A baskit of goodiesThis one popped into my head.
[A man dressed in 'haute-couture' enters a high school hallway from outside. Another man in a business suit follows closely behind.]
Ramon: Ok, Jess, where are we?
Jess: Scottsdale Regional High, Ramon.
R: Ages?
J: 13-14, Ramon.
R: Good. Good. Here's the gym.
[They enter the gym. A row of girls are lined up. Each has a ponytail and is dressed in a white t-shirt with jeans.]
R: Excellent. You. You're the principal?
P: Yes, Ramon. It's an honour, Ramon.
R: Very good. Let's get this done.
[Ramon walks to the first girl and inspects her face quickly.]
R: Hmm. Good cheekbones. 7.
[Moves to next girl.]
R: (passes by girls in rapid succession)Hmm. 6. Ugh. 3! Too ethnic. 5! You. You're a neck-down. Good ribs, perky chest. Looks behind her. Uh oh, king can. Forget it. Front only. If you're lucky. 7. You getting this Jess?
J: (scribbling furiously) Yes, Ramon!
[Moves to next girl and goes by them quickly pointing at their face as he calls out their assessment.]
R: 5, 5, 6, 7. Very nice, dear. 6, 5. Ouch! A 2. (to girl) I hope you're actually listening in class.
[Moves to next girl.]
R: Ah! An exotic! Icelandic?
Girl: Half, Ramon.
R: Very chic in two years. Trendy! Excellent! 8!
[Cellphone rings. Ramon answers it.]
R: Ramon! Yes. No. (angry) No. You tell that cow if she starts menstruating, she's fired! (hangs up)
[Moves to next girl.]
R: Hello! Very nice. Very nice. 9 (the other girls in line whisper excitedly) Take care of yourself, my dear.
R: And you! Almost there! An 8 but (pinches her waist) five pounds from a 9! (to principal) A nine and two eights! Very impressive.
P: We saved the best for last, Ramon.
R: Well done. Got all that, Jess?
J: Got it all, Ramon.
R: You're a toad, you know that, Jess?
J: Yes, Ramon.
R: Where next?
J: Jameson In Vitro Clinic, Ramon.
R: Let's move. (leaving) Zygote is so hot right now.
10 comments | Ouch! not funny and no point | | |
I like the character of Ramon. I like the dialogue and the concept. But I was expecting it to culminate in something... something like an ending.
Give me an ending, Vinny9, and I will show you the world! | | |
| The skit is quite offensive but offensive seems to be "in" these days. So I guess it worked out on that level. But I must agree with Bryan in that it needed something more. It just seemed kinda empty. But then again, I'm just a girl!!! | | |
Well, I was going more for trenchant commentary than straight offensive but if it's not hitting the right notest then my plan will have failed.
I will admit to not spending much time on this to hone the "it's funny cause it's almost true" aspect which, really, is what I was going for.
Maybe a "Hot or Not" reference would help out? | | |
| Is this any different from that new reality TV show? | | |
| Zygote IS in right now. I think that this was a good skit. There WAS a point and it was sharp. | | |
There's no exposition whatever. Two fellas go into a school and critique some chicks. Why? Who are these people? Do they only critique girls? What happens to the grades? There's no context whatsoever. It doesn't happen in real life. It isn't therefore observational.
There's no concept to the sketch, no structure, nothing for the audience to grip on to and laugh at beyond some non sequiturs and some insults.
A sprinkling of "good" lines but as they are in no apparent context they have nothing to add quality to. What would be a bad line in this sketch? How would you measure it? It's a black hole at the moment. | | |
One thing I can't stand more than cryptic, mastubatory sketch material is anonymous critiques.
YES, it does happen in real life.
Let me guess, you're a English professor's assistant that's kind of cute and somewhat clever, AND you were spoon fed mother's milk by a philipino nanny at some posh tennis club that boasts barbwired fences and Marine trained, rooftop snipers to keep the less fortunate from entering.
As far as the skit goes, change the punchline. Insults are funny. Non-sequiturs are funny. Just make me laugh at the end.
I'm rooting (sp?) for you, vinny9 | | |
Oh, I make myself laugh.
"One thing I can't stand more than cryptic, mastubatory sketch material is anonymous critiques.
YES, it does happen in real life.
Let me guess, you're a English professor's assistant that's kind of cute and somewhat clever, AND you were spoon fed mother's milk by a philipino nanny at some posh tennis club that boasts barbwired fences and Marine trained, rooftop snipers to keep the less fortunate from entering.
As far as the skit goes, change the punchline. Insults are funny. Non-sequiturs are funny. Just make me laugh at the end."
I just wanted a taste of anonimity. Bile. I shall now wash my mouth out with murphy's oil. Ta, ta. | | |
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