Santa on Trial!

You probably alway knew Sanata Claus would be arrested and prosecuted for crimes against humanity (and if you didn't, where have you been?). Finally the people get back at that historical man of evil, Santa Claus. (Written by Jerry, Dustin, and with absoloutely no help from Mariana)

Bailiff (B): All rise, the honorable judge Goldberg presiding.

Judge (J): Mr. Friedman are you ready to resume?

Prosecutor (P): I am your honor. The prosecution calls Ronald Soumarta.

[An Indian man enters the courtroom, he is clean cut and in his late thirties. He takes the witness stand and is sworn in as P gets ready.]

P: Mr. Soumarta can you please tell us what you do?

[On the defendantís side, the attorney slams his fist on the desk]

Defense Counsel (D): Your honor I object!

J: On what grounds counsel?

D: Oh, you need a reason? Sorry, my bad.

Ronald (R): Iím the director of the Hearts and Minds food bank, on University street.

P: And why do you do this, sir?

R: Well I really like to help people who canít help themselves, for whatever reason.

P: And could you please tell us about your childhood?

R: I was a straight ĎAí student. I participated in numerous extracurricular activities, I had no criminal record and I helped old ladies across the street.

P: Would you characterize yourself as a good boy?

R: Yes.

D: Objection your honor, characterization!

J: [Annoyed] ThatísÖ the point counsel. Overruled.

P: And did you ever receive any Christmas presents?

R: Thatís really not important, couldnít we talk about my Nobel Prize in the field of saving puppies?

P: Just answer the question sir.

R: [Breaks down] NoÖ neverÖ Thatís all I ever wanted! SniffÖ I used to wait up all night for Santa, but he never come.

P: What would you do then sir?

D: Objection, your honor, calls for um,Ö specumalation.

J: Counsel, let me remind you that the bailiff is armed and unhappy as he missed his lunch break.

D: UhÖ never mind.

P: Again sir, what would you do after Christmas Eve?

R: I would spend the next 364 days desperately trying to be better than I was the previous year. But it was never enough I built a neon sign on my roof that said welcome Santa. I coated my whole house in reindeer aphrodisiac. But nothing helped [Begins crying harder].

P: Can you think of any reason that you wouldnít have gotten presents?

R: The only thing I can think ofÖ No, Santa would never do such a thing. But the only reason I may have been overlooked was that, Iím not Christian.

D: Objection your honor, if heís not Christian how can he swear on the bible!?

J: [Waking up suddenly from a nap] Huh, is someone there? Oh, itís you, overruled.

P: No more questions your honor.

J: Cross-examine?

D: Oh, me uhÖ.

J: You ask the witness questions, too.

D: Ooh! That would really help my case. Thanks judge.

J: [sarcastic] Well, youíll owe me.

D: Mr. Soumarta, how long have you not been Christian?

R: Forever. Since I was born.

D: Aha, so you admit it. In yo face!

J: Move on counselÖ

D: [cocky] No more questions Mr. Honor.

P: Prosecution rests your honor.

D: Defense would like a rest too.

J: Um.. donít you want to put on a case?

D: [sighs] Alright, but weíre even now. I call Jesus Christ.

[Santa(S) whispers in Dís ear]

D: What do you mean heís dying for our sins? Again? Fine, Iíll call Christopher Cringle.

B: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?

S: Actually, Iím kind of mad at God. He promised Jesus would testify for me today, but, well, here we are.

J: Thatís a yes, letís move on.

D: Santa would you not give presents to someone on the basis that they werenít Christian?

S: Not Christian? You mean naughty?

D: Damn right!

J: Counsel, please refrain from "whooping it up" in my courtroom.

D: Awww. Well Santa let me pose you a hypothetical. Say you made a mistake. Itís possible isnít it? I mean you only check your list once right?

S: Iím glad you asked. You see I check my lists twice. Thatís two times [S holds up his hand and shows two fingers]

D: So you could never make a mistake?

S: Well, [sniffles], I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage. Mrs. Claus left me. She said the reindeer thing was just too freaky. Now Iím off the candycanes and on the sugarcane rum.

D: Uh, yeah thatís too much. No more questions.

P: Cross-examine your honor.

J: No! [pauses] Psyche, yeah go ahead.

P: Mr. Claus, do you know why youíre here?

S: Ho ho ho. Why Iím Santa Claus. Iím here to spread joy, presents, and candy to all the good children in the world.

P: Your honor, permission to treat the witness as hostile?

J: [putting down the Playboy he was reading] Please.

P: Isnít it true you only give presents to Christian children?

S: What do you mean? Are you talking about animal children? They canít enjoy toys without opposable thumbs. Well, maybe great apes, but theyíre all so violent.

P: Sir, are you calling non-Christian children animals?

S: Well what else could they be.

[Gallery gasps, judge bangs gavel]

P: Chris Cringle, St. Nick, Santa Claus, Pere Noel, Father ChristmasÖ Why all the aliases? Are you on the run from the law?

S: No. Not for child labor law violation anyway. And especially not for breaking and entering through chimneys. Especially not for lude conduct concerning reindeer.

P: One last question. Santa how much crack did you use this morning?

S: UmÖ [looks at D who is vigorously motioning not to reply to the question] Well, okay if he says to answer. 7, um no wait, 8 grams. Why? [pauses] Do you have some?

[Cut to reporters swarming S outside court]

Reporter: Santa how do you respond to the guilty verdict against you?

S: Damn dirty kykes. I know a lot of good little boys and girls who will have ĎProtocols of the Elders of Zion" in their stockings this Christmas.

Posted by Reverend_Jerry on November 10, 2002 with category tags of

5 comments
Goes a little past where it should have gone with the last line. It's a little long though. Cut it in half and it'll be a tighter script.
   comment by vinny9 (#33) on November 13, 2002, Rated it 3

One of the best I've read.
   comment by anonymous on November 21, 2002, Rated it 5

The focus is shifty--I'd lose the whole laywer/judge sideshow and the Jesus bit, and focus more on Santa. A clever defense of Santa could be funny. Also, be more offensive (if you're going for the shocking angle) or less, because as is, it's just in poor taste.
   comment by Bryan (#22) on November 23, 2002, Rated it 3

well, it was a bit long, but it was good with it. perhaps a bit long for you average person with a short attention sp, hey look, a butterfly
   comment by muzthe42nd (#65) on April 5, 2003, Rated it 4

This should be part of my christmas tradition it was this year so thatk you for your enjoyable skit. There was lol and everthing. And to Ronald, don't feel bad you didn't get presents those times, when santa doesn't have the north pole he can't find the direction he needs. But don't worry Santa's on E-D drugs now to help him always keep his com-pas functioning properly(if you know what I mean). So don't you worry anymore about him being able to find his bearings. Ever since he and Mrs. clause broke up, those hot little female elves are all over his north pole area, and theres alot of decking the halls with his balls of holly now. Those elvettes don't just make the presents anymore they are the presents; just for Santa. It may not have been such a merry christmas there for a while (you know with all the problems between him and the Mrs.), but now that Santa's got all the ho ho hos he could ever want I bet there wont be as many houses that he misses.
   comment by trckands (#152) on December 25, 2004, Rated it 4

   

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