Guaranteed to offend or your money back
Screw you, whitey. And by whitey, I of course mean Gary Collins.Gary Collins: Hi, I’m Gary Collins. Are you tired of losing your street credits with the homies? (chuckle) Well, I sure was. But I don’t have to worry about being "square" in my neighborhood anymore. Not since I got my…(he motions off camera, and a black guy comes over to him. Gary puts his arms on his shoulders, displaying him.) Bristol and McBelzer ™ Disposable Black Man.
(Cut to Gary and the black guy walking on the street while people passing by stare at them. The black guy has a gigantic fake grin on his face.)
Gary: (VO) With my Disposable Black Man, I can walk the streets with pride, knowing that I, too, will be accepted into the Black Society.
(Gary Collins and the black guy walk over to an ice cream truck.)
Ice Cream Guy: What do you want?
Gary: (beams at the guy) Two chocolate fudges.
(Cut back to Gary)
Gary: It’s fun, it’s easy, and it’s a great way to show your friends your appreciation for diversity.
(Cut to a ritzy outdoor party with nothing but white people. Gary walks over to the host, who’s pouring punch.)
Host: Gary! I haven’t seen you in a year at least! And who’s this?
Gary: Why, this is Jamal Akeem Abdoul Jones Polanski, my new African American friend.
("Jamal" continues forcing his smile)
Host: Aren’t you adorable? Look, everybody, Gary’s got a black friend!
(Everybody crowds around them, oohing and ahhing.)
Gary: (VO) Your Disposable Black Man will be an instant hit at any social gathering. But that’s not all he’ll be good for. Check our fun and informative instruction manual for some great suggestions, such as…
(Cut to a picture of the black guy in a Star Trek uniform)
Gary: (VO) Obligatory ethnic balance in a Star Trek movie!
(Cut to a picture of the black guy in a chef’s outfit holding a spatula)
Gary: (VO) Short-Order cook…
(Cut to a picture of the black guy dressed as Phil Donahue, complete with glasses and white wig. He’s frozen in the moment, holding a mic to somebody in the audience)
Gary: Non-offensive yet no-nonsense talk show host, and many more.
(Cut to Gary)
Gary And clean-up couldn’t be easier. When done, simply toss your Disposable Black Man into your garbage recepticle.
(Cut to a crude drawing of one happy stick figure throwing a darker happy stick figure into a trash can)
Gary: No messy clean-up, no lingering odors. That’s the Bristol and McBelzer promise. And if you call us now, we’ll throw in the Bristol and McBelzer ™ Overgenerous Italian Mother as your free gift.
(Cut to a horribly stereotypical Italian lady shoving pasta into a man’s mouth from a pot with her wooden spoon)
Italian Mother: Who feed you these days? BUMS? Come on, we beef-a you up! You look-a GOOD. I make you.
Disposable Black Guy: (from a trashcan in the kitchen under the sink) What the hell are you doing? Let me the fuck outta here! I’m serious! I’m calling the union on your ass! What the hell’s going on out there? HELLO?
Man: (to the camera) Thanks, Gary!
(Back to Gary)
Gary: You’re certainly welcome. The Disposable Black Man—a product you can trust from a NAME you can trust. Gary Collins.
Voice from off-camera: BRISTOL AND McBELZER.
Gary: Er, Bristol and McBelzer. (he gives the camera a toothy grin.)
| Posted by deadheidi on March 10, 2003 with category tags of Skit |
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Written by deadheidi
| Heidi Perry troppoheads.com/ratty/Rattylan... Hello, I'm Heidi. I'm a movie theater slave who likes accordions and coffee a little too much. |
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