It's Ted the Fly!

My apologies to any living fly/human hybrids out there.

(A family is eating their Tuesday night dinner in their dining room. The camera only shows the mother, Mrs. Nolby, as she speaks.)

Mrs. Nolby:
(talking into her broccoli and chicken) So, thawed the chicken out. About time, I thought. Been in there for months, couldn’t have it freezer burn.

Bud Nolby:
It’s good, mom.

Mrs. Nolby:
Well, thank you, Bud. It’s a special occasion tonight. Your father made a big sale, didn’t you, Bill?

(Mr. Nolby glances downward and smiles proudly.)

Mrs. Nolby:
Tell the kids, dear.

Mr. Nolby:
Sold that washing machine in the front window.

Mrs. Nolby:
That’s right! Kids, aren’t you proud?

Mr. Nolby:
45 dollars!

(Camera cuts to Penny, who nods happily and reaches for more milk. Then to Bud, who grins. Then to Ted, who’s a gigantic mutant fly. He buzzes a bit and goes back to regurgitating his food and lapping it back up with his weird bug toungue. Bud catapults a pea from his spoon at Ted.)

Ted:
Zzz—OW! MOM!

Mrs. Nolby:
Bud, don’t throw peas at your brother’s compound eye.

Bud:
It slipped! It only hit his eyeball because it’s so huge…

Ted:
Mom, Bud’s a buttplug!

Mrs. Nolby:
DEAR!

Penny:
Say BUM-plug in front of mom, Ted.

Mr. Nolby:
Neither of you are saying ANYTHING plug-related around your mother.

Mrs. Nolby:
(changes the subject eagerly) Dear, I think we have enough money to buy that nice new toaster at the Sear’s. Our old one’s getting pretty weathered…

(Cut to the old toaster. It hacks violently and a ball of hair pops out of the slot.)

Mr. Nolby:
45 dollars…(he he starts crying) Four years of MIT and I’m a used APPLIANCE salesman…it’s that god damned son of yours, Matilda! Nobody wants to hire the father of a GIANT HOUSEFLY!

Ted:
STEP-father!

Mrs. Nolby:
Darn it, Bill, don’t bring Ted into this again! He’s not the cause of all your problems!

(Bud and Penny look at each other and roll their eyes.)

Mr. Nolby:
You’re right, Matilda. He’s not the cause, it was your INGENIUS idea to forget your pill when you and Dr. Insectia were banging each other!

Mrs. Nolby:
When you’re with a supervillain, you don’t THINK about birth control. A mere mortal is overwhelmed by the situation when it arises. I’m only a woman, Bill! Can’t you see that? A WOMAN!

Mr. Nolby:
(glares at Ted) Don’t smear that gook all over your plate, boy, we’re having a discussion.

Ted:
(stops spitting up green goo onto his plate) I’m digesting!

Mr. Nolby:
Young man, under MY roof, we digest INTERNALLY or we don’t digest at ALL.

Mrs. Nolby:
(to Ted) Honey, wash that off before it eats through the ceramic.

Ted:
He’s being unfair! You’re not my dad, you don’t even like me! Last Christmas I got a pet tarantula with YOUR name on the tag!

(Flashback to Christmas morning. Ted excitedly rips through the wrapping on a box with holes poked inside. He opens the box and shrieks in terror as a giant spider jumps on his face.)

Mr. Nolby:
Well, I could’ve sworn that was a puppy when I was at the pet shop…heh, that’s bifocals for you.

(Return to present)

Mr. Nolby:
Son, don’t stray from the point. You’re ruining MY life, here.

Ted:
I’m not your son!

Mr. Nolby:
I'm aware of that, you bizzare little twerp...

Bud:
Can I get some more milk?

Mr. Nolby:
NO.

Bud:
The pitcher’s right there…

Mr. Nolby:
I said no milk.

Ted:
Or what about that game of tag last Sunday?

(Flashback to the weekend before. Ted runs for his life around the back yard as Mr. Nolby chases him with a giant rolled up newspaper.)

Mr. Nolby:
You’re not being sporting, son!

(Return to present)

Mr. Nolby:
You’re right, boy, I’ve had enough of you. I want him out, Matilda. He’s not furthering my career any and that washing his hands in his own excretions thing is just CREEPY.

Mrs. Nolby:
He’s SPECIAL. (she gives Ted a hug and pulls away as she realizes he’s covered in fly goop.)

Ted:
Well it’s fine by ME. I’m perfectly happy to go fly around in directionless loops ELSEWERE.

Mrs. Nolby:
Don’t say that!

Mr. Nolby:
Let him go, Tilda.

Ted:
Yeah, mom, I can tell when I’m not wanted. I hover around and get swatted at a few dozen times, but I eventually leave.

(Without a word, Ted gets up from the table and walks out the door.)

Penny:
Pass the milk?

Mr. Nolby:
What is it with you kids and milk all of the sudden?

(A frantic buzzing sound comes from out the front door.)

Mr. Nolby:
Jesus, what now?

(Mr. And Mrs. Nolby get up and open the door only to find Ted stuck to a piece of flypaper hanging above the porch, struggling madly)

Mr. Nolby:
(glares at Mrs. Nolby) I changed the paper LAST time.

Mrs. Nolby:
(sighs exhasperatedly) FINE…

(She goes back inside.)

(Fade. End. Whatever.)

Posted by deadheidi on March 10, 2003 with category tags of

9 comments
Wow - a terrific skit. I love how smoothly the tension and anger arises out of the family normalcy. The ending's week, though - maybe there could be a superpower showdown between Ted and Mr Nolby (ad absurdem).
   comment by Sean (#34) on March 10, 2003, Rated it 4

Ooh, a showdown! I oughtta work on that. What a great idea.
   comment by deadheidi (#63) on March 10, 2003

mmm... I don't know about a showdown. I think it makes a nice package as is. You could even cut out the flypaper thing and just have it end with an exasperated "What is it with you kids and milk all of the sudden?"
   comment by dustin (#1) on March 11, 2003, Rated it 4

Dizamn. That's a good idea, too. Well, I'll decide what to do the only way I know how--chug a quadruple espresso and let the ensuing magic take over.

I'm glad I found this place! The attention I'm getting is bliss!
   comment by deadheidi (#63) on March 11, 2003

Nice skit work. I'm learning that unusual beings at a dinner table is comedy gold (whether it be a fly or a moon boy). Perhaps this is just my ADD talking but it did seem a bit long...I'm not sure the flashbacks work. Loved the concept and set up though!
   comment by Nikki (#43) on April 14, 2003, Rated it 4

I was all good. But I'd end on the milk line. Milk is like surefire hilarity.
   comment by anonymous on June 7, 2003, Rated it 4

Haha... good skit. I liked the buttplug part. And the anger towards his half-son... it's good.
   comment by anonymous on June 27, 2003, Rated it 4

this is hilarious! I loved the part about "you forgot your pill while you were banging Dr. Insecta", I laughed out loud! This is the best skit I've seen in a good while, and the flashbacks were awesome! I too would end on the milk line, however. It's a terrific skit!
   comment by anonymous on December 26, 2003, Rated it 5

Awesome, even farside worthy all great.
   comment by trckands (#152) on April 3, 2004, Rated it 5

   

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