A Longie!
No CommentThere’s a butcher shop sign hanging above.
Frank, the butcher is Italian. He’s at the counter.
(A woman walks in.)
Woman(in sexy voice) Hi. My friend Rosie recommended you.
Frank: Yeah. Rosie. I take care of her somethin’ good. Keep her satisfied. You know what I’m talking” about?
Woman: I hope you can satisfy me Frank. (She leans in)
Frank: I’ll take good care of ya. What ya want?
Woman: I need a big sausage.
Frank(leans close): You need a big sausage, I give you a big sausage. How about this?
(Woman blocks audience view while Frank reaches down and pulls something up to counter level.
Woman: It’s huge!
Frank: 12 inch Polska Kielbasa. Our specialty. If that don’t satisfy your hunger, Nuthin’ will.
Woman: I’ll take two!
Frank: You’re a wild woman! I gotta watch out for you! Here you go.
(He hands her the package and she leaves)
(Another woman, Jill, enters)
Jill: Hi Frankie. I need something hot.
Frank: You do huh? Well come over here and I‘ll give it to ya.
(Jill leans over counter)
Jill: Give it to me Frankie. Give it to me now!
Frank(leans in): Frankie’s gonna give you his hot Italian sausage. You want that?
Jill(turned on): Yes! Yes!
Frank(Drops sausage on counter) Hot Italian sausage. $3.95 a pound. This is the good stuff!
Jill: I’ll take three pounds!
Fank: The usual, huh? Figured that. I know how you like it! I already wrapped it up. Here ya go. (Hands her the package)
Jill: Thanks, Frank. You sure know how to please a woman! (She exits)
Frank: That’s right, Frankie does!
(Person enters from off stage)
Director-Biff: Cut! Cut! Who wrote this shit? Larry? It wasn’t you, was it?
(Larry comes over)
Larry: Yeah. What’s the matter?
Biff: We’re making porn here, right? Where’s the sex? Shouldn’t the girl end up behind the counter and---
Larry: Listen, I’ve written some of the real classics, right? House of the Seven Blow Jobs, For Whom the Belle Blows, The Last of the Blowhicans, How Green was my Virgin. So I’ve got some credibility, right? I’m tired of doing the same old thing! This one’s gonna be a no sex porn film. Never been done before! Let’s give it a try. What have we got to lose?
Biff: (Pause) I suppose…(looking at script)...OK. The shower scene’s up next. The actors need….(looking down)… Winter coats on? All right, let’s go people!
(Lights down and up on two movie seated reviewers)
Jeff: Next up is the film, Where’s the Nudity? I’ve got to tell you Andy, this film was a revelation! An original tale of lust, rejection, frigidity, and virtue. It’ll make my top ten list this year! Heads up, way up for this brilliant film!
Andy: I agree completely! Heads up for me too. This film exposed the seamy underside of the suburban lifestyle. And the shower scene with the winter coats? A perfect metaphor for failed relationships. Watch for this one at the Academy Awards!
Jeff: Yes! Definitely! That’s all for this week on Cranium Cinema. Save us some of those nacho chips and cheese. Ok?
(Lights down and up on person(Actor) at podium with card—He opens it)
Actor: And the Oscar for best actor goes to…. Dick Throb! Where’s the Nudity!
(Dick enters)
Dick: I’d like to thank Vickie Vixen and Lotta Lust for helping me prepare for this role (Does an exaggerated wink) Wink. Wink. I’m winking here, in case you couldn’t tell. And I’d like to thank the director… Biff. (Holds up statue) Right on brother!
(Lights down and up on actor)
Actor: And the Oscar for best director goes to…. Biff Riff for Where’s the Nudity?
(Biff enters)
Biff(Looking around): Wow! This is unreal! I’d like to thank my ma, who, when I turned 30, kicked me out of the house. Thanks ma!
(Lights down and up on the reviewers)
Jeff: Well, as we predicted Andy, the film Where’s the Nudity walked away with 7 Academy Awards. Noticeably absent, however, was a win for best screenplay. Your thoughts?
Andy: It’s a real puzzle. Perhaps the Academy voters didn’t believe that a guy with the single name of Larry wrote it. Then of course the internet rumor that Larry was a pseudonym for Dick Cheney may have turned off a lot of the voters.
(Lights down and up on Biff and Larry)
Biff: If anybody should have won Larry, it should have been you.
Larry: Thanks.
Bill: What are you going to do now?
Larry: People called my film perfection. How can you top that? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll go back to writing standard porn. You with me?
Biff: Sorry. Not this time. I got a three picture deal with Paramount. Hey, now that I’m officially a genius, I’ll find you some legit work! It’s like one of your old film titles: It’s Not Who You Blow….
Larry: It’s Who You Know!
(Larry smiles, they exchange a low five, lights down)
| Posted by larrylorre on December 23, 2003 with category tags of Skit |
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Written by larrylorre
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