Dracula HahahahahaDracula has taken so much from society. Now it's his turn to give something back.
[Mother Theresa is caring for a small, poor child. Hiding around the corner, in the shadows, is Dracula, in cape with fangs etc.]
MOTHER: There you are, child. Be well, and may god's love cure your horrible, horrible, sexually transmitted disease.
[She yawns. She is tired from a long day.]
Oof! I am so tired from this long day. I will go home and sleep for two hours before rising again to help the poor, sickly, and racially disadvantaged.
[She seems about to leave.]
[Manuel comes rushing towards her.]
MANUEL: Mother Theresa, Mother Theresa! Before you go, please take this humble garlic I have grown. It is the least I can do to thank you for soothing my herpes.
THERESA: No! I could take no such thing from you.
MANUEL: But it is so fragrant!
THERESA: I lead a simple life. I do not need it. God be with you.
MANUEL: What about this wooden crucifix I carved by hand as I lay in the ditch covered in blisters. A humble token, but perhaps a holy one.
THERESA: I have have many crucifixes. Keep it as a sign of God's love.
MANUEL: [Desperately] Then please - please! - take this Guide to Preventing Vampire Attacks! You never know when it will come in handy!
THERESA: What need have I for such a book? Who would harm a kind old lady with god's holy and mighty blood flowing in her veins!?
[Theresa leaves, she walks confidently through the alley. She is attacked by Dracula who sucks her blood and in so doing kills her. Dracula makes vicious, animal feeding noises.]
DRACULA: Oh no! No no! What have I done! Killed Theresa Mother! Mother Theresa! Sweet, sweet, kind Theresa, the saint of Calcutta, the mother to millions, the priestess of the poor. The white lady of the sweet sweet blood- No! It is not sweet! Not in my evil veins! I am a monster. But no longer! This will not continue! From this day forward, I will only do good! I will emerge like the butterfly from the chrysalis, like bee from the sticky pupa! Count Dracula will be a servant of all that is righteous and fluffy puffy.
[cut to -> Ding dong! (and I mean DONG!)]
Dracula and a girl guide at a door.
D: would you like to buy some cookies?
woman: not from you, you monster!
[other girl guide starts crying. She is wearing braces.]
Girl: I have to wear the headgear for three weeks!
D: I don't think that she was talking to you.
[cut to -> Hallowe'en party]
Dracula: I was thinking I could play the wolfman.
Girl: well, actually we were thinking you could play the vampire.
Darcula: (Sigh) fine.
[cut to -> English as a Second Language class]
Dracula: Repeat after me, "I vant to suck yore blood!"
class: "I vant to suck yore blood!"
D: Good. Very fluffy puffy.
[cut to -> bingo hall]
Dracula: B 11, that's bingo legs. B 11.
lady: He's lying, he wants to make his own card win!
other lady: Yeah, 'cause he's fuckin' Dracula!
Dracula: No, no please.
[cut to -> blood bank]
lady: and what type are you?
Dracula: Uhh, I'm not...sure.
lady: Sir, could you take your cloak away from your face?
Dracula: Uh, no.
Lady: please, sir. (removes cloak, is shocked)
Dracula: I'm so sorry, I just want--
Lady: Get out. Get out.
[cut to -> The crocodile hunter]
Steve: Crikey! I was finally bitten! It was only a matter of time, I guess. Well, it's been a...pointless life, I guess.
Dracula puts down the camera
Dracula: Wait Steve, Let me suck the poison out.
Steve: No, get away from me, you freak!
Dracula: Please! I learned how! I just want to be fluffy puffy.
[cut to -> campaign commercial]
Dracula: Are you tired of the governemt sucking the blood from this country? Well, vote for the progressive Vampires. Working for a new tomorrow...today! At night!
[Paul Simon's "I Know What I Know" starts quietly in the background. Dracula comes onstage and dances slowly.]
voiceover: in the end, he turns evil. Again.
Written by McImprov