Let's Iraq'n Roll

With apologies to the publishers of last week's "Degas" skit, as well as foreigners, victims of international armed conflict, and lovers of good comedy...

[A very important general, a.k.a. "G", stands in front of the podium with a picture of the Pentagon on it.]

GENERAL: Good evening. I am here to give you a briefing on our decision to bomb Iraq. We are beginning the first phase by attacking Iraqi intelligence installations. We began at oh-nine-hundred hours. Questions?

[Various nameless, faceless reporters, a.k.a. "R", ask questions]

R: General, are we to understand that you are going to attack a rock?

G: Yes, that is correct, we are attacking Iraq as we speak.

R: Why are we attacking a rock? Is there something underneath the rock? Is it a special kind of rock?

G: No, we are not attacking a rock, we are attacking Iraq, the country.

R: We're attacking a rock in the country? Wouldn't it be more effective to attack city rocks?

[A less impressive general, with a slightly more northern accent, a.k.a. "G2", appears]

G2: I believe that what the general is trying to say is that we are attacking Iraq.

[Noises of comprehension from the press corps]

R: General, what kind of rack will we be targeting? A coat rack? A tie rack? A medieval torture device?

G: No, no, not a rack, Iraq.

R: General, just to get it straight, are we talking about a rack or a rock?

G: Neither, we're talking about the nation of Iraq. Perhaps I could get on with the briefing. We will be attacking strategic installations in Baghdad…[hears grumblings from the press corps] What?

R: General, we're unclear on this concept of "Bagged Ad", do you mean those advertisements that are put in a plastic bag and left on our doorhandles, and if so, do we really need a sustained Apache missile attack to deal with them?

G: No, I didn't say "bagged ads", I said Baghdad…You know, the 800-year-old city? On the Euphrates?

R: Are you calling us "fraidies"? Isn't it our soldiers who should be afraid?

G: What?

[Meeting gets out of order. Amongst the mumbles, someone is heard to say, in a hurt 8- year-old way, "I'm not a fraidy, you're a fraidy"]

G: Listen, I didn't call any of the members of the press corps "fraidies". I'm sure you're all very brave. I was just making the point that Iraqi intelligence is based in Baghdad.

R: Sir, I was given to believe that rocks are anonymous and have no intelligence.

G: [insistent] Oh no, we're not talking about rocks again.

R: General, perhaps I can clarify. When you say "Iraqi intelligence", you are not talking about individual rocks, but rather the Rocky Mountains. Is that correct?

G: No!

R: Sir, wouldn't you say that Rocky intelligence is centred in Denver?

G: No, I would not say that at all. I am not talking about the Rocky Mountains, I am talking about the nation of Iraq, in the Middle East.

R: So you're not bombing Denver?

G: No, that is correct.

R: Would you consider bombing Denver?

G: No.

R: What kinds of bombs will you be using?

G: Oh, are we done with pun-related questions? [pauses to make sure]. O.K. What do you mean, what kind of bombs will we be using?

R: Will you be using big, splody ones?

G: Yes. We will be launching sorties with our allies from France.

R: Sir, who is Fran and how many of our allies does she have in her house?

G: I don't follow.

R: You said our allies would be from Fran's house.

G: No, I said they would be from France. [pause] You know, the country with the Eiffel tower?

R: What makes it so awful?

G: Have you never heard of anywhere outside the borders of the United States? Or are you just from some sort of pun society?

[We hear the reporters all answer quietly. Some say, "I'm from the Pun Society," while other reporters say things like "Geez, we've been talking about places outside the U.S.?"]

G2: All right, could all of the correspondents from the pun society please follow me?

[About half the reporters leave. One of them on the way out says, "That was brief!"]

G: All right. Now for the rest of you, let me make this clear. I am going to be referring to many foreign place names. They may sound silly, but they are all foreign place names.

R: Do you have any military targets inside the United States?

G: NO! No! [patronizingly] We are attacking other countries. That's…what…armies…do…they attack other countries.

[nods and furious note-taking by reporters]

G: Right. I'll continue. We will be launching sorties from our bases in Turkey and Bahrain…

R: Sir, just to be clear, before our planes take off, they will be basted in turkey brains?

G: No! Turkey and Bahrain are countries.

[Reporters: "oh!"]

R: Sir, the entire press corps finds that you are a lot more comprehensible when you speak in a patronizing tone. Would you mind continuing in that tone?

G: Umm, yes, I suppose I could. [patronizingly] We're going to be attacking Iraq, you know, the country? We're going to be using planes, which are going to drop big, splody bombs . And we're doing this to make the people in Iraqi intelligence facilities so sad… Any questions? [pause]. Very well. That concludes this briefing.

[Reporters do nothing]

G: It's o-ver.

[Reporters stand up, pick up papers, leave, etc.]

Posted by chrisdye on September 27, 2002 with category tags of

8 comments
really funny! you made puns funny, then made fun of puns! and americans...
   comment by Mariana (#35) on September 27, 2002, Rated it 4

I am Senor Chronomorph and I declare this skit to be superb! Some of the puns kind of stretch it but I must congratulate this Chrisdye fellow on another job well done.
   comment by Chronomorph (#11) on October 11, 2002, Rated it 4

I have to say this is the best skit I have read yet:-)
   comment by mrsbeccajones (#75) on April 30, 2003, Rated it 5

Excellent skit Chris, i am pleased to see you focusing your time and energy on mocking the US press corp; those bastards.
   comment by stretch (#87) on July 30, 2003

Go you!!!!!!! 5+you=orgasmic!!!!
   comment by me me me on January 6, 2004, Rated it 5

Who was R?
   comment by Ze on January 6, 2004, Rated it 5

WHo was G?
   comment by AlexDelage (#140) on February 13, 2004

Awesome, this is really good. I didn't think you bringing out the fact that they were making puns was gonna be good but you mad it work great. I think it's Hilarious, It appeals to the intelligent humor connoisseur and the common man alike.
   comment by trckands on April 2, 2004, Rated it 5

   

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