Yet another one
Here's a take on a TV show. Not the most accurate, but hopefully funny. This was written for stage so keep this in mind.Open on two Jamaican guys with bunches of bananas scattered around.
Guy 1 (singing):Day-o, Daaaay-o
Guy 2(sing):Daylight come and me wan go home.
Guy 1 (sing):Come Mr. Tally man tally me banana.
Guy 2 (sing): Daylight come and me wan go home.
Guy1(realizing): Hey, It’s daylight, right?
Guy2: What’s your point?
Guy 1: Where’s Mr. Tally man?
Lights down and pulsing sound
V.O.
It’s time for CSI (pause) Jamaica
Lights up on crime scene. Reggae tune in background-fading. CSI guy 2(Jim) is doing analysis at the scene.
CSI guy 1(Will) walks over.
Will: What’ve we got?
Jim(referring to notebook): One Mr. Tallyman, dead of a 32 millimeter puncture wound to the chest.
Will: You think that would kill him?
Jim: If he died because of it.
Will: Good thinking.
Jim: There’s a lot of blood here. Almost like a cow was butchered.
(A Jamaican guy(Reggie) wanders over)
Reggie: Oh, Ya mon. That’s we butcher the cow for the voodoo ceremony.
Jim: Thirty gallons of cow blood over everything kind of taints the crime scene.
Will: Hit it with the black light.
Jim lights the scene.
Reggie: Ooooh. I got one of dem in my room mon. The posters look sooooo bright.
Will: Thanks for your input sir. Can you move beyond the barriers please.
Reggie: No problem. Have a nice day.
Jim (reaches down): What’s this?(examines) Looks like an insect hair.
Will(looking): Let’s send it into the lab for analysis. I’d say it’s about one half millimeter long?
Jim: I agree. Is that significant?
Will: It could be.
Jim: Possibly?
Will: Possibly.
Jim: Maybe?
Will: I wouldn’t go that far.
Jim: On a significance scale of one to one hundred?
Will: I’d give it a thirty.
Jim: I was thinking 29, maybe a shade toward thirty.
Will: Twenty nine point five?
Jim: Agreed.
Will: Let’s send it in then.(calling to CSI person Jane) Jane what’s your read on this?
Jane(comes over): I’m thinking twenty nine to thirty.
Will: We’ve already covered that. I mean the cause of death.
(Jim exits)
Jane: That puncture wound looks similar to that of the beak of an emperor penguin.
(Reggie wanders back)
Reggie: There ain’t no penguins in Jamaica mon. Ha Ha Ha.
Will: You seem to know a lot about this.
Reggie: I don’t know nothing mon.
Will(calling): Sergeant, take this man in for questioning.
(Reggie is hauled away. Woman asst. district Atty. comes over)
DA: Will, we need a conviction here. The DA’s busting my balls on this case.
Will: Figuratively speaking.
DA: Of course.(pause) Mr. Tallyman was an important man. They wrote a song about him for Christsake.
Will: We’re still doing analysis.
DA(indicates Reggie): Hey, why are you taking in Reggae Reggie?
Will: He seems to know some things.
DA: Well he’s a celebrity around here so tread lightly.
Will: Figuratively speaking.
DA: Of course.
(Lights down then up on Reggie and Sarge in room on opposite sides of table.
Reggie: Mind if I smoke?
Sarge: Not at all
(Reggie pulls out a huge joint)
(Lights down then up on Will’s office-Jim enters)
Will: We got anything on the Reggie interrogation yet?
Jim: Yes, Here's the report. (hands him a sheet of paper).
Will(smells paper, looks at it): All it says is big fuzzy hat.
Jim: Sarge is our best interrogator, Will.
Will: I’m not questioning his ability.(pause) Something smells here. Lets’ send Reggie’s hat in for analysis.
Jim: I’m on it.(exits)
(Jane enters)
Jane: Will, I was right on my analysis.(holds up photos) Look, Wound curvature matches the emperor penguin beak exactly. He was killed by an emperor penguin.
Will: Y’know that sounds like something a Jamaican crack whore would say.
Jane(angry): That was me in the old days, Will.(whistful) Fun times.(comes back)
Jane(cont): I’m over that. I know it sounds weird, this being Jamaica and all, but maybe someone has a penguin for a pet.
Will: You may be on to something there. Check the pet shops for Aieee!(grabs neck in pain)
Jane: Check for Aieee? (notices) Will, what’s wrong?
Will: It was a stabbing pain in my neck. It’s better now.
(Lights down and up on stage right to the evil professor. He has an voodoo altar and candles burning, etc. He’s holding a doll and pulling the needle from it.)
Prof: So CSI team, you are getting too close for comfort. Your comfort(maniacal) Ha Ha Ha!
(Lights down and up on Will’s office, Jim enters)
Jim: Will, I’ve got the data back on Reggies hat. It’s made of hemp.
Will: There’s a shocker.
Jim(angry): What’s wrong with hemp! It’s a viable agricultural product. They can make paper from hemp. They can make clothes from hemp. They can make food from hemp. Hemp is great!
Will: Didn’t know you were a stoner Jim
Jim(nervous): Um. Well. Um. Huh?
Will: Anything else on the hat?
Jim: Oh, Yeah. We found some chicken blood, cow blood, movie prop blood and a chicken Mc Nugget.
Will: Sounds like classic voodoo cult stuff. Hey, Didn’t Reggie say something about voodoo at the crime scene?
Jim: Yeah.
Will: We’d better get Reggie back here for questioning. I’ll handle it this time.
(Lights down and up on Will and Reggie in questioning room.)
Reggie: Mind if I smoke mon?(pulls out a huge joint)
Will: Yes, I do. (Rips up joint and throws it away.)
Reggie(upset): Ahhh, now I can’t relax.
Will: I don’t want you relaxed. I want to know about the voodoo cult.
(Reggie’s getting nervous. Will goes and pours a glass of water.)
Will: Do you—
Reggie: Do I want to tell you about the cult mon? I’ll tell. But I’m riskin my life doin it. They’s some strong juju mon. The leader is amazing. He’s got the power.
Will: No, Do you---
Reggie: Do I want to tell you his name?(pause) All right. It’s Professor Swan. He’s de head of zoology over at the state college.
Will: No, Do you---
Reggie: Do I think he killed that mon. I don’t know. I’m so scared(weeps in hands)
Will: No. Do you want a drink of water?
Reggie: Ohhh. (happy) Yes, please.
(Jane enters)
Jane: Will, only one emperor penguin ever came into the country. It went to—
Will: Professor Swan.
Jane: How—Will, You’re amazing.
Will(Jamaican style): No, I’m Amaaazin’.
(All three laugh): Ha Ha Ha
Will: It’s time to pay a visit to Professor Swan—Ouch!(Grabs neck)
(lights down and up on Professor at voodoo altar)
(He pulls pin from doll)
Prof(maniacal): Go ahead. Come and visit. There’s more where this came from.
(lights down and up at Prof’s with Will and Jane there)
Will(accusing): So, Professor. We meet again.
Prof(shocked): Do I know you?
Will(happy): I took your Zoology class at the college.
Prof: Ah. So to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?
Will: Can the puzzled look Professor. We just tested the beak of your penguin and the traces of blood on it match that of the victim.
Prof: So?
Will: And we did some more testing at the crime scene and found traces of plastic that matches your drivers license.
Prof: So?
Jane: And we found traces of metal that match your car keys.
Prof: So?
Jane: And traces of Mcdonalds apple pie grease.
Prof(whistful): I love those little pies. So, you think you’ve got me eh? Well how about this?
(sticks needle in Will’s doll)
(stage goes dark except for the spot directly over Will-spots now appear only over the speaking person)
Will(monotone zombie-arms out): I will destroy all the evidence.
Prof(maniacal): Eeeeeha ha ha.
(He pulls the pin from Will doll and sticks it in Jane's.
Jane(monotone zombie-arms out): I’ll forget everything I know about the Professor.
Prof(maniacal): Eeeeeha ha ha.(needle out and in Will's.)
Will(zombie): The professor is our friend. We love the professor.
Prof(maniacal): Eeeeeha ha ha.(needle in Jane's)
Jane(aroused): Spank me, I’ve been a bad girl.
Prof(puzzled-looks at doll): Huh?
Will(with Jane over knee, posed for spanking) (maniacal): Eeeeeha ha ha
Prof(shouts): Enough!(shoves a needle in both dolls)
Lights down and up on Reggae Reggie
Reggie: Sooo, Da CSI team forgot aaal about the Professor. Dey arrested the fellow at the McDonalds that makes the Chicken McNuggets. Serves him right. (pause) or maybe it was all just a hallucination. Mind if I smoke?(pulls out huge joint)
Lights down
| Posted by larrylorre on October 13, 2003 with category tags of Skit |
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Written by larrylorre
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