd of people, sitting and reading at a desk. At the front is a man with two girls, one on either side of him. Suddenly, the silence is broken by the custom ring-tone of a cell phone. It plays the girly song of the day like "Soak Up the Sun" or "Complicated," for the purposes of this draft we will use the latter. The man begins to reach for his phone but catches himself. It continues to ring as more annoyed faces turn and glare at him.)

Girl: Pick it up Avril.

(There is no response; she nudges him)

Man: I'm sorry?

Girl: Your phone. The one blaring "Complicated." Answer it, I'm trying to work. (She turns her head back to her book)

Man: (looks around) That's not my phone.

(The girl on his other side turns to speak)

Girl 2: The noisy phone on your hip that's lighting up and vibrating isn't yours?

Man: (to her) Stay out of this. This...woman here is insulting me. (To Girl 1) Now, the phone that is ringing obviously belongs to a girl.

Girl: Look, buddy. I'm not judging you. I just want to get some work done.

Girl 2: Yeah, so just answer your phone.

Man: (to Girl 2; vastly irritated) Please, madam. (To Girl 1) Now see here. I don't like your insinuating that I am the gay. (Growing very angry) I only came to this library to read the newest Tiger Beat in peace! Now, please, find the real culprit and leave me be!

Girl: Just shut off your phone!

Girl 2: Please!

Man: (shouting) I'll deal with you in a minute! (To Girl 1) That is not my phone! This is my phone!

(He lifts up his cell phone and the music grows louder)

Man: (to Girl 2) And you need to mind your own business.

(Girl 1 takes his cell phone and beats him violently with it. The phone is broken, the man presumed dead but the music continues. All eyes slowly move to Girl 2 who is in shock. She slowly opens her purse and pulls out the cell phone.)

Girl 2: (slowly) My God... It was mine all along...

(She answers the phone)

Phone: You have one message. Recorded seven minutes ago. Beep!

Man: (through phone) Hello. I'm, uh, sitting next to you in the library. And I, uh, well, I don't usually do this, but would you like to have dinner with me, maybe? Call me.

(She throws her head back dramatically)

Girl 2: Nooooooooo!

(Everyone freezes and a man in a suit walks out.)

Man: Hello. I'm Mort, the moral giver. Today's moral is: (he opens a fortune cookie and reads it) You will only win mediocrity in whatever calling you adopt. I guess...that doesn't really apply, but it'll do. Drive safely.

(He waves goodbye.)

Posted by Ramso on May 21, 2003 with category tags of Skit

5 comments
I think it's lovely. The Tiger Beat line is my favorite.
→ comment by dustin (#1) on May 22, 2003, Rated it 4

That was really funny. Thanks for the laugh.
→ comment by anonymous on June 13, 2003, Rated it 4

Well, Its not bad, I suppose. But Its really not something I'd be proud to call my own. It's just so . . . over done I suppose
Sorry.
→ comment by anonymous on July 13, 2003, Rated it 3

Yet again, logic takes too much of a back seat. If he has the guts to sit between two chicks he would have the guts to ask her out face to face. How do we know it's him on the voicemail unless he has a disctinctive voice? Think about the audience, not someone reading the script.

A girls says his phone is lit up and vibrating. Was it or not? Why would she say that unless it was? If it was why wouldn't he answer it when the ringing would not stop and therefore it would be clearly not his phone ringing? What are the chances of two phones with the same custom ring ringing at exactly the same time?

This sketch lives or dies by the situation and situation doesn't work.

The dialogue's bareable but needs work. The ending is trying to Python but doesn't have the charm or wild insanity Python has.
→ comment by anonymous on July 14, 2003, Rated it 2

1. Perhaps the two girls sat down around him. He could've been there first.

2. He is the only male character speaking in this sketch to this point. I think the audience will be smart enough to realize that it is his voice within the context of the sketch.

3. The phone was lit up and vibrating. It was doing this in lieu of making an audible ringing sound. This man is obviously very stubborn in his pursuits as indicated by his constant dismissal of the second girl. He is now very intent on making his point clear with this woman that he ignores his own phone.

4. The end is trying to be Python, I agree. And I will also acknowledge that there is no way I could live up the standards set by the troupe.

Thank you for your comments. I hope I helped you, but I probably just made you hate the sketch even more.
→ comment by anonymous on July 14, 2003

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