Kings and King Related Material

Just like it happened back in the day with real monarchies.... well sort of....not really at all

Now featuring line-breaks!

Scene: The King’s castle, maybe in or around Renaissance times.... England.

Camera: Image of elaborate, royal castle. Fade to shot of King’s men waiting for King to arrive.

Two advisors waiting for King to arrive to thrown. The Servants are sort of nonchalont; they seem sort of American.

ADVISOR #1: So, uh, I hear the King is going to arrive soon.

ADVISOR #2: Yah. This should be good. He’s gonna declare his punishment or whatever for that murderer.

ADVISOR #1: (jokingly) Ouch! Wouldn’t want to be that guy right now!

They both laugh. ADVISOR #3 enters.

#3: Hey. So what’s the deal? Is the King coming?

#2: Yeah. He’s totally going to punish that guy!

#3: Oooh... that murderer? Oh man, that guy is *so* going to be tortured like no tomorrow.

#1: Yeah, it should be pretty good.

Suddenly, trumpets blare and they kneel as the KING enters the room with some servants. He soon sits on the thrown.

KING: (speaks in royal, pompous English accent, very elaborate) Good day! What is the business of these precedings!?

#1: Your Highness, it is the business of punishing the guy that killed the guy from Norwich.

KING: Ah yes, the villainous rogue that hath savagely assassinated the Earl of Norwich?

#1: Uhh, yah. That guy.

#2: So, ahh, Your Worship, what are you gonna do to this guy?

KING: I have devised a horrible penalty that will surely punish this *rogue*.

#3: Alright, great! Let’s hear it. Give us a go.

KING: The villain must ride on horseback without a saddle through the village square; however, he will be forced to ride (excited) *backwards*!

The advisors look confused.

He will be forced to ride through the village and the villagers will point at him (acting this out) and declare, “Look at the fool! He knows not how to ride a horse! Nor does he know how to control his life! Look at the fool! He is backwards! So are his morals!” (Laughing.) Surely, this will shame the villainous rogue!

Pause. The advisors are stunned.

#2: What?

#3: That sucks.

KING: (insulted, repeating, like a how-dare-you-say-that-to-me type thing ) Sucks??!

#1: Yeah what’s the deal with that? I don’t understand. Why don’t you like torture him and stuff?

KING: How dare you impugn my skills of punishment! This punishment is brilliant! It will shame him that rogue from committing such heinous acts of violence!

#2: What’s the deal?

#1: Yeah!

#2: Why are you shaming him?

KING: Another punishment: The villain shall be forced to walk all about the kingdom with a bell. However, he must also yell out, (acting) “Look at me! I am a fool! I’m wearing a bell, like a horse! It is as though I am a horse because I am wearing a bell! Thus, I am as competent as a horse!” (laughing at his genius) Then all the villagers from all over the Kingdom will laugh hysterically and the villain will feel as though he is an idiot for committing such a vicious crime!

The three are stunned. Pause.

#1: (pissed off now) That’s crap! That’s by far the stupidest punishment you could have come up with. What the hell is the deal with that?

KING: (infuriated) What? I cannot believe what I am hearing! Surely, my ears are misleading me! Do you call the King’s punnishments unjust??

#2: Forget unjust, (laughs) it’s just stupid. It’s crap. Why the hell does he wear a bell? Does he even need to ring it? Why doesn’t somebody just whip him while he does this crap? This is just ridiculous.

#1: That’s all you’re going to do?

#3: Yah, and what’s with the recurring horse theme?

The three laugh.

#1: Yah, what’s the deal, King? King, do have like a thing for horses or something?

They all laugh again.

KING: ENOUGH! Silence! I will now think of a new, just punishment that will disable this insolent, villainous rogue from committing such a murderous act!

#2: (sarcastically) Hey, here’s an idea, smart guy: Why don’t you just hang him?

#3: (agreeing) I know! I totally don’t understand this! I *know* that the gallows are running. I just walked by the royal gallows like an hour ago. Everything was running smoothly. Come on. Let’s go. Let’s do this thing.

#1: Yeah, seriously. Come on. Less talk more rock.

KING: ENOUGH! The villain must walk through the township’s central square and dance like a baboon! (laughing, acting out) Then one of the King’s guards will declare loudly to all the townspeople: “Look at this man! He acts like a baboon! Surely, if he dances like an baboon, he lacks intelligence! Then, he is an idiot! Look at him!” Then, all the townspeople would laugh and---

#2: (puts hands on his face, annoyed) Oh man! Come on!

#3: And then what? Oh, let me guess: (immitating the KING and his fancy pants accent) “Then the *rogue* will learn his lesson!”

They three laugh. The KING is stunned.

#1: No, no. It’s (imitating the KING) “then the *villainous* rogue!”

They go hysterical.

KING: Are you imitating me? (noticeable emphasis on “imitate”) I can’t believe that you dare interrupt me, then *imitate* me?

#1: (getting the other two’s attention, preparing for a joke) Hey guys. Guys..... (imitating the KING, acting all pretend serious) “Do you dare *imitate* me?!”

They crack up.

(sarcastically) Oh. It’s alright, King. We did notice that you replaced the horse with a baboon.

They laugh again.


The three of them try to hold in their laughter.

#3: Sorry, You’re Heinous.

The other notice that he said “heinous”, instead of highness, and try to hold in their laughter. The KING looks around and notices this and it looks like he feels he’s lost control.

KING: What?! (confused) Did you just say “You’re Heinous”, instead of the proper title, “Your Highness”??

The three advisors look at each other and burst out laughing.

(yelling) THAT’S ENOUGH! You shall face the most severe punishment!

CUT TO shot of three servants walking, wearing bells. They all speak loudly together with hardly any emotion, as if they were given these lines.

ALL: Look at us. Laugh at us, for we are fools. We are idiots, for we walk around wearing bells. It is as if we are baboons wearing these bells as we do. Surely, if we walk around like this we know not how to act properly. Thus, we are fools.


Posted by JordanRoth on November 7, 2002 with category tags of

i laughed. it was funny. especially the heinous/highness bit. a bit repetitive, though.
   comment by Mariana (#35) on November 8, 2002, Rated it 4

Great dialogue! You can see the ending coming from a mile away, but maybe that's part of the fun..
   comment by Bryan (#22) on November 10, 2002, Rated it 4

People standing around making fun of other people = not funny. The writing has to be twice as funny and original as normal and this ain't it. Making fun of a British accent is about as cliche it gets.
   comment by vinny9 (#33) on November 13, 2002, Rated it 2

You've got a funny skit you need a new ending.
   comment by trckands (#152) on April 3, 2004

Monty Python got away with it in Life of Brian, but I just don't see it working here. It doesn't quite have the punch.
   comment by Snicker on May 13, 2004


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