Lost Actors
Aren't there actors from way back when who you'd just love to see get work again!? Anyway this is co-written by Michael Joffee[Scene begins in a cramped office, with a thin man in a short sleeve shirt, wearing a small tie and thick glasses. His room has photos hanging of various robots with their signatures. He is staring straight at the camera so he is the only one you see]
Agent: Look, Mr. Weinberg. Finding work for you hasn't been easy. You haven't had a good part in a looong time. But I got a very exciting call from a friend of mine yesterday, I think this part could be a good fit for you. I want you to go to this address tomorrow.
[Hands paper 'to camera', shot changes so that we see him hand the paper to the robot from Lost in Space. Said robot is a hulking machine with tubular arms, and a glass dome top, with three lights inside that rotate periodically]
[The robot always speaks in a perfectly monotone voice. Very electrical, never favoring one word over another in any sentence]
Robot (R) : BEEP BEEP. THANK YOU. FINALLY, A REAL PAYING JOB. GOODBYE NO NAME OILS, HELLO SYNTEC GOLD!
[Next scene has R in a nice looking bedroom. He is on the set of a Spanish soap opera (where people speak English). The director screams 'action']
R: OH WHERE HAS MY SWEET ROSA GONE? BEEP BEEP. (sad) BEEEEP.
[An attractive Hispanic woman walks in]
Juanita (J) : Oh Ronaldo I've found you at last.
R: BEEP BEEP. CALCULATING. BEEP BEEP. IT HAS BEEN EXACTLY 4 DAYS AND 152 MINUTES SINCE YOU TRICKED ME INTO COPULATING WITH YOU. … UNDER FALSE PRTETENSES.
J: I only did that to protect you. When Maria saw us together, she abandoned her plans to kidnap you.
R: REGARDLESS, SUCH WAS NOT THE DESIRED OUTCOME. MARIA'S PLAN WOULD NEVER HAVE SUCEEDED, BECAUSE I ONLY PROCESS FEELINGS FOR ROSA. I WOULD NEVER WANT TO NETWORK WITH ANYONE BUT HER.
J: Oh Ronaldo you beautiful fool, when will you realize love isn't always enough?
R: CALCULATING…ERROR. ERROR. LOVE IS ALWAYS ENOUGH…YOU SEX WORKER..
[J slaps him, her fake nails come off]
J: Oh Ronaldo, your words carry the tips of one thousand daggers.
[R takes J by the wrists and 'looks' at her with a fire in his eyes (his bulbs glow a little)]
R: BEEP BEEP. WOOP. I HAD CALCULATED A 97.3% CHANCE OF SLAPPING DURING OUR CONVERSATION. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. ROSA MAY BE GONE, BUT I CAN STILL REBOOT TO THE IMAGE FILES OF HER ON MY SOFT DRIVE.
J: You mean your hard drive?
R: BEEP. BOY DO I!
Director (D): Cut! Print that. Okay, Suzanne that was great. David, that's good stuff for your first scene. But do you think in the future you can show a little more emotion?
R: AFFIRMATIVE. PLEASE HOLD.
[R turns a knob on his side, with the word 'emotion' underneath it to a clicking noise, like that of a safe dial. He turns the knob from 'John Wayne' to 'David Duchovny' to 'Steve Guttenberg' ]
R: OPTIMUM EMOTION REACHED, STAND BY FOR ACTING.
[Oily tears leak from all around his glass helmet. As he's standing there, a man slips in the background]
Extra: Oh god, my back. It's broken! I'll never walk again!. Hey is this Syntec Gold?
[Fade]
D: Action!
[On a tropical island we see R all alone]
R: AND SO I HAVE CAST MYSELF AWAY FROM HUMAN SOCIETY. IF I CANNOT BE WITH MY PASSIONATE COITUS PARTNER ROSA, WHY BE WITH ANY HUMAN AT ALL? PERHAPS I CAN PROVIDE MYSELF WITH COMPANIONSHIP…BEEP. WOOP. PARTITIONING HARD DRIVE [the lights in his head spin rapidly]… COMPLETE.
[A woman runs towards R]
Rosa: Oh Ronaldo! You finally found me on this deserted tropical island. I thought this day would never come. But now that I've escaped from wave after wave of dashing pirates, we can be together. Together forever my love.
R: (Menacingly)HA HA BEEP HA.
Rosa: [Gasp] You are not my Ronaldo. Who are you.
R: BEEP BEEP HA. I AM CARLOS PEREZ. HIS EVIL IDENTICAL PARTITION!!
| Posted by Reverend_Jerry on September 26, 2003 with category tags of Skit |
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Written by Reverend_Jerry
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