Cool Jesus
A tad bit blasphamous at times, but I think there's a sense of humor up there.Kid: In the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit. Amen. Dear, Lord. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for letting me do pretty good at school. And thank you for letting Sara come into my life. She's smart...funny...and God, that body... perfect breasts....
[Pause]
Kid: [still in thought] Oh man! I'm sorry God! Didn't mean to start doing...that in the middle of prayer!
[There is a blinding flash of light and a short choir musical sting]
Kid: Oh my God! Jesus!
Jesus: You are correct with both statements, my son.
Kid: I suppose you're here to smite me...
Jesus: [less reverent] What's that?! Oh you thought... No, man, no. You're thinking of my dad...the Jew god? [quickly] Their Torah, our Old Testament. I'm Jesus. I'm cool, man, don't worry.
[Jesus lights a cigarette]
Kid: Oh. But why are you... Are you smoking, Jesus?
Jesus: [extinguishing match] Oh, I'm sorry!
[Jesus offers the cigarettes to the kid]
Kid: No, I don't smoke.
Jesus: [to himself, sing-songy] At least not yet...
Kid: What's that Lord?
Jesus: Nothing. Hey, I'm here to tell you to lighten up. Live a little! You only get one chance on Earth...in most cases.
Kid: But didn't you say in the Bible that we'd live in eternal bliss in heaven once we died?
Jesus: Hey, man. [Picks up a Bible from the nightstand] I don't remember writing any of these things [flips through it] This was just some of my fishin' buddies.
Kid: So...there's no heaven...
Jesus: I didn't say that. All I'll tell you is that...the clubs get boring after a while, the rec room pool tables take quarters and Nixon lost the last ping-pong ball.
Kid: I've never heard anything like that in church.
Jesus: Look kid. Let me level with you. I've got a demo CD here that Lennon, Cobain and Buddy Holly made for me, but Hendrix blew my speakers out so
[points a finger gun at kid] I'm usin' yours.
Kid: You cant! [the music is already blaring; it's horrible] My mom'll here!
[Jesus is rocking out]
Mom: [from downstairs] Turn that down! Some of us are trying to get drunk!
Kid: Quick! Hide!
[The mom enters the room]
Mom: Why are you making all this noise?!
Kid: [ashamed] Mom, I'm not going to lie to you. There's a Catholic leader hiding in my closet.
Mom: [leaving] Honey, you're fifteen. I thought you were old enough to know there's no such thing as monsters.
Kid: Dammit, Jesus!
Jesus: [coming into the room] Wow. You sounded just like my dad there for a second. “Damn this for me, Jesus,” “Damn that for me, Jesus.” You know, there are times when a guy just wants to sit back and do his own thing. And there are times when a guy’s own thing involves ignoring their parent’s commands and taking bong hits with Hendrix.
Kid: Look, I’m sorry. But I really need…
Jesus: And, hey! Was that your mom? Damn. [looks up] Not literally. But, wow. What a piece of clay that Eve was! I’d like to visit her Garden of Eden. [looks at kid; nothing] If she was really made in God’s image I might hang out with my dad a little bit more. [still nothing] I wouldn’t condemn her but I wouldn’t let her lead a life without sin, either!
Kid: [coldly] I didn’t get that last one.
Jesus: John 8:1-11. “Blah, blah…cast the first stone.”
Kid: I thought you said that was just some stuff your friends wrote.
Jesus: Yeah, will if your future gay lover Enrique were to write a book, you’d probably read that!
Kid: Are you saying the disciples were gay? [pause] Are you saying I’m going to be gay?!
Jesus: Dude! They were NOT gay! Well, Judas had us all on the fence for a little bit, but ever wonder why that stuff’s not kosher according to the Bible? Well, ask St. Peter what happens when Judas gets a little too much “blood of me” at the Last Supper…
Kid: I don’t believe this! In the future, I’m going to be gay? [thinks] But, now that I know this, couldn’t I try and change it?
Jesus: Yeah, but it’s probably not going to do anything. [bored] What if this is the event that sets your homosexuality in motion, blah, blah, and all that other time paradox crap from that Star Trek stuff you watch.
Kid: But what about my girlfriend, Sara?
Jesus: She’s all for it, dude!
Kid: I…think…I need you to leave.
Jesus: Whatever. You’re really killin’ my buzz anyway. See ya soon, man.
[Jesus walks out door where he meets a small group of teenagers about the kids age]
Boy 1: Thanks, dad. I can’t believe we just made Chris Dain gay.
Jesus: [taking off robe to reveal normal street clothes] No problem. I used to pull fake-Messiah stuff like this all the time when I was your age. Now who wants to the strip club with a horrible father?!
[The kids cheer]
| Posted by Ramso on March 12, 2003 with category tags of Skit |
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Written by Ramso
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