Ninjiraffe

You know, if you have ninjas in a skit, it's always really good.

NINJIRAFFE

 

[Two ninjas appear on stage, facing each other]

 

Ninja 1: Sensei!

 

Ninja 2: Sensei!

 

Ninja 1 & Ninja 2: [together, loud] Battle!

 

[The two ninjas battle in ninja style.  At the end of the battle, Ninja 1 is hit.  He makes the sound of a slowly deflating balloon.  As he does this, he acts as if he himself is deflating, until he ends up in a crumpled pile on the floor.  Ninja 3 appears, the two of them face each other.]

 

Ninja 2: Sensei!

 

Ninja 3: Sensei!

 

Ninja 2 & 3: [together, loud] Battle!

 

[The two ninjas battle in ninja style.  Ninja 3 is hit and starts deflating, much as Ninja 1.  As he deflates, eh takes one last strike at Ninja 2, who then begins to deflate himself.  After a spectacle of about 15 seconds, all three ninjas are piled up on the floor. A few seconds of peace.  Then a greasemonkey with a bicycle pump walks in nonchalantly.  He walks over to each ninja, inserts the bicycle pump pin into the ninja, and nonchalantly pumps them up.  Oncve inflated, the ninjas strike a motionless battle pose.  Once all three are fully inflated, the greasemonkey walks calmly away.  A balladeer walks onstage.  He has long hari parted in the middle, glasses, a plaid shirt, and a guitar.  He arrives at center stage, in front of the ninjas, and sings to the tune of John Denver’s “You Fill up My Senses”]

 

Balladeer:

You fill up my senseis

When they get too deflated

After they’ve been in battle

Come fill them again!

 

[The scene switches to an Entertainment Tonight-style show.]

 

Patty the Announcer:  That was a clip from the video for “You Fill Up My Senseis” by John Denver.  Let’s go now to the city that was named after him, the Colorado capital of John.

 

[The scene switches to a correspondent standing on the streets of John]

 

Correspondent: Yes, thank-you Patty.  Yes, I’m reporting live from downtown John, a city full of crime and dirty, dirty lewdness.  I was taken for a tour of the city with the new mayor, Patrick Cakes, to show us how he intends to clean up the city.

 

[Scene switches to Correspondent in a car driven by Cakes.  They pass many prostitutes and crudely-painted giraffes.]

 

Cakes:  I got elected to clean up this city.  And the first place we need to clean up is the Red Light District.  It was called that because it used to be the headquarters of the Communist lightbulb manufacturer, “Kommandant Elektrik” , but now the district’s been over-run by prostitutes.

 

Correspondents: So much so that I hear that the name of this city is used to refer to the clients of prostitutes.

 

Cakes: Yeah, around here, we call them “Denvers”. 

 

Correspondent:  How do you plan to get rid of them?

 

Cakes: We plan a series of sting operations, which is what we call the release of killer bees into the neighbourhood.

 

Correspondent:  And this will make your city safer?

 

Cakes:  For bees, yes.  Unless they’re non-Africanized bees.

 

Correspondent:  I see as we’re driving that there are a lot of giraffes painted on the sides of public buildings.

 

Cakes: Yes, that’s another problem.  Punk giraffes have taken over the streets at night. City property is covered with giraffiti.

 

Correspondent:  Why are there so many giraffes in this town compared to other large American cities?

 

Cakes: It all started when some scientists took some 20 million year-old giraffe DNA from a tsetse fly fossil and created a new race of prehistoric giraffes to promote tourism.

 

Correspondent:  Why didn’t they use modern giraffe DNA.

 

Cakes:  They wanted DNA from the Giraffic Era.  Anyway, they set up this Giraffic Park on an island outside of town, they got loose, started terrorizing the population, you know the drill.

 

Correspondent:  An island outside of town?  This is Colorado; the closest island is probably Hawaii…

Cakes:  Yeah, those mothers can swim like you wouldn’t believe.  It’s those long necks.

 

Correspondent:  I suppose that you’ll also be using bees to get rid of the giraffes.

 

Cakes:  Oh, no.  Giraffes aren’t scared of Africanized bees.  Giraffes are from Africa. 

 

[Scene switches back to correspondent talking to the camera]

 

Correspondent:  Of course, some giraffes have taken offence to the mayor’s statements.

 

[The scene switches to a picture of one of those old-time tape recorders with the big rolls.  On the bottom, the caption reads, “Voice of giraffe”. ]

 

Disembodied Giraffe Voice: First of all, you don’t have the right to label us as giraffes, we are African Americans.  Second, do you think that we won’t be scared of killer bees just because they’re African, too?  That is racist!  I demand that the mayor subject us to killer bees in the same way as he would to any other citizen!

 

[Scene switches to correspondent talking to camera]

 

Correspondent: Of course, some African Americans are taking offence to the giraffe’s statements.

 

[Scene switches to African American guy talking to the camera]

 

Guy: Did you just call me a giraffe?  Is that what you just called me?

 

[We see jiggly shots as cameraman runs away]

 

[Scene switches back to Patty the Announcer]

 

Patty the announcer:  Speaking of giraffes, our guest tomorrow will be Janeane Giraffalo.  And as we say goodnight, let us leave you with scenes from an anti-prostitution rally in downtown John.  Goodnight!

 

[Scene shifts to a gathering in a park as credits roll across screen .  Crowd  holding hands in the air, some have candles, and they are all singing…]

 

Crowd:

All we are saying

Is give bees a chance

All we are saying

Is give bees a chance

All we are saying…

 

FIN.

 

Posted by chrisdye on October 4, 2002 with category tags of

7 comments
Chris, this is absolutely genius. No - seriously. I love-love-love it. The absurdity, the stream of consciousness, the funny ("African Americans"! "Give bees a chance"! "Punk giraffes"! Inflatable ninjas!). Only real groan is the superfluous "Janeane Giraffalo" joke. Maybe ninjas could attack at the end?
   comment by Sean (#34) on October 6, 2002, Rated it 5

Excellent, just excellent.
   comment by Chronomorph (#11) on October 11, 2002, Rated it 5

i agree with everything.
   comment by dustin (#1) on March 2, 2003, Rated it 5

Daft and unfunny. The ninja sketch is like something out of Benny Hill and Benny Hill was around in the mid-70s.

Almost no jokes. Imagine watching this. Would you really laugh your ass off? What at? The Puns? You're really not sick of puns like that yet? The surreal element? There's no wit to it and there's no surreal logic to it (even surreal jokes have to be funny).
   comment by anonymous on July 14, 2003, Rated it 1

Ignore the hater, this rules. It's totally insane. How much sugar/caffeine/drugs had you consumed before you wrote this?
   comment by anonymous on July 15, 2003, Rated it 5

Excellent skit. Don't know how I went this long without seeing this Ninja skit. The Girafolo pun is a bit much, as is the "Give bees a chance" but the rest is good stuff. Liked the Patrick Cakes joke, glad you didn't hit anyone over the head with it.
   comment by vinny9 (#33) on October 31, 2003, Rated it 4

I laughed my giraffe's ass off.
The only thing would be to bring it full circle, perhaps have the ninjas in the final crowd scene.
   comment by Snicker on May 13, 2004, Rated it 5

   

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