The Case of the Cheese and the Roach
Are roaches deserving of sympathy?[Ralph comes home to find that he left a piece of cheese out on the counter and that it has grown a bit hard around the edges. Upon closer inspection, he sees that a tiny roach is on the cheese. Upon further inspection, he sees that the roach is actually reclining on his back in a hole that the creature apparently created by eating. The roach isn't moving. Not knowing what to do, he goes to get his magnifying glass to get a closer look. When he spies in on the roach, he hears what sounds like a human voice (voice of a tiny Christopher Walkin).]
Roach [looking up from observing his finger nails]: Whacha looking at?
Ralph: This is strange.... Are you talking to me?
Roach: Why, yes I am. I said, what are you looking at?
Ralph: My cheese, I guess. You're sitting on my cheese.
Roach: Yes, and?
Ralph: It's my cheese.
Roach: True, but ask yourself, Do you really want to eat it now?
Ralph: Well, yes, I wanted to eat it.
Roach: It's stale. It's almost too hard to eat.
Ralph: What do you mean "almost."
Roach: In a little while, it will have become inedible, due to it's hardness. I would eat more, but I'm stuffed. I'm actually so stuffed that I can't move.
Ralph: Very strange..... You're a roach aren't you?
Roach: Yes. Yes I am.
Ralph: What gives you the right to think that you can just eat my cheese, recline on it, and then explain to me that you can't move? And also, what makes you think that I won't just fling you off and reclaim it. You're a roach.
Roach: Well, I'm confident that you won't just fling me off because you're still in doubt as to whether or not you can salvage this cheese. It's stale. In fact, you're mad at yourself for leaving the cheese out more than you're mad at me. And to answer your other question, I believe that I have the right to eat this cheese precisely because you left it out.
Ralph: That doesn't follow. Just because I left it out, something that rightly belongs to me, doesn't mean that it is yours to take.
Roach: Well, instead of thinking in your narrow human ways, what with your ridiculous principle of private property consistently informing your every decision, I want you to think of it this way: You left a piece of cheese out to grow stale, and it is now stale. And therefore, you will probably throw it out anyway, thus reneging your right to ownership.
Ralph: Yes, but the decision to throw it away is still mine, because I own it!
[Pause. The Roach takes up a piece of cheese, looks at it pensively, and then eats it with relish.]
Roach [licking his lips]: I've tasted better to tell you the truth. Anyway, can't you see that others need your property when you aren't using it, or when you intend to throw it away out of shear neglect?
Ralph: So what? It's mine to do with as I please. Besides, if it has only now just become stale, then you must have eaten it before it was stale. And using your logic of utility and general welfare, it should have still been mine before it went stale.
Roach: Touché! But it was a judgement call. I know when you usually get back from work, and I wanted to taste it while it was still fresh. I assumed that by the time you'd get home, it would be stale. A small miscalculation.
Ralph: For your lack of judgement and failure to abide by your own principles, I'll not only throw out the cheese, but I'm going throw you out with it.
[He raises a cheese blade.]
Roach: Wait! Can't you see that I always have to make judgement calls. I mean, there is so much free food out there, and I only take what others don't need. I'm quite innocent really.
[The roach looks pathetic and deserving of pity.]
Ralph: Too bad.
[He raises the cheese blade and the roach makes an acrobatic escape.]
Roach [on his way down to the floor]: You simple human. Aaaaaaaaahhh.
Ralph: Where'd he go? [Looks on the floor and under things. After a short consideration, takes a piece of cheese and eats it.]
Ralph: It's not bad, actually. It's not stale at all.
Roach [from the ground]: Yes it is. And I've tasted better.
[Ralph swats at him but the roach escapes.]
Roach [from inside the cupboard]: I'll be back for more cheese. I'll be back...
Ralph: Strange. Very strange. [Takes another piece, considers it, and then eats it with relish.]
| Posted by boxcarwilly on March 10, 2003 with category tags of Skit |
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Written by boxcarwilly
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| People who write quotes do it to feel smart. People who read quotes do it to get smarter. People who burn quotes do it to get attention. But those who eat them along with the fortune cookie they came from have found solidarity. ~bf[quote database] |
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