Passover

A girl in her early twenties with a faint neck scar is onthe phone with her aunt. 

Aunt: “So, this will be a wonderful Passover dinnerwe’re having tonight”

Girl (fighting despondency): “Yes.  Mom’s been working hard to make the holidaymeatballs.”

Aunt: “We’ll get all dressed up.  You know this will be a good chance for youto wear that necklace I bought you to cover up that scar of yours.  You ever wear that necklace?”

Girl: “Yes. Yes, I wear the necklace.”

Aunt: “You know, I used to give you lots ofgifts.  You loved me more than yourmother when you were a child.”

Girl: “Well, I guess we’ll see you later.”

Aunt: “More than your own mother.”

Girl: “Imagine that.”

Later that evening...

Doorbell rings. Girl takes a deep breath.  She iswearing a hideously flashy choker that is too tight on her.  Girl opens the front door to reveal a small,red-haired woman with extremely bright lipstick. 

“Hi!!!!!  How are youdear?  Oh.  That necklace doesn’t cover your neck scar.  I can see your neck scar.  There it is.”  she says, poking at the girl.

“Yes, well, why don’t you come in?” answers the girl.

“My son, the doctor, will be arriving late.  He probably had an emergency at thehospital.  He’s a doctor, you know.  He just gave me a colonoscopy last week.”

“Oh, you brought wine,” says the girl, slipping into thekitchen with the wrapped bottle.

Aunt, yelling to her: “Now that you’re older, I thinkyou’re ready for my Barry.”

Girl (from the kitchen): “Uh.  He’s my cousin.”

Aunt (applying even more lipstick): “He’s a doctoryou know.”

Girl returns to the living room with a half-empty glassof wine. 

Aunt looks her up and down: “He wouldn’t haveleft a scar on your neck.”

Girl: “He’s an ass surgeon.”

Aunt: “Hmmm. I wonder what’s keeping him.”

Girl’s sister enters the room. 

Aunt: “Hello gorgeous!  Look at you with those hips and that hair.  Do you ever try the Lambada?  You look like you could try that sexydance.”

The sister smiles and skips off into the kitchen whilethe girl takes a few sips of her wine.

The doorbell rings. It’s Barry. 

“Sorry I’m late.”

Mother (from the kitchen): “It’s fine. Let’s eateverybody!”

The family of cousins, aunts, and uncles gathers at thetable. 

Aunt (to her son, Barry): “You know Myriam from theold neighboorhood told me that you scoped her cousin Phyllis.”

Barry: “Mmm. These are good matzah balls. Yeah, the name Phyllis sounds familiar. Does she have a big ass?”

Aunt: “Not any more. She had plastic surgery and they sucked the fat out with a tube.  Pass the meatballs.”

Girl: “Pass the Diet Pepsi please.”  The wine has disappointed her.  She is fully sober.

Aunt (resting her hand on the girl’s shoulder):“Barry, maybe you could do plastic surgery for her.  Because of the neck scar. The necklace doesn’t cover it.

Barry (chewing on some beef): “Ma, I’m an asssurgeon.”

Aunt: “Well, I hope Phyllis doesn’t have anypolyps.  Mmm, these meatballs are sweetand sour at the same time!” (talking to the attractive sister): “Honey,why don’t you teach your sister the Lambada?” she says snapping herfingers with Latin flair.  “Then Barrywill start to notice you!”

Girl: “You know what’s missing from the seder platethis year?  Heroin.  Yep, this meal could definitely use someheroin”.

Aunt: “What’s that dear?”

Girl: “Oh, I was just wondering if someone could passthe bitter herb.”

Mom: “We forgot the toast everybody!!  Raise your glasses to celebrate ourliberation as a people.  The sufferingof our ancestors is over and now we can enjoy this lovely meal together!”