Santa on Trial!

Bailiff (B): All rise, the honorable judge Goldberg presiding.

Judge (J): Mr. Friedman are you ready to resume?

Prosecutor (P): I am your honor. The prosecution calls Ronald Soumarta.

[An Indian man enters the courtroom, he is clean cut and in his late thirties. He takes the witness stand and is sworn in as P gets ready.]

P: Mr. Soumarta can you please tell us what you do?

[On the defendant’s side, the attorney slams his fist on the desk]

Defense Counsel (D): Your honor I object!

J: On what grounds counsel?

D: Oh, you need a reason? Sorry, my bad.

Ronald (R): I’m the director of the Hearts and Minds food bank, on University street.

P: And why do you do this, sir?

R: Well I really like to help people who can’t help themselves, for whatever reason.

P: And could you please tell us about your childhood?

R: I was a straight ‘A’ student. I participated in numerous extracurricular activities, I had no criminal record and I helped old ladies across the street.

P: Would you characterize yourself as a good boy?

R: Yes.

D: Objection your honor, characterization!

J: [Annoyed] That’s… the point counsel. Overruled.

P: And did you ever receive any Christmas presents?

R: That’s really not important, couldn’t we talk about my Nobel Prize in the field of saving puppies?

P: Just answer the question sir.

R: [Breaks down] No… never… That’s all I ever wanted! Sniff… I used to wait up all night for Santa, but he never come.

P: What would you do then sir?

D: Objection, your honor, calls for um,… specumalation.

J: Counsel, let me remind you that the bailiff is armed and unhappy as he missed his lunch break.

D: Uh… never mind.

P: Again sir, what would you do after Christmas Eve?

R: I would spend the next 364 days desperately trying to be better than I was the previous year. But it was never enough I built a neon sign on my roof that said welcome Santa. I coated my whole house in reindeer aphrodisiac. But nothing helped [Begins crying harder].

P: Can you think of any reason that you wouldn’t have gotten presents?

R: The only thing I can think of… No, Santa would never do such a thing. But the only reason I may have been overlooked was that, I’m not Christian.

D: Objection your honor, if he’s not Christian how can he swear on the bible!?

J: [Waking up suddenly from a nap] Huh, is someone there? Oh, it’s you, overruled.

P: No more questions your honor.

J: Cross-examine?

D: Oh, me uh….

J: You ask the witness questions, too.

D: Ooh! That would really help my case. Thanks judge.

J: [sarcastic] Well, you’ll owe me.

D: Mr. Soumarta, how long have you not been Christian?

R: Forever. Since I was born.

D: Aha, so you admit it. In yo face!

J: Move on counsel…

D: [cocky] No more questions Mr. Honor.

P: Prosecution rests your honor.

D: Defense would like a rest too.

J: Um.. don’t you want to put on a case?

D: [sighs] Alright, but we’re even now. I call Jesus Christ.

[Santa(S) whispers in D’s ear]

D: What do you mean he’s dying for our sins? Again? Fine, I’ll call Christopher Cringle.

B: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?

S: Actually, I’m kind of mad at God. He promised Jesus would testify for me today, but, well, here we are.

J: That’s a yes, let’s move on.

D: Santa would you not give presents to someone on the basis that they weren’t Christian?

S: Not Christian? You mean naughty?

D: Damn right!

J: Counsel, please refrain from "whooping it up" in my courtroom.

D: Awww. Well Santa let me pose you a hypothetical. Say you made a mistake. It’s possible isn’t it? I mean you only check your list once right?

S: I’m glad you asked. You see I check my lists twice. That’s two times [S holds up his hand and shows two fingers]

D: So you could never make a mistake?

S: Well, [sniffles], I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage. Mrs. Claus left me. She said the reindeer thing was just too freaky. Now I’m off the candycanes and on the sugarcane rum.

D: Uh, yeah that’s too much. No more questions.

P: Cross-examine your honor.

J: No! [pauses] Psyche, yeah go ahead.

P: Mr. Claus, do you know why you’re here?

S: Ho ho ho. Why I’m Santa Claus. I’m here to spread joy, presents, and candy to all the good children in the world.

P: Your honor, permission to treat the witness as hostile?

J: [putting down the Playboy he was reading] Please.

P: Isn’t it true you only give presents to Christian children?

S: What do you mean? Are you talking about animal children? They can’t enjoy toys without opposable thumbs. Well, maybe great apes, but they’re all so violent.

P: Sir, are you calling non-Christian children animals?

S: Well what else could they be.

[Gallery gasps, judge bangs gavel]

P: Chris Cringle, St. Nick, Santa Claus, Pere Noel, Father Christmas… Why all the aliases? Are you on the run from the law?

S: No. Not for child labor law violation anyway. And especially not for breaking and entering through chimneys. Especially not for lude conduct concerning reindeer.

P: One last question. Santa how much crack did you use this morning?

S: Um… [looks at D who is vigorously motioning not to reply to the question] Well, okay if he says to answer. 7, um no wait, 8 grams. Why? [pauses] Do you have some?

[Cut to reporters swarming S outside court]

Reporter: Santa how do you respond to the guilty verdict against you?

S: Damn dirty kykes. I know a lot of good little boys and girls who will have ‘Protocols of the Elders of Zion" in their stockings this Christmas.