The dead body sketch

Because sometimes a 'normal' funeral just isn't enough


[The scene is of a family is sitting at Christmas dinner. The family is a hillbillie family. Present are Ma, Pa, Little Sister, Big Brother (BB), and Grandpa. ]
[the family is talking about how great Christmas is]
Then Grandpa, chewing on a piece of x-tra fat turkey, starts to choke, he stands up writhes around and falls to the ground. There is much surprise. Little Sister gets down on her knees, and cries over the body screaming "NOOOOOO!!!!"

Pa: Weeell shoot, what do we do now?
BB: I dunno, Pa, 'taint much we can do till tomorrow. The funeral homes are closed fer Christmas Eve.
Ma: Well we can't leave 'im here, he'll start to rot and stink up the house, and Santee Claus won't come.
Pa: Then we gotta dump 'im off at the morgue. Boy, you gotta be a man and shoulder the responsibility.
BB: (wipes a tear from his eye) Okay pa. I'll make you proud.
[BB shoulders DB (dead body) and leaves.]
They all wave bye, and shout "good luck."

[switch scenes. brother is carrying the body in a rundown part of town close to the morgue]
Throughout the following events, BB gets more and more angry.
[Two guys in an alley are eyeing him the whole time]
[The brother is accosted by a crazy-looking-man:]
Crazy Man [yelling crazily]: Hey man, you wanna buy a chicken? [crazy man is waving a rubber chicken around]
BB [scared]: Ack, no. Get away from me you crazy old man.
[BB avoids the crazy man, and enters the morgue]

BB: I came to drop off my dead grand-daddy. Where should I leave him?
Morgue attendant: Can I see your DBDO-407?
BB: What?
Morgue attendant: Well surely you have your 'Dead Body Drop Off' form?
BB: Ah, no, not really. But I have the dead body right here [gestures at dead body]. Can't you just take him?
Morgue attendant: Sorry sir. You'll have to go to the Bureau of Dead Bodies and get the form. You can find it at 84 Wellington Avenue, on the other side of town.
BB: Gon-sarnit!

[show the words 'later that day, the brother returns with the paperwork he recieved from the Bureau of Dead Bodies'.]
BB: Well, here I am again. I brought the paper work.
Morgue attendant: Great. You can just dump it anywhere there's room.
[BB gives paperwork to Morgue attendant]
Morgue attendant: Ah sir, I don't mean to be a bother, but this form hasn't been stamped by the proper authorities.
BB [Fed up]: And who the hell is the proper authority?
Morgue attendant: Well that would be the bureau of stamping the paperwork from the bureau of dead bodies. Right next door to the bureau of legislation of dead bodies.
[BB slumps out from the morgue, dejected and tired]
[BB puts the dead body down to rest. BB lies back and closes his eyes]
[IMMEDIATELY the two guys from the allay see their chance. They run for the dead body and try and drag it away.]
[BB buys a chicken from the crazy man and beats the two guys off with it. They run away back to the alley]

[show the words 'even later that day, the brother returns with the paperwork he recieved from the Bureau of Dead Bodies which has been stamped by the bureau of stamping the paperwork from the bureau of dead bodies'.]
BB: Well, I'm back again. And I have the paperwork stamped. Will you take my grand-pappy now?
Morgue attendant: Well of course sonny-boy. Just drop him there. [he gestures to nowhere/everywhere]
[BB dumps the body on the ground. he is exhausted]

[the father enters the morgue, along with the rest of the family]
fater: Son, you did mighty well. But I have to admit, Grandpaw's not really dead. Get on up pops.
[the grandpa stands up]
Grandpaw: Good work boy.
BB: what???
father: It was just a test son. But you passed. You're a man now.
[BB looks shocked, then he starts to laugh as if he's gone crazy]
father: Aw come on son. It's christmass. Let's dance our troubles away.

[hillbillie music starts to play. they all dance. the morgue attandant and the sister disappear together into the back of the morgue]

Posted by impro on June 3, 2002 with category tags of

3 comments

This skit was enjoyable. I especially like the end and the Bureau of Paperwork. I think the chicken part needs a little fleshing out.
   comment by anonymous on June 11, 2002, Rated it 4

This skethc has no meat to its bones. It has a severe problem that the characters are boring, uninterseting stereotypes. However, the premise and idea is good, but the whole thing needs fleshing out and improving
   comment by anonymous on August 9, 2002, Rated it 2

Okay, first of all, you shouldn't make fun of what you call "hillbillies" b/c that's DUMB!
   comment by anonymous on April 10, 2003, Rated it 2

   

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