It's Ted the Fly!
My apologies to any living fly/human hybrids out there.(A family is eating their Tuesday night dinner in their dining room. The camera only shows the mother, Mrs. Nolby, as she speaks.)
Mrs. Nolby: (talking into her broccoli and chicken) So, thawed the chicken out. About time, I thought. Been in there for months, couldn’t have it freezer burn.
Bud Nolby: It’s good, mom.
Mrs. Nolby: Well, thank you, Bud. It’s a special occasion tonight. Your father made a big sale, didn’t you, Bill?
(Mr. Nolby glances downward and smiles proudly.)
Mrs. Nolby: Tell the kids, dear.
Mr. Nolby: Sold that washing machine in the front window.
Mrs. Nolby: That’s right! Kids, aren’t you proud?
Mr. Nolby: 45 dollars!
(Camera cuts to Penny, who nods happily and reaches for more milk. Then to Bud, who grins. Then to Ted, who’s a gigantic mutant fly. He buzzes a bit and goes back to regurgitating his food and lapping it back up with his weird bug toungue. Bud catapults a pea from his spoon at Ted.)
Ted: Zzz—OW! MOM!
Mrs. Nolby: Bud, don’t throw peas at your brother’s compound eye.
Bud: It slipped! It only hit his eyeball because it’s so huge…
Ted: Mom, Bud’s a buttplug!
Mrs. Nolby: DEAR!
Penny: Say BUM-plug in front of mom, Ted.
Mr. Nolby: Neither of you are saying ANYTHING plug-related around your mother.
Mrs. Nolby: (changes the subject eagerly) Dear, I think we have enough money to buy that nice new toaster at the Sear’s. Our old one’s getting pretty weathered…
(Cut to the old toaster. It hacks violently and a ball of hair pops out of the slot.)
Mr. Nolby: 45 dollars…(he he starts crying) Four years of MIT and I’m a used APPLIANCE salesman…it’s that god damned son of yours, Matilda! Nobody wants to hire the father of a GIANT HOUSEFLY!
Ted: STEP-father!
Mrs. Nolby: Darn it, Bill, don’t bring Ted into this again! He’s not the cause of all your problems!
(Bud and Penny look at each other and roll their eyes.)
Mr. Nolby: You’re right, Matilda. He’s not the cause, it was your INGENIUS idea to forget your pill when you and Dr. Insectia were banging each other!
Mrs. Nolby: When you’re with a supervillain, you don’t THINK about birth control. A mere mortal is overwhelmed by the situation when it arises. I’m only a woman, Bill! Can’t you see that? A WOMAN!
Mr. Nolby: (glares at Ted) Don’t smear that gook all over your plate, boy, we’re having a discussion.
Ted: (stops spitting up green goo onto his plate) I’m digesting!
Mr. Nolby: Young man, under MY roof, we digest INTERNALLY or we don’t digest at ALL.
Mrs. Nolby: (to Ted) Honey, wash that off before it eats through the ceramic.
Ted: He’s being unfair! You’re not my dad, you don’t even like me! Last Christmas I got a pet tarantula with YOUR name on the tag!
(Flashback to Christmas morning. Ted excitedly rips through the wrapping on a box with holes poked inside. He opens the box and shrieks in terror as a giant spider jumps on his face.)
Mr. Nolby: Well, I could’ve sworn that was a puppy when I was at the pet shop…heh, that’s bifocals for you.
(Return to present)
Mr. Nolby: Son, don’t stray from the point. You’re ruining MY life, here.
Ted: I’m not your son!
Mr. Nolby: I'm aware of that, you bizzare little twerp...
Bud: Can I get some more milk?
Mr. Nolby: NO.
Bud: The pitcher’s right there…
Mr. Nolby: I said no milk.
Ted: Or what about that game of tag last Sunday?
(Flashback to the weekend before. Ted runs for his life around the back yard as Mr. Nolby chases him with a giant rolled up newspaper.)
Mr. Nolby: You’re not being sporting, son!
(Return to present)
Mr. Nolby: You’re right, boy, I’ve had enough of you. I want him out, Matilda. He’s not furthering my career any and that washing his hands in his own excretions thing is just CREEPY.
Mrs. Nolby: He’s SPECIAL. (she gives Ted a hug and pulls away as she realizes he’s covered in fly goop.)
Ted: Well it’s fine by ME. I’m perfectly happy to go fly around in directionless loops ELSEWERE.
Mrs. Nolby: Don’t say that!
Mr. Nolby: Let him go, Tilda.
Ted: Yeah, mom, I can tell when I’m not wanted. I hover around and get swatted at a few dozen times, but I eventually leave.
(Without a word, Ted gets up from the table and walks out the door.)
Penny: Pass the milk?
Mr. Nolby: What is it with you kids and milk all of the sudden?
(A frantic buzzing sound comes from out the front door.)
Mr. Nolby: Jesus, what now?
(Mr. And Mrs. Nolby get up and open the door only to find Ted stuck to a piece of flypaper hanging above the porch, struggling madly)
Mr. Nolby: (glares at Mrs. Nolby) I changed the paper LAST time.
Mrs. Nolby: (sighs exhasperatedly) FINE…
(She goes back inside.)
(Fade. End. Whatever.)
| Posted by deadheidi on March 10, 2003 with category tags of Skit |
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Written by deadheidi
| Heidi Perry troppoheads.com/ratty/Rattylan... Hello, I'm Heidi. I'm a movie theater slave who likes accordions and coffee a little too much. |
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| Fine ham abounds.[quote database] |
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