Let's Iraq'n RollWith apologies to the publishers of last week's "Degas" skit, as well as foreigners, victims of international armed conflict, and lovers of good comedy...
[A very important general, a.k.a. "G", stands in front of the podium with a picture of the Pentagon on it.]
GENERAL: Good evening. I am here to give you a briefing on our decision to bomb Iraq. We are beginning the first phase by attacking Iraqi intelligence installations. We began at oh-nine-hundred hours. Questions?
[Various nameless, faceless reporters, a.k.a. "R", ask questions]
R: General, are we to understand that you are going to attack a rock?
G: Yes, that is correct, we are attacking Iraq as we speak.
R: Why are we attacking a rock? Is there something underneath the rock? Is it a special kind of rock?
G: No, we are not attacking a rock, we are attacking Iraq, the country.
R: We're attacking a rock in the country? Wouldn't it be more effective to attack city rocks?
[A less impressive general, with a slightly more northern accent, a.k.a. "G2", appears]
G2: I believe that what the general is trying to say is that we are attacking Iraq.
[Noises of comprehension from the press corps]
R: General, what kind of rack will we be targeting? A coat rack? A tie rack? A medieval torture device?
G: No, no, not a rack, Iraq.
R: General, just to get it straight, are we talking about a rack or a rock?
G: Neither, we're talking about the nation of Iraq. Perhaps I could get on with the briefing. We will be attacking strategic installations in Baghdad…[hears grumblings from the press corps] What?
R: General, we're unclear on this concept of "Bagged Ad", do you mean those advertisements that are put in a plastic bag and left on our doorhandles, and if so, do we really need a sustained Apache missile attack to deal with them?
G: No, I didn't say "bagged ads", I said Baghdad…You know, the 800-year-old city? On the Euphrates?
R: Are you calling us "fraidies"? Isn't it our soldiers who should be afraid?
[Meeting gets out of order. Amongst the mumbles, someone is heard to say, in a hurt 8- year-old way, "I'm not a fraidy, you're a fraidy"]
G: Listen, I didn't call any of the members of the press corps "fraidies". I'm sure you're all very brave. I was just making the point that Iraqi intelligence is based in Baghdad.
R: Sir, I was given to believe that rocks are anonymous and have no intelligence.
G: [insistent] Oh no, we're not talking about rocks again.
R: General, perhaps I can clarify. When you say "Iraqi intelligence", you are not talking about individual rocks, but rather the Rocky Mountains. Is that correct?
R: Sir, wouldn't you say that Rocky intelligence is centred in Denver?
G: No, I would not say that at all. I am not talking about the Rocky Mountains, I am talking about the nation of Iraq, in the Middle East.
R: So you're not bombing Denver?
G: No, that is correct.
R: Would you consider bombing Denver?
R: What kinds of bombs will you be using?
G: Oh, are we done with pun-related questions? [pauses to make sure]. O.K. What do you mean, what kind of bombs will we be using?
R: Will you be using big, splody ones?
G: Yes. We will be launching sorties with our allies from France.
R: Sir, who is Fran and how many of our allies does she have in her house?
G: I don't follow.
R: You said our allies would be from Fran's house.
G: No, I said they would be from France. [pause] You know, the country with the Eiffel tower?
R: What makes it so awful?
G: Have you never heard of anywhere outside the borders of the United States? Or are you just from some sort of pun society?
[We hear the reporters all answer quietly. Some say, "I'm from the Pun Society," while other reporters say things like "Geez, we've been talking about places outside the U.S.?"]
G2: All right, could all of the correspondents from the pun society please follow me?
[About half the reporters leave. One of them on the way out says, "That was brief!"]
G: All right. Now for the rest of you, let me make this clear. I am going to be referring to many foreign place names. They may sound silly, but they are all foreign place names.
R: Do you have any military targets inside the United States?
G: NO! No! [patronizingly] We are attacking other countries. That's…what…armies…do…they attack other countries.
[nods and furious note-taking by reporters]
G: Right. I'll continue. We will be launching sorties from our bases in Turkey and Bahrain…
R: Sir, just to be clear, before our planes take off, they will be basted in turkey brains?
G: No! Turkey and Bahrain are countries.
R: Sir, the entire press corps finds that you are a lot more comprehensible when you speak in a patronizing tone. Would you mind continuing in that tone?
G: Umm, yes, I suppose I could. [patronizingly] We're going to be attacking Iraq, you know, the country? We're going to be using planes, which are going to drop big, splody bombs . And we're doing this to make the people in Iraqi intelligence facilities so sad… Any questions? [pause]. Very well. That concludes this briefing.
[Reporters do nothing]
G: It's o-ver.
[Reporters stand up, pick up papers, leave, etc.]
Written by chrisdye