Passe-Away The puppeteer for Passe-Partout was murdered two weeks ago. I'm just finding out now???
Also, any comments on the first draft of this masterpiece would be appreciated from anyone who's got nothing to do. Final draft must be ready by Friday to make the deadline for Alex's crazy contest thing that he told us about on this website a few weeks ago.
7 comments Good stuff!
I saw a couple errors...
PRETRIAL JUDGE
(Nelson Mandela accent) Prisoner at the bar, this is a pre-trial inestigative hearing.
And at one point Shriv... has a heading but no text.
Overall good. I love the gasping jokes.
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some running commentary:
a suggested change: "In 1998, delegates from 65 countries gathered to create the Universal Court of Law to put the world's worst criminals on trial. Some people argued that this court would get out of control, arresting anyone, at anytime, for any reason. Those people were [b]arrested[/b]."
i like the dying clerks a lot. dye!
not sure if the "can't use first-person singular of to be" is funny, and i think it would fly by, confusingly, when spoken. better to just say "i". (i don't really understand why it's the word "i" that kills people, either...) Maybe he could say, "My name is [bleeped out]" and then someone dies. And later, "I, [bleep], am the Alpha and the Omega." etc. or not.
(dissatisfied) "All rise" = laugh
"That's playing right into [his] hands. He's immortal." = hahaha. Don't overexplain that, though.
the debate about witnesses could be tighter. hit the sharpest stuff (ow!) [such as the lawyers gag] and cut the fat.
"CEO of the company" - there's got to be a joke here, doesn't there?
robespierre = hahahaha.
tax evasion = wonderful
latin = wunderbar
"You don't need a flippin' graven image to recognize the face of God of all the universe, ya yobbo!" -- classic
austrailian/prosecutor slurs are very funny.
"that's where they all come from" -- :)
"wah-wah" - ALSO CLASSIC (every time)
"a son, i think" - hee hee hee.
shouldn't it be "universal court", right before shriv's first line?
suggestion: After prosecutor explains we're not to hear God's name, couldn't Shriv turn to the clerks and ask them if this is true? Where they will nod - palely, terrifiedly?
"we'll be done in less than ten." "that suits me, too" - laugh.
raise your right hand - hahahaha
"Wht was your occupation" - lol
Would appreciate it if the exposition about why the devil is helping god were punchier/funnier.
figs are funny.
"Where I come from, that is, the Depths of Hell" - this is good. as are doodles. and awkward-looking clerks.
the ending is a little droopy... i have no useful suggestions, though. we really need to end on a big laugh... (oh yeah, very useful sean.)
but overall this is GREAT - epic, thoughtful, funny, and fast-moving. fantastic work! | | |
Suggestions:
Devil: "I'm something of a guard myself..."
Devil: "We can't have the CEO behind bars..."
Bruce: "We see absolutely no reason preventing Mr. Almighty from being released on bail..." avoid double negatives for clarity.
Wah-wah = classic comedy!
Very good overall. good luck! | | |
Oh man, this made me laugh out loud several times. Thank you.
My favourite part was Noah. | | |
I thought the Passe-Partout turf wars were all over the news everywhere. Hmmmm.....
Good luck on the contest, and good use of WAH WAH. | | |
•The "Are you ready to plead/What did I tell you about not using 'to be' in the 1st person" exchange goes on too long, I think-- it's a funny gag, but not punchy enough to warrant 4 or 5 lines of dialogue.
•The judge having to say 'all rise' himself falls kind of flat.
•I like the way the prosecutors come up with some dubious atrocities (eg. "the death of Diana"). Maybe you should make it even more absurd (eg. "the end of Friends", "Jeffrey Archer", etc., etc.)
•"Hitler's soul is already sentenced to an eternity in hell. Is it really worth trying to get him to serve an additional 20 years in a Dutch prison?" = hilarious. But the rest of this scene (everything from "credibility of witnesses" onwards) seems unnecessary to the skit as a whole-- the jokes are not nearly as good as the rest (also, Stanford Law is a pretty cheap shot).
•Exchange between God/Satan is great (esp. "it's been a real Pittsburgh in Hell, lately").
•Instead of "In fact, he's the most recognizable three persons in all of creation.": "In fact, he's the three most recognizable persons..."
•Prosecutor calling Bruce British= fantastic. But I think Bruce's response is unnecessary; just go straight to the judge calling them out of line.
•I feel like Bruce's opening remarks could be stronger (but "perhaps we overestimated the expected length of this trial"= LOL times a million, as is "this is a court of law, not a forum for collective breathing")
•I think Hitler should start to raise his right hand before the clerk cuts him off.
•"I have found out that his son was a Jew"= hilarious.
•45 second recess could probably be taken out...
I loved it. Have you ever read "Blameless in Abaddon" by James Morrow? You'd probably enjoy it... | | |
Thank-you, everyone. I have used all of this advice, except for the bits that contradicted each other.
I reserve my rant about the Dutch postal service for later. | | |
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