Because politics has gotten a little boringThink all the parties are the same?
So do we.
But the Hot Chick is different...
[Black screen with titles in the style of sensationalist American political commercials. Gravelly voice-over accompanies each title.]
VO: In 2004, Governor Anthony P. Pusateri voted *against* lowering the taxes for poor Arkansas farmers.
VO: He voted *against* preventing puppy murders in city-centres.
VO: He voted *against* ice-cream.
VO: And he voted *against* the constitutional amendment to allow younger presidents.
VO: But now Pusateri's gone, and it's your chance to make a change. To vote for what you believe in.
[Cut to THE HOT CHICK, standing in front of the desk in a snazzy-looking lawyer's office. She is wearing very short shorts and a tight t-shirt with the words "HONEST BABE" on it.]
THE HOT CHICK: Hi. I'm The Hot Chick, Presidental Candidate for 2005.
[THC looks out into space for a moment.]
THE HOT CHICK: I like horses.
[Cut to shot of THC running in slow motion down the beach.]
VO: Unlike Anthony P. Pusateri, The Hot Chick has worked to *increase* the country's blood-alcohol content. Unlike Anthony P. Pusateri, she does *not* have split ends.
[Cut to THC in office.]
THE HOT CHICK: I am also quite buoyant!
[Cut to THC pulling herself (dripping) from a swimming pool.]
VO: If elected, The Hot Chick promises to hold a televised press-conference where she will take off her shirt and show you her beautiful breasts.
[Cut to office, where THC is nodding, smiling. She glances at her chest.]
THE HOT CHICK: A vote for me is a vote to see my beautiful breasts.
[THC blows a kiss.]
[Cut to THC doing jumping-jacks.]
VO: September 14th, vote for The Hot Chick. Finally, a president with beautiful, beautiful breasts.
[Cut to office.]
[THC pulls up the bottom of her t-shirt, seductively. She then stops, mock-reconsidering.]
THE HOT CHICK: Oop! Not till after the election!
[Cut to black. Rushed title and voiceover.]
THC: Paid for by Concerned Citizens for the Election of The Hot Chick (CCETHC) and Larry Flynt.
[Cut to conference room with several older men around a table, including Governor Anthony P. Pusateri. Bad smear campaign posters againts hot chick are on the wall in the background.]
[ARNOLD turns off the TV, where they have just seen THC's ad.]
ANTHONY: Well. That's a doozy.
Awkward slience ensues, board members mumble amongst themselves, wondering how to deal with the blow.
ARNOLD: Well . . . (Short Silence)
WALTER: We're letting them shape the issues in this campaign, we're falling out of step.
ARNOLD: Our response needs to be brutal and unrelenting.
ANTHONY: Unrelenting, absolutely.
WALTER: How can we counter this. She's got a nice rack . . .
ARNOLD (interjecting): So does your wife!
WALTER: Yes! We can use that.
ARTHUR: Gold, pure gold.
ANTHONY: Good observation Arnold, Wanda's breasts are magnificant. But, what exactly are you proposing?
WALTER (thinking hard): Yes. Yes. I see it. A vote for Anthony Puseteri-
ANTHONY (interrupting): *Governor* Anthony Puseteri.
WALTER: Right, a vote for Governor Anthony Puseteri is a vote for his wife's great-
ANTHONY (grandiosely): Magnificent.
WALTER: - Magnificent breasts. (beat)
ARNOLD: Is "breasts" the right word. Could we perhaps agree upon a word which better captures the essence of this platform issue.
ARTHUR: Well titties is out of the question.
[ANTHONY nods in agreement.]
WALTER: No, we won't stoop to the level of titties in this campaign. Tits, perhaps, but not titties.
ARNOLD: We don't want to alienate the upper mid-west.
ANTHONY: Does anyone have any polling data on that?
WALTER: [shuffles through papers] Uhmmmm, right here. Charleston, Galveston, Merrimac are all tit counties.
ANTHONY: Well, it's settled then.
ARTHUR:... What about hooters?
ANTHONY: Hooters is good too.
ARTHUR: Hooters ARE good too.
WALTER: Could we maybe get your wife in here?
ANTHONY: I'll give her a buzz. [Hits the intercom] Wanda, could you come in here? We're... out of... prunecakes.
[Pause for a few seconds. Wanda enters carrying prunecake tray. She is 65.]
WANDA: Here you are boys.
WALTER: Thank-you, Mrs. Puseteri.
ANTHONY: Thank-you, ma'am.
ALL OF THEM TOGETHER: Funbags.
WALTER: Definitely funbags.
ANTHONY: Magnificent funbags.
[Cut to rural hicks sitting in barn watching television. Hear trail end of voiceover]
VOICEOVER: A vote for Governor Puseteri is a vote for his wife's magnificent funbags. Paid for by the committee to relect Puseteri.
HICK 1: That ain't right.
HICK 2: No sir.
HICK 3: Them ain't funbags. Not where I come from.
HICK 2: No sir.
HICK3: Them's titties.
HICK 2: Yup.
HICK 2: Fricken Democrats.
Written by McImprov