HOBO COP
I could come to your house and do the happy hobo dance while you read it if you really need me to...(SCENE: A heated police stand-off outside a dingy Los Angeles apartment building. Police cars are everywhere, every officer has a gun trained on the complex. Their suspect peers out at the broo ha ha from behind a curtained 3rd-story window.)
Chief of Police: (holds out a megaphone) Alright, Chompsky, this is the end of the road. Come out with your hands on your head or my men will start shooting.
Chompsky: YOU CAN’T SCARE ME! I got hostages!
Chief’s mom: (unseen, from inside,) Daryl, this is your mother. Don’t shoot!
Chief:…MOM?! What’s he doing to you?
Chief’s mom: I’m fine, dear, he’s a fair man. He even said I get a hostage, too. Look! (she holds a small girl up to the window and pulls back the curtains)
Girl: Daddy!!
Chief: You’re holding your GRANDDAUGHTER hostage?
Mom: Well, you were busy with the stand-off, and I didn’t want to intrude…
Chief: (sighs exasperatedly and puts his megaphone down) Alright, so this is a hostage situation. I need my best man on the force. Get me…HOBO COP.
Extra: Right, sir. (runs into the bushes and drags out a nearly toothless old man in badly soiled, patched clothing.)
Hobo Cop: Riighhbbrrrababababagaggahaaaaaagghh! (He weilds his cartoonish, polka-dotted bindle around like a sword. The extra walks him over to the Chief.)
Chief: Hobo Cop, thank God you’re here. Listen, you’re not only the toughest guy on my force, you’re also my best negotiator. I need you to talk this man down and make him release my relatives.
Chief’s Mom: Do you still want me to babysit Franny tonight?
Chief: That depends on her status as a HOSTAGE, Mom…
Chief’s Mom: Well. You’ve still got your father’s temper, I see.
Hobo Cop: HOZZAGE! Skidooooooooo! (he grabs the megaphone) Whats all these cats doin’ runnin’ on my leg? My finger says NO! Says I’m hungry! Where’s a flapjack? I seen da biggest octopus EVER! TWO FINGERS FER LICKIN’! Do dee o dee o dee o!
(Hobo Cop does a merry Hobo Dance. Chompsky shrugs his shoulders and throws down some change.)
Hobo Cop: (scrambles for the coins) Shut up, he ain’t talkin’ to you! Is so…is ain’t! IS SO…IS AIN’T, Joe!
Chompsky: Wow…I’ve never had something put into such perspective before…
Hobo Cop: Bukka bukka bukka! (starts peeing on the sidewalk)
Another Extra: The man is amazing.
Girl: Grandma, what’s that?
Chief’s Mom: Uh…(she turns her granddaughter around) that’s a pants ornament. Look at the stove for a minute.
Chompsky: (starts tearing up) I’m sorry, Hobo Cop, I understand all of my errs now. I’m coming down. And I’m releasing my hostage.
Chief’s Mom: Should I release mine, too, or wait a little bit? I don’t want to look like a copy cat.
Chief: She has homework.
Chief’s Mom: I think my hostage wants ice cream first.
Chompsky: You’re supposed to take them for ice cream? I’ve just been getting EVERYTHING wrong today.
Chief: NOBODY’S taking ANYBODY to ice cream! Now get down here, Chompsky! …And you, too, Mom!
(Chompsky comes out of the building slowly. He puts his hands up and stops in front of the huge barricade of cops and cars.)
Chompsky: (looks up behind him) Ma’am, aren’t you coming?
Chief’s Mom: Well, I WAS, but my son decided to be Ronnie Rude.
(The Chief rolls his eyes)
Chief’s Mom: I saw that!
Chompsky: Alright, it’s time I faced the music. Officers, I’m sorry I—HEY, LOOK OVER THERE! (he points to the open area in back of the cops. They immediately all turn around.) Suckers! (he runs off suddenly.)
Chief: GOD DAMNIT, not again! Get him, Hobo Cop!
Hobo Cop: RRRR!
(Hobo Cop zips his pants up and takes off in a chase after Chompsky. From here, the entire scene goes into slow-motion. Once the suspect’s in his sights, he pulls out one of his old, disheveled teeth and chucks it at him. Chompsky twists his face in disgust and throws back a handful of quarters. Hobo Cop is sidetracked, and dives for the money.)
Chief: Hooooooh-boooooh cop! Nnnnnoooooo!
(Hobo Cop comes to whatever senses he still has and takes off again. He swings his bindle around menacingly. He finally gets close enough and whacks Chompsky in the back with the bindle, and they fall over together. They roll around on the ground and finally come to a stop. Hobo Cop fishes through Chompsky’s pockets and pulls out a five dollar bill and a wet-nap. He waves both around like victory flags, laughing and wheezing as he does so. He rips open the wet-nap and washes his under-arms. The scene goes back to normal speed as the Chief and his entourage of officers and relatives catch up.)
Chief: Hobo Cop, you saved us all. How do you do it?
Hobo Cop: I says them muppets is corn.
Chief: You can say that again.
(Everybody starts laughing. Hobo Cop blows his nose in the wet-nap and offers it to the Chief’s Mom. She keeps laughing fakely and slaps him. Confused, he starts humping her leg. She continues to laugh with the crowd, but starts inching away, looking around herself nervously. Fade.)
| Posted by deadheidi on March 10, 2003 with category tags of Skit |
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Written by deadheidi
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