The Homo-Erotic Adventures of He-Man

[Deep within the Delaware museum of natural history]

Curator: The Great Unit of Nastiness has been stolen!? This cannot be! It’s evil power could well tear the world asunder! Noooooooo!

[He starts to cry]

[Meanwhile, in San Francisco, in the Eternia Castle Apartments, Prince Adam is watching Delaware news reporting on the theft of the Great Unit of Nastiness}

Prince: Thank god San Francisco basic cable gets Delaware public access TV (at least on this side of the bridge). Otherwise I wouldn’t have known that the Great Unit of Nastiness was stolen! This looks like a job for He-Man!

[Prince Adam walks up to the TV and licks it]

Prince: Tastes like a job for He-Man too!

[Prince Adam walks into a closet, stays there for a few seconds and emerges with a sword. He raises it high above his head]

Prince: By the power of Gay-Skull! I have the power!

[Music "I’ve Got the Power" begins top play, disco lights begin to flash and a disco ball lowers as He-Man begins dancing]

[Enter Mr. Bottles, a kitten]

Mr. Bottles(MB): Meow.

He-Man(HM): Oh meow yourself Mr. Bottles, let’s go save the world.

[HM takes a step forward and pauses]

HM: But first I need to adjust my loincloth.

[Cut to HM carrying MB down the stairs]

HM: Oh, Mr. Bottles, your no good for riding. Not like the pizza boy from last night.

[Hm opens the door to the parking garage and walks in]

HM: We’ll ride Battlecat!

[HM pushes a button on his car keys and a car beeps, the camera pans to reveal a large pink Cadillac complete with fins and the word "Battlecat" written in red]

[Cut to Skeletor’s(S) lair. S is lying face down on the floor.]

S: Ohh, what happened last night?

[He lifts his head up and sees and empty flask in front of him]

S: Oh.

[He looks to his left and sees an empty bottle of bourbon and an empty bottle of vodka]

S: Right…

[He looks to his right and sees the Great Unit of Nastiness (a giant dildo). He rubs his butt]

S: God, I hope not.

[S stands up with the Unit in hand]

Now that I have this sizeable unit no one will be able to stop me. [laughs maniacally] Now I just have to figure out how it works. Maybe if I stroke it a genie will splurt out. Or perhaps it needs a vigorous polishing…

[HM bursts in alongside MB]

HM: Stop right there Skeletor. I have come to stop your evil plan.

[HM pauses and looks at the Unit]

HM: [flirtatiously] Oh, my, who’s your friend?

S: You fool! That’s the Great Unit of Nastiness, and it will cause you great pain and discomfort!

HM: Oh, Skeletor. I didn’t know you were into S&M, you should have told me. I know this great little club, "Snake Mountain" on Church street. It’s divine.

S: Bah! I don’t think you understand He-Man. Before I am through with you, you will be begging me to stop!

HM: Oh wow, you really know how to turn a guy on.

[HM looks down]

HM: I think I need a bigger loincloth.

[Suddenly HM looks aghast. He glares at S]

HM: Wait a minute I know what you’re trying to do. You want to trick me! You only want to use me [sniffles]. Well I’m not some pincushion that can be thrown away after being poked and prodded repeatedly. [Yells] NOT THIS TIME!! Get him Mr. Bottles!

[MB runs up to HM and rubs against his leg]

MB: Meow.

HM: Mr. Bottles! You’re supposed to be attacking Skeletor. Aww, how could I stay mad at you.

[HM picks up MB and snuggles him against his face, then puts him back down]

S; Muahahaha! Is that your best. It will take more than a little pussy to defeat me! Panthor, attack!

[Panthor, S’s pet purple tiger runs into the room and chases out MB]

HM: Hmmm, time to bring out the big guns. Skeletor I shall skewer you with my man-sword.

[HM pulls out his sword and begins to fight against S who is using the Unit as a sword. After exchanging a few blows they lock ‘swords’. They stare at each other as they both pant heavily and sweat profusely.]

[Cut to them both in bed, HM is smoking a cigarette. The camera pans to the side of the bed where MB is lying on top of Panthor and they are both smoking. The camera returns to the bed where S is looking around slowly, and nervously]

S: This doesn’t make me gay does it?

HM: [playfully] Nooooo, but this tickle-attack will!

END SCENE