More nonsense
This pretty much wrote itself. The Onion doesn't accept freelance stuff (nor should they) and no satire site should blatantly rip them off by using the same Point-Counterpoint format. So what I have is something completely unsalable. However, I wrote it and wanted to put it somewhere that someone could attempt to enjoy it.Sillytech, thou art divine.
Point - Counterpoint
The Level Of Debate In This Country Is Appalling
By Vernon C. Peabody
It is truly distressing to this citizen of the Republic to witness the lack of respect given to debate in our present day. From the hallowed halls of government to the esteemed voice of the media, the quality of discussion has reached a shameful low. It is the exchange of ideas which gives full flight to man's imagination and the critical examination of those ideas which allows them to grow, made more robust by their exposure to voices of dissent. Without a proper respect for honest debate, the level of interaction in this country continues to deteriorate to little more than the barking of dogs on a street corner.
The time spent grandstanding over issues of serious import now vastly overshadows the time spent genuinely discussing solutions to the problems that plague our world. Politicians and journalists have become stuck in their tired routine of accusations and denials. Discussion rarely rises above the pushing of a singular agenda upon the audience, a near mono-maniacal screeching that leaves harpies envious. That, by the way, was a metaphor, a hint of eloquence that seems to have been lost in the art of public speaking.
Our history is filled with passionate debates that attacked the issues of the day. Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson. Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas. These are shining examples of intelligent people passionately defending their positions without resorting to the straw man arguments or ad hominem attacks so prevalent today. We must break from our current tendency to portray issues as having a single, simple resolution and acknowledge that there are murky swamps of grey that need to be exposed to the light of public dissection that only earnest debate can bring. We must change our ways or face losing our rich tradition of enlightened rhetoric. Future generations will stand in awe of our forebearers and wonder what happened to our legacy of reasoned discourse and measured dialogue.
Your Mom Sucked My Dick, Asshole
By Huck Wallers
I don't care who you are, dill-pipe, but you can stuff your fancy-talk in your food exit. I've got some serious shit to do. I don't have time to prepare some Gettysburg Address every time you want to wipe your ass. Hell, I barely have time to wipe my own ass these days what with the overtime I gotta pull to keep those ball-busters at the dealership at bay. One thing I do have time for is telling it to you straight: your mom sucked my dick, asshole.
I don't mean that as a metaphor for eloquence's sake. I mean it in the sense that the woman who gave you life came over, drunk as a skunk, and put her greasy lips on my meatstick. And, just in case you were confused about the last part of my original statement, you're an asshole. I mean, where do you get off telling me how to talk? I'm sure your little speeches sound real pretty at your university luncheons or your board of directors meeting or whatever it is you do but guys like me don't have time for your bullshit speak. I can tell when someone is trying to slip something by Huck Wallers and whatever it was that you said sure sounded suspicious. I'm starting to ask myself questions about your mom, too.
Listen, I don't have time to say a lot more about this, I have to pick up my daughter from her third day of detention in a row, but I'll be damned if some Fuckwad Q. Nobody can waltz in here and start dictating, like some fascist hate-monger, what people can and can't say. This is about freedom of speech. This is about freedom of the press. This is about our elected officials exercising their mandate. Yeah, mandate. See, I can throw around big words, too, hotshot. I won't begin to speculate what you know about a man date.
In closing, I just want to say: I fucked your wife as an encore, limpdick.
| Posted by vinny9 on November 21, 2003 with category tags of Skit |
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Written by vinny9
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